Tim Blair

"Security Moms"??? "Dupes"???

Okay, I now officially hate James Wolcott, if only for the crime of writing these lines:

Nature is celebrating last night's presidential debate.

The trees are alive with the sound of Kerry.

Not only is he a pompous, self-absorbed old queen, but he is a bad writer as well.

I'm surprised Wolcott didn't invoke Gaia against Bush. And he certainly can't be for peace if he advocates Aztec style human sacrifice. Is he a closet pagan?

No matter. Wolcott is a pompous fool.

Remember, this is the guy who advocates basing foreign policy actions on "omens". I think that says it all for his ability to produce a coherent thought.

Omens? Definitely a pagan.

Next week's "article":

Voting rights of dolphins

Pity there wasn't a kookaburra perched outside the general store to dive bomb this talentless gecko.
a quartet of pelicans floated over like a band heading to a gig.
WTF!!!
He's isn't saying they're like a band because they were floating high is he? That's as old and lame as granny.

A cadre of majestic Magpies sat cawing madly upon my parapet today. This is strange - has the Autumn wind brought these creatures to me for a reason? I meant to look upon these magpies more closely to find their persuation, however - my houseboy did not fetch my spy-glass hastily enough for me to see before the magpies a-fluttered away to further spread their cawing-love. This intolerable incident has forced me to encourage his departure from my employ. I shall miss the rascal - his incompetence knows no Earthly rival - but the sight of him, brow glistening after a long day of "Butter-churning", or what-ever tasks he claims to perform in the dairy, should engorge even the most jaded heart.

While strolling to the post-office, I saw a quartet of horses standing by a fence, much as a band comprised of four musicians (a "quar-tet", if you will) standing by a fence would stand. The creatures - they seemed pensive. Some would say they are just ignorant, constipated horses, but I know different.

The horses are silently celebrating the news of Mssr. Kerry's glorious victory!

O, noble steeds - silent celebrators, all, and dupes, none! I then thought of a fitting description of Bush's base - sub-horse dupes, or perhaps wild surfing horses? I have already forgetten. No matter! I shall now take my leave from you, gentle reader, to the general store for dry goods and news-papers from the East, because I evidently live in Tucson in 1860 when general stores still existed. I mean, exist, right now. Yep. Then, to visit upon the fair Tina Brown - a wild little filly herself, also "chomping at the bit" to celebrate News of Kerry. Huzzah!

Right on! Gawd that Bush, he's such a violent a-hole warmonger. I wish I could brutalize and kill the bastard he makes me so angry. Doesn't Bush realize that we have to live in this world together peacefully? That we can't just go around inflicting violence and insults on others, because that brings about disharmony and only furthers the cycle of violence! The stupid chimp's failure to understand this simple little fact just makes me so angry I want to bathe in his blood and wear his skin as a cape!

P.S. Make love not bombs.

(Surgeon General's Warning: This post contains potentially unhealthy concentrations of sarcasmoglycophenol (TM).)

I think that sound in the trees was THE WIND - John Kerry's ALARM to change positions again.

Hasn't anyone noticed he wants to give Iran the FUEL for nuclear facilities and then 'test' them to see how they do? Didn't we give North Korea $$$ if they 'promised' not to use it for weapons? Seems like GIVING things to terrorists and tyrants only works against the free world??????

I would advise Kerry to reach into Bush's chest and pull out his beating heart and hold it up to the world.

I'm going to get nitpicky and say that the trouble with that simile is that pretty much every reader of this piece who was American and under about twenty-five when Last of the Mohicans was released probably has a mental image of someone ripping the beating heart out of someone else's chest and waving it aloft in triumph. And the heart-ripper was not, to say the least, a sympathetic character.

For the record, I was thirteen when the movie was released. I have not seen it for twelve years. I remember almost nothing about it except for (1) the scene where some poor sap gets burned to death in retribution for something or other and (2) the aforementioned heart-ripping scene. I didn't even realize I remembered these until reading Wolcott's opening line and suddenly image 2 came rushing back in full technicolour. Ugh. Thanks a lot, James. Why don't you live out your Wild Man fantasies in an online roleplaying game or something?

Look the answers written on the wind- just saw a photo of Kerry trying to catch it, before it blew clean away.
We must unite to-gether, kneel down ass up and say there is only one G-d- Allah -the most 'MERCIFUL ONE'
praise be his name and on receipt of 2.5% of your gross income annually for life you will live in glorious peace and harmony for ever- sorry though you might have to kill your goat

Sonetka, you're clearly a security mom.

Everytime I see an offensive post by Wolcott I think... "Gee, THANKS Jeff Javis!"

That's called the Pathetic Fallacy in literary circles (not disparagingly; they apparently like it). It doesn't show up much today except in Mike Barnacle columns because of another effect called Ridiculous Collapse.

Birds are pretty listless in the fall. He may have been hearing crickets. ``Sparrows of every persuasion'' is not a promising identification for a birder. If they don't know, they at least have the grace to say ``Little Brown Jobs.''

Ohio backyard bird microphone audio (more than you want to listen to), for pathetic fallacy fans, June 19 , June 20 , September 5 , compare the moods. They're even quieter in October. Maybe I'll record some more.

God Almighty.
Preserve and keep me away from these weirdo dropkicks.

Kill the Internet, disable satellites, chop the cables, ban surface mail.
Just keep me away, isolated and at peace, from these idiot Seppos and their twisted and bizarre politics.

Amen.

What James Walcott needs to do is reach his hand into his rectum and pull out his head.

Hey, Wolcott was rooting for the hurricaines. I hope he was gleeful when the Haitians and Grenadans lost their little all because of hanging chads in Florida 4 years ago.

Do I sense the giddy giggling of Mount Saint Helen's, a-tremor with glee over the Newsweek poll? And if Dick Cheney whups Pretty Pony on Tuesday, will she not erupt in righteous indignation?

YES, bird fact-checkers, we have a recording of Ohio backyard birds for today October 3 in which the Kerry moment, if you ask me, is the sudden appearance of an ambulance at 1:08:30 carrying an obeso-American to a health care facility. Other interesting moments, at 0:48:08 a Northern Flicker, and at 1:15:10 me whetting a scythe by the back fence, several hundred feet away. Other than that, it's House Sparrows discussing winter real estate and Robins thinking it's time to migrate somewhere else because the grapes have about run out. Put abstractly, the birds call in the fall, and sing in the spring. That latter seems upbeat because it involves testosterone.

Backyard bird recordings as noted above
June 19
June 20
September 5
October 3

So it's no longer enough that Kerry run for president, now he must be annointed Fisher King as well...?

God Almighty.
"Preserve and keep me away from these weirdo dropkicks.
Kill the Internet, disable satellites, chop the cables, ban surface mail.
Just keep me away, isolated and at peace, from these idiot Seppos and their twisted and bizarre politics."

And yet you keep coming back here.

Umm... so I guess some people DID need editors after all?

This morning I heard chattering on the fire escape. I raised the blinds.

A squirrel peered at me, frozen in mid-gnaw. His expression said, "That Wolcott fella's a fatuous poofter, is he not?" I lowered the blinds.

I went outside. The neighbor dog looked up. I could see what puzzled him. "Women buy Vanity Fair for the glossy ads, am I right? I mean, nobody actually reads that crap, do they?" For emphasis, he lifted his leg.

I could see his point.