October 03, 2004

TREES ALIVE WITH SOUNDS OF KERRY

Ride the wild surf of Blogging Momentum with Vanity Fair contributing editor James Wolcott:

I would advise Kerry to reach into Bush's chest and pull out his beating heart and hold it up to the world if I didn't think it might upset some of the "Security Moms" whose votes could prove so decisive in the coming election.

Why not cut off his head? Seems to be all the rage these days. Next, James takes a walk:

This morning as I walked to the general store to pick up the papers, there were birds everywhere aflutter. Bluejays. Cardinals. Mourning doves. Sparrows of every persuasion. A peregrine falcon or merlin (I didn't get my binocs up fast enough) winging overhead. Later, at Sunset Beach, a quartet of pelicans floated over like a band heading to a gig. Some would attribute this to a shift in wind direction or a change in temp, but I know different.

Nature is celebrating last night's presidential debate.

The trees are alive with the sound of Kerry.

Here are some more sounds of Kerry. James pities the dupes:

"You let the powerful demand power 'for the little man.' But you yourself are silent. You provide powerful men with more power or choose weak, malignant men to represent you. And you discover too late you are always the dupe."

Not a bad description of Bush's base.

Disaster strikes:

No sooner had Tina Brown so kindly chosen this blog as her hot pick of the week on her CNBC's Topic A with Tina Brown than the phone service in the rental house konked out, leaving me unable to get online and ride the wild surf of Blogging Momentum.

Posted by Tim Blair at October 3, 2004 01:37 PM
Comments

"Security Moms"??? "Dupes"???

Okay, I now officially hate James Wolcott, if only for the crime of writing these lines:

Nature is celebrating last night's presidential debate.

The trees are alive with the sound of Kerry.

Not only is he a pompous, self-absorbed old queen, but he is a bad writer as well.

Posted by: Rebecca at October 3, 2004 at 01:51 PM

I'm surprised Wolcott didn't invoke Gaia against Bush. And he certainly can't be for peace if he advocates Aztec style human sacrifice. Is he a closet pagan?

No matter. Wolcott is a pompous fool.

Posted by: The Real JeffS at October 3, 2004 at 02:02 PM

Remember, this is the guy who advocates basing foreign policy actions on "omens". I think that says it all for his ability to produce a coherent thought.

Posted by: Crispytoast at October 3, 2004 at 02:22 PM

Omens? Definitely a pagan.

Posted by: The Real JeffS at October 3, 2004 at 02:26 PM

Next week's "article":

Voting rights of dolphins

Posted by: david at October 3, 2004 at 02:41 PM

Pity there wasn't a kookaburra perched outside the general store to dive bomb this talentless gecko.
a quartet of pelicans floated over like a band heading to a gig.
WTF!!!
He's isn't saying they're like a band because they were floating high is he? That's as old and lame as granny.

Posted by: slatts at October 3, 2004 at 03:18 PM

A cadre of majestic Magpies sat cawing madly upon my parapet today. This is strange - has the Autumn wind brought these creatures to me for a reason? I meant to look upon these magpies more closely to find their persuation, however - my houseboy did not fetch my spy-glass hastily enough for me to see before the magpies a-fluttered away to further spread their cawing-love. This intolerable incident has forced me to encourage his departure from my employ. I shall miss the rascal - his incompetence knows no Earthly rival - but the sight of him, brow glistening after a long day of "Butter-churning", or what-ever tasks he claims to perform in the dairy, should engorge even the most jaded heart.

While strolling to the post-office, I saw a quartet of horses standing by a fence, much as a band comprised of four musicians (a "quar-tet", if you will) standing by a fence would stand. The creatures - they seemed pensive. Some would say they are just ignorant, constipated horses, but I know different.

The horses are silently celebrating the news of Mssr. Kerry's glorious victory!

O, noble steeds - silent celebrators, all, and dupes, none! I then thought of a fitting description of Bush's base - sub-horse dupes, or perhaps wild surfing horses? I have already forgetten. No matter! I shall now take my leave from you, gentle reader, to the general store for dry goods and news-papers from the East, because I evidently live in Tucson in 1860 when general stores still existed. I mean, exist, right now. Yep. Then, to visit upon the fair Tina Brown - a wild little filly herself, also "chomping at the bit" to celebrate News of Kerry. Huzzah!

Posted by: Dylan at October 3, 2004 at 03:27 PM

Right on! Gawd that Bush, he's such a violent a-hole warmonger. I wish I could brutalize and kill the bastard he makes me so angry. Doesn't Bush realize that we have to live in this world together peacefully? That we can't just go around inflicting violence and insults on others, because that brings about disharmony and only furthers the cycle of violence! The stupid chimp's failure to understand this simple little fact just makes me so angry I want to bathe in his blood and wear his skin as a cape!

P.S. Make love not bombs.


(Surgeon General's Warning: This post contains potentially unhealthy concentrations of sarcasmoglycophenol (TM).)

Posted by: Robin Goodfellow at October 3, 2004 at 03:49 PM

I think that sound in the trees was THE WIND - John Kerry's ALARM to change positions again.

Hasn't anyone noticed he wants to give Iran the FUEL for nuclear facilities and then 'test' them to see how they do? Didn't we give North Korea $$$ if they 'promised' not to use it for weapons? Seems like GIVING things to terrorists and tyrants only works against the free world??????

Posted by: Kathleen A at October 3, 2004 at 04:18 PM

I would advise Kerry to reach into Bush's chest and pull out his beating heart and hold it up to the world.

I'm going to get nitpicky and say that the trouble with that simile is that pretty much every reader of this piece who was American and under about twenty-five when Last of the Mohicans was released probably has a mental image of someone ripping the beating heart out of someone else's chest and waving it aloft in triumph. And the heart-ripper was not, to say the least, a sympathetic character.

For the record, I was thirteen when the movie was released. I have not seen it for twelve years. I remember almost nothing about it except for (1) the scene where some poor sap gets burned to death in retribution for something or other and (2) the aforementioned heart-ripping scene. I didn't even realize I remembered these until reading Wolcott's opening line and suddenly image 2 came rushing back in full technicolour. Ugh. Thanks a lot, James. Why don't you live out your Wild Man fantasies in an online roleplaying game or something?

Posted by: Sonetka at October 3, 2004 at 07:01 PM

Look the answers written on the wind- just saw a photo of Kerry trying to catch it, before it blew clean away.
We must unite to-gether, kneel down ass up and say there is only one G-d- Allah -the most 'MERCIFUL ONE'
praise be his name and on receipt of 2.5% of your gross income annually for life you will live in glorious peace and harmony for ever- sorry though you might have to kill your goat

Posted by: Rose at October 3, 2004 at 07:19 PM

Sonetka, you're clearly a security mom.

Posted by: James Wolcott whispering from a tree at October 3, 2004 at 07:27 PM

Everytime I see an offensive post by Wolcott I think... "Gee, THANKS Jeff Javis!"

Posted by: Sortelli at October 3, 2004 at 07:50 PM

That's called the Pathetic Fallacy in literary circles (not disparagingly; they apparently like it). It doesn't show up much today except in Mike Barnacle columns because of another effect called Ridiculous Collapse.

Birds are pretty listless in the fall. He may have been hearing crickets. ``Sparrows of every persuasion'' is not a promising identification for a birder. If they don't know, they at least have the grace to say ``Little Brown Jobs.''

Ohio backyard bird microphone audio (more than you want to listen to), for pathetic fallacy fans, June 19 , June 20 , September 5 , compare the moods. They're even quieter in October. Maybe I'll record some more.

Posted by: Ron Hardin at October 3, 2004 at 10:35 PM

God Almighty.
Preserve and keep me away from these weirdo dropkicks.

Kill the Internet, disable satellites, chop the cables, ban surface mail.
Just keep me away, isolated and at peace, from these idiot Seppos and their twisted and bizarre politics.

Amen.

Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant at October 4, 2004 at 12:35 AM

What James Walcott needs to do is reach his hand into his rectum and pull out his head.

Posted by: Harry in Atlanta at October 4, 2004 at 01:19 AM

Hey, Wolcott was rooting for the hurricaines. I hope he was gleeful when the Haitians and Grenadans lost their little all because of hanging chads in Florida 4 years ago.

Posted by: ushie at October 4, 2004 at 01:29 AM

Do I sense the giddy giggling of Mount Saint Helen's, a-tremor with glee over the Newsweek poll? And if Dick Cheney whups Pretty Pony on Tuesday, will she not erupt in righteous indignation?

Posted by: lyle at October 4, 2004 at 03:59 AM

YES, bird fact-checkers, we have a recording of Ohio backyard birds for today October 3 in which the Kerry moment, if you ask me, is the sudden appearance of an ambulance at 1:08:30 carrying an obeso-American to a health care facility. Other interesting moments, at 0:48:08 a Northern Flicker, and at 1:15:10 me whetting a scythe by the back fence, several hundred feet away. Other than that, it's House Sparrows discussing winter real estate and Robins thinking it's time to migrate somewhere else because the grapes have about run out. Put abstractly, the birds call in the fall, and sing in the spring. That latter seems upbeat because it involves testosterone.

Backyard bird recordings as noted above
June 19
June 20
September 5
October 3


Posted by: Ron Hardin at October 4, 2004 at 04:31 AM

So it's no longer enough that Kerry run for president, now he must be annointed Fisher King as well...?

Posted by: richard mcenroe at October 4, 2004 at 04:49 AM

God Almighty.
"Preserve and keep me away from these weirdo dropkicks.
Kill the Internet, disable satellites, chop the cables, ban surface mail.
Just keep me away, isolated and at peace, from these idiot Seppos and their twisted and bizarre politics."

And yet you keep coming back here.


Posted by: Dave S. at October 4, 2004 at 06:57 AM

Umm... so I guess some people DID need editors after all?

Posted by: Mike G at October 4, 2004 at 01:12 PM

This morning I heard chattering on the fire escape. I raised the blinds.

A squirrel peered at me, frozen in mid-gnaw. His expression said, "That Wolcott fella's a fatuous poofter, is he not?" I lowered the blinds.

I went outside. The neighbor dog looked up. I could see what puzzled him. "Women buy Vanity Fair for the glossy ads, am I right? I mean, nobody actually reads that crap, do they?" For emphasis, he lifted his leg.

I could see his point.

Posted by: lyle at October 4, 2004 at 10:24 PM