June 18, 2004

KERRY NO HAMSTER

Proof that John Kerry isnt, after all, a caged hamster:

Fact: Theobromine, a substance contained in chocolate and cocoa, is poisonous to hamsters.

Fact: John Kerry is able to consume chocolate chip cookies without fatal consequences.

This announcement was brought to you by the Federal Hamster Diet Authority.

Posted by Tim Blair at June 18, 2004 06:37 AM
Comments

hmm, well i found this interesting:

"Onions - Both raw and cooked onions contain disulphide, a compound that, while harmless to humans, can cause oxidative damage to the red blood cells in many animals. The resulting condition is called Heinz body hemolytic anemia."

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 06:45 AM

mere coincidence? I think not.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 06:46 AM

He says his favorite food is chocolate chip cookies. But what cookie recipe did his wife offer to Family Circle for the big election cookie cook-off, the cookie recipe poll that has successfully predicted the last three presidential elections? See for youselves.

Posted by: Donnah at June 18, 2004 at 06:51 AM

Well, now, we don't know what kind of chocolate those cookies might have, eh? Perhaps, just perhaps, Kerry's Kookies contain white chocolate. The linked article says, in part:

"The answer is yes. Regular dark chocolate is made from cacao beans, the source of high levels of theobromine, a caffeine-like substance. White chocolate, on the other hand, is made from cocoa butter, which is safe for dogs."

Emphasis is mine.

Now, assuming that this applies for hamsters as well, we could be looking at white chocolate chip cookies.

John Kerry could be still be a hamster!

Posted by: The Real JeffS at June 18, 2004 at 07:40 AM

Tough man. Fourth Purple Heart warranted.

Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 18, 2004 at 08:07 AM

FYI, alcohol is toxic to humans and yet I can put it away like nobody's business.

Also, note the jowly cheeks of the French looking Senator. They would suggest he could store many chocolate chip cookies in his cheeks just as my son's pet hamster does with sunflower seeds.

Posted by: JDB at June 18, 2004 at 08:18 AM

Federal Hamster Diet Authority? I would think that is a matter for the states.

Posted by: bob71 at June 18, 2004 at 08:25 AM

Okay, so maybe he's a gerbil or a guinea pig. Wouldn't be the first time that the New York Times had gotten its facts mixed up, now would it?

Don't expect a correction.

Posted by: Sean M. at June 18, 2004 at 09:27 AM

The real question is, can he be kept away by garlic.

Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 10:11 AM

If hes not a hamster then he must be CO2.

Posted by: ForNow at June 18, 2004 at 12:54 PM

If he's not a hamster, he's at least crazy. "Kerry, I can see your nuts!"

Posted by: dorkafork at June 18, 2004 at 01:07 PM

Chocolate is poisonous for dogs, so they say, but I used to give my dogs chocolate, and they were okay. So I don't believe chocolate is poisonous to ham--- er, John Kerry, either!

Posted by: Rebecca at June 18, 2004 at 01:17 PM

I like those Kerry-hamster & -rodent photos, especially the one that scares children. Terrific special effects. And here Id been thinking how impressed everybody would be that I got the 2 in a smaller font in CO2.

Posted by: ForNow at June 18, 2004 at 01:27 PM

1 Question- how do you induce vomiting in a hamster?

Posted by: Yasonas at June 18, 2004 at 02:02 PM

Well, with John Kerry, it is more a question of suppressing your gag reflex until you can reach the toilet.

Posted by: The Real JeffS at June 18, 2004 at 02:05 PM

If Kerry is CO2, then he causes global warming and should be banned by the Kyoto Protocol.

Posted by: EvilPundit at June 18, 2004 at 02:52 PM

Uh, sorry, I meant CO2, not CO2.

Posted by: EvilPundit at June 18, 2004 at 02:53 PM

Query: Can Kerry be methane?

Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 04:14 PM

Maybe Kerry uses carob as a chocolate substitute. People who wear spandex outfits for biking are usually part of the carob-American population.

Posted by: Sarah Brabazon-Biggar at June 18, 2004 at 05:21 PM

Now, see, I prefer CO₂.

(Note the above will not work on all machines, but it does on mine, so nyah-nyah.)

Posted by: Warmongering Lunatic at June 18, 2004 at 05:46 PM

Here's what Hamster Kerry would look like if he was a republican.

Posted by: yobbo at June 18, 2004 at 07:19 PM

>1 Question- how do you induce vomiting in a hamster?

Show them an episode of "Hamtaro."

Posted by: John Nowak at June 18, 2004 at 08:30 PM

"The answer is yes. Regular dark chocolate is made from cacao beans, the source of high levels of theobromine, a caffeine-like substance. White chocolate, on the other hand, is made from cocoa butter, which is safe for dogs."

er, while i won't quibble that cocoa butter may contain far lower levels (maybe even lower to the level of none) of theobromine than dark chocolate, it does need to be pointed out that cocoa butter is made from the same beans; it is essentially the fat squeezed out of them. kind of icky to think about, but awfully tasty.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 10:09 PM

I wonder if George W can eat chocolate chip cookies too, or does he choke on them like.... a pretzel?

Posted by: Ben at June 19, 2004 at 04:56 PM

Well, perhaps W should learn from Kerry to nibble cookies & pretzels into powder & to leave a trail of turds so people can find him if he gets into trouble

Posted by: ForNow at June 19, 2004 at 07:22 PM

They say theobromine is a diuretic, yes, but how is it physiologically possible that all the bullcrap comes out of John Kerry's mouth?

Posted by: Michael Ubaldi at June 20, 2004 at 12:58 AM

Hey Tim, How do you know that wasn't a plastic chocolate chip cookie, huh?

Posted by: Bill at June 20, 2004 at 09:34 AM