June 18, 2004


James Lileks requests your goat-getting views:

What gets your goat? What small petty thing drives you crazy? Send it in to fence@startribune.com.

Not welcome:
• Anything regarding cell phones and big vehicles; that is so tired.
• Anything regarding the position of the toilet seat and its relation to gender.

Okay. Here are three small, petty, guaranteed goat-grabbers:

1. The way Muppets "walk". All that bouncing up and down. Nobody walks like that!

2. Too-tight magazine binding, so you can’t read the column closest to the centre margin when you fold the thing over.

3. "World music".

Posted by Tim Blair at June 18, 2004 06:33 AM

The misuse of the word 'decimate' in the media is the first small petty thing that came to mind that wasn't directly inspired by my roommate.

I'll spare you the roommate-inspired list. Everyone who has ever had a roommate has one of those, and they tend not to be very original.

Posted by: rosignol at June 18, 2004 at 06:42 AM

"it's all about oooiiiiillllll!!!!!"

i wish, in fact, it were, then i wouldn't be paying $2 a gallon, but more like the good old days of 35 cents.

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 06:48 AM

The term "Messers", even when used correctly.

Posted by: James Dudek at June 18, 2004 at 06:50 AM

I am disinteresed in escape goat lists. Also carppy spelling.

Posted by: Ghost of a flea at June 18, 2004 at 06:57 AM

The misuse of personal pronouns. I heard Halle Berry the other day state something like, "They had problems with he and I." Go back to school catwoman.

Posted by: pol at June 18, 2004 at 07:01 AM

Don't Muslims get their goats from behind?

Posted by: Roger Bournival at June 18, 2004 at 07:25 AM


Posted by: Donnah at June 18, 2004 at 07:38 AM

And here I thought I was the only one who was vexed by Muppet hopping.

  • Those "chick lit" novels about hip, urban twentysomething vintage-clothing shop owners and their flings with handsome, wealthy writers in their Italian villas.
  • Women who refer to themselves as goddesses.
  • People who are a little too into cats.
  • People who carp about cell phones and SUVs as if it's original or amusing anymore.
  • Applause in church.
  • "Favorite Books" lists on Amazon that list not just the first, but every ensuing book in a series.
  • The voice of that lady in the Safeway advertisements that play while you shop.
  • Posted by: Sarah Brabazon-Biggar at June 18, 2004 at 07:45 AM

    I wish he wouldn't categorically rule out cell phones, because there's a relatively new phenomenon that creeps me right the fuck out.

    Namely, when someone is walking straight towards you, or perhaps standing still, staring off into space, maybe nod slightly, and suddenly blurt something out to seeming thin air...

    ... And then you realize they have a very discreet headset/microphone attachment to the cell phone.

    It is fun, though, to start talking to them in response to their thin-air conversation. They look like they've just awoken from a very long nap.


    Also, when people hold impromptu meetings in workplace hallways. They form this little ring, and when you have to walk through it to get to your destination, they jump back and give you a rude look, pissed off that you broke their concentration, I guess. The funny thing is, a lot of these hallway rings form right after they've just departed from another meeting.


    Also, putting a conference call on hold rather than mute, and thus subjecting to the other poor souls on the phone to the romantic stylings, of, like, Kenny G.

    Posted by: Steve in Houston at June 18, 2004 at 07:50 AM

    People who will place their shopping cart in the narrowest part of the aisle, effectively blocking said aisle.

    People in front of me who enter freeways at a speed well below the speed limit ("Floor it you jerk! You'e doing forty on an Interstate!").

    People who pass other vehicles at a speed only 1 or 2 mph over the passee vehicles speed. ("Do you intend to pass that semi or are you entranced by the smell of diesel exhaust?")

    I can think of others. Perhaps later.

    Posted by: Mike at June 18, 2004 at 07:57 AM

    I've noticed a new phenomenon concerning cell phones and meetings. . . I've been in meetings and someone cell phone rings. Not only do they answer it, instead of turning it off, they start talking to the person who called. AND, the phone call is personal, not work related. It's usually some kid calling their mom. My jaw dropped the first time I encountered this.

    Posted by: Polly at June 18, 2004 at 07:58 AM

    I've noticed a new phenomenon concerning cell phones and meetings. . . I've been in meetings and someone cell phone rings. Not only do they answer it, instead of turning it off, they start talking to the person who called. AND, the phone call is personal, not work related. It's usually some kid calling their mom. My jaw dropped the first time I encountered this.

    Posted by: Polly at June 18, 2004 at 07:58 AM

    Then there are the people who hit the POST button twice. Don't you just hate that?

    Posted by: Ernie G at June 18, 2004 at 08:09 AM

    Then there are the people who hit the POST button twice. Don't you just hate that?

    Posted by: Ernie G at June 18, 2004 at 08:10 AM

    My goats are always being got by fellow barbarian squinting Queensland suburbanites who maraud through this State's neighbourhoods of a night pillaging livestock to eat.


    And also misuse of the word 'enormity'.

    Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 18, 2004 at 08:16 AM

    And sometimes the person doesn't hit the post button twice, but the comment posts twice.

    Posted by: Polly at June 18, 2004 at 08:21 AM



    Posted by: mojo at June 18, 2004 at 08:22 AM

    Socks with sandals. The baby-boomers version of bermuda shorts, blacks socks, and wing-tips (AKA, The Full Nixon).

    Posted by: David Crawford at June 18, 2004 at 08:29 AM

    There are only two things that get my goat, Racism and black people!

    Posted by: Ross at June 18, 2004 at 08:55 AM

    I hate living in a place surrounded by people who espouse every single trendy left-wing view there is, and if you happen to take a tiny bit of dissenting skepticisim from any of these positions, they look at you as if you just announced that you eat babies.

    Posted by: Quentin George at June 18, 2004 at 08:57 AM

    Ooh. I'm going to get ten columns out of this one.

    Posted by: Lileks at June 18, 2004 at 08:58 AM

    True story: I used to sell guitars at a store called "World Music."

    Got my freakin' goat every day.

    Posted by: ccwbass at June 18, 2004 at 09:01 AM

    Socks with sandals.

    Sigh. I have been unable to break my boyfriend of this practice. But he's British. I guess it's part of his quaint Eurocharm.

    Posted by: Angie Schultz at June 18, 2004 at 09:07 AM

    People who preach to me about how I need to be tolerant, but then proceed to be intolerant of my intolerance. (Namely, most all on the left, and far to many on the right.) Friggin hypocrites.

    Posted by: Crusader at June 18, 2004 at 09:11 AM

    TV advertisements that show fruit sloshing around in water.

    Posted by: Andrew at June 18, 2004 at 09:21 AM

    All my goats are gotten. Of course, there's always Al Gore and his dynamic new style of public speaking.

    Posted by: geezer at June 18, 2004 at 09:25 AM

    Commercials for feminine hygiene products or impotence medications that run during mealtimes. Yuck.

    Posted by: Sean M. at June 18, 2004 at 09:34 AM


    There is this guy at the corner of 9th and Irving. Every weekend he sings at the top of his voice accompanied by his accordion. He cannot either sing or play. I am just about to start a charity just to get rid of him.


    People who want government to CARE and just DO (i.e. regulate) something....

    Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 10:08 AM

    Fat Chicks.

    Posted by: yobbo at June 18, 2004 at 10:21 AM

    I was in Stockholm in 1995, riding the bus to Nordiska Kompaniet, known as NK (the big store where Anna Lindh was murdered last year). Another American tourist gets on the bus and asks the bus driver, "Is this the bus to the NK department store?" He must have been one of the few adult Swedes who didn't speak English so he just stared blankly at her. So, she cranks up the volume, "IS THIS THE BUS TO THE NK DEPARTMENT STORE?"

    It gets my goat when people try to blast through a language barrier with volume.

    By the way, NK was exactly two blocks from where she got on the bus. You could see it through the bus window.

    I guess it also gets my goat when American tourists live up to the stereotype of, well, of an American tourist.

    Posted by: timks at June 18, 2004 at 10:47 AM

    Margo Kingston

    The SMH letters page

    Everyone in Egypt

    And here in Hong Kong:

    People who don't ever use a tissue, though make a snorting sound for the next 30 minutes, often on a bus ride.

    People who try and all get into a lift as you are going out.

    ahhh, I feel better now.

    Posted by: nic at June 18, 2004 at 10:50 AM

    All Viagra (etal.)commercials...Hey! Bob, youloseweightgetahaircutworkingout...gotabigboner?

    And the celebratory dancing in the streets commercial....aarrrgh.

    Stupid is as stupid does - Forrest Gump

    Posted by: rinardman at June 18, 2004 at 11:23 AM

    When cousin Abdul gets my goat, and gives it a social disease.

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 11:30 AM

    Cousin Abdul is not a clean man.

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 11:31 AM

    When news anchors refer to satellite "photographs". Satellites don't take photographs, asshole. This implies film and the need to develop it. Satellites take *IMAGES* that are beamed to earth as ones and zeros and reassembled down here. Funnily enough, weathermen (women. whatever) don't seem to make this mistake.

    Posted by: Seppo at June 18, 2004 at 11:33 AM

    And so called really shits me to tears. I would like to find the peabrain who started this journalistic trend and rip off their nuts with a fork.

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 11:34 AM

    People who get in my way at the supermarket on Thursday night or Saturday, who obviously don't work and could shop at any other time - "Get the *&%^ out of my *&^%ing way!" - The joy of restricted trading hours in Western Australia.

    Also, all these people who appear to be a shed load smarter and wittier than I am, who post on this site or write letters to Mark Steyn (and get them posted on his site). Pricks!.

    Posted by: Razor at June 18, 2004 at 11:37 AM

    Tim B.!!! Have you been giving humor lessons to your posters again, you naughty boy!

    Posted by: G at June 18, 2004 at 11:42 AM

    Albee's "The Goat or Who is Sylvia", the most sophomoric and overrated play I have ever seen in NY. Also, the woman in the audience near me who spent 15 minutes unwrapping a cellophaned food item during same play.

    Posted by: c at June 18, 2004 at 11:46 AM

    People who talk during the movies, especially those who feel the need to constantly explain to their significant other what's going on.
    The term 'significant other' grrr.

    Posted by: kwol at June 18, 2004 at 11:58 AM

    Web e-mail forms that don't have a check box so that I can send a copy of the e-mail to myself.

    When you call a major corporation and the automatic answerbot asks you to enter some information to continue, and then that information is not available to the next answerbot and/or employee. I think the most I ever gave out my account number in one call was 4 times. On the converse side, one company recently had an actual person greet me by name apparently via caller ID. They knew all my info - all I had to do was explain my problem. This, of course, has merely raised my expectations for all other companies.

    Posted by: MattJ at June 18, 2004 at 12:04 PM

    - People who call you on the phone and have nothing to say.

    - News programs always telling you what's on at another time ... tonight, tomorrow, next week.

    - Europeans getting all bent out of shape over the existence of McDonalds or Coke in their precious realms.

    - Nostril hair.

    - Mail-in rebates.

    - Trailers and soundtrack ads on DVDs I purchase.

    - Things so stupid that only an intellectual can believe them.

    Posted by: Midgard at June 18, 2004 at 12:08 PM

    - Columnists who run out of ideas so they write a a column soliciting repsonses from readers to give them ideas for columns

    -People who use precipitous when they mean precipitate (okay, I'm a pedantic prick)

    -Leftwingers who talk and talk and talk and talk about how their views are suppressed

    Posted by: SteveMG at June 18, 2004 at 12:24 PM

    Goat rustlers got my goat. Har, har, har.

    No. But seriously.

    - People who write letters into the paper saying plastic bags should be banned.

    - Other letter writers who protest any and every new development. (These things really piss me off!)

    - Idiot television reporters/movie directors who use music to 'set the scene' and 'atmosphere' of a piece, while clearly not caring about the music at all, and obviously not having any knowledge about music whatsoever.

    Posted by: TimT at June 18, 2004 at 12:37 PM

    Arseholes who leave trolleys at the nose end of supermarket parking bays so that you don't see them until you're committed to taking the park and there's a queue of cars on your tail.
    Nylon string guitars in mass.
    Bastards at the ABC who mount a pretty plausible case for the word "enormity" to also mean greatness in size.
    Jill Singer who on Jon Faine's ABC radio program carped about the CIA plotting against Whitlam. Fergawdzakes!!
    The Freemasons, they got all our goats.

    Posted by: slatts at June 18, 2004 at 12:39 PM

    I'm with rosignol & illibc.

    PLUS - Pointy-haired managers. They're everywhere, not just in Dilbert.

    The western world will be defeated, not by communists, or islamo-facsists, or green revolutionaries. It will be destroyed from within by creeping managerialism.

    Posted by: Robert Blair at June 18, 2004 at 12:39 PM

    Pedants like Seppo really get my goat.

    Posted by: Dan at June 18, 2004 at 12:40 PM

    Oh, and teachers who get 10-year-olds to write error-free letters to editors promoting dumb leftwing causes.
    And letters editors who publish the damned things.

    Posted by: slatts at June 18, 2004 at 12:41 PM

    Car drivers who try to drag my bike off the line at the lights. They never win, or learn.

    Women who ride scooters in high heels.

    Fat people in skin-tight clothing.

    My girlfriend's mother. Uber Bitch.

    People who use terms like "Going forward..." and "Opportunity for success" when describing a problem.

    Pop music and modern R&B - crap.

    Posted by: JakeD at June 18, 2004 at 12:45 PM

    Anyone whose idea of an appropriate reaction to a cranky friend who has miscarried after stressful fertility treatment is to remind said friend that "Too many people are having babies anyway." (And this person wants to be a counselor. God help his patients, I say).

    Claire's Accessories.

    Junior high students.

    Seeing "His Dark Materials" praised to the skies. Dull narration, irritating heroine, total reliance on the long arm of coincidence, and self-righteousness, all in one fictional package! I couldn't finish the first book.

    Posted by: Sonetka at June 18, 2004 at 12:53 PM

    Right now - Germaine Greer (just saw her on the telly)

    Generally - half-wit TV presenters who announce we are to see a "sneak preview" of the latest Star Wars movie. Yeah so sneaky that I will be watching it with 5 million other people, and seeing it on every channel - everywhere. No, thats what we used to call a "preview". A sneak preview is when I meet George Lucas down the pub and he invites me back to his place and shows me the new film before anyone else.

    Posted by: Lurker at June 18, 2004 at 01:03 PM

    I agree with Sarah - nothing is as cringifyingly awful as applause in church - except maybe the church band playing rock-n-roll hymns when they're the only ones there under 50. Of course liturgical dancing trumps all for goat getting but you don't see that much nowdays.

    Posted by: Pig Head Sucker at June 18, 2004 at 01:03 PM

    (I already sent this directly to Lileks, but what the hell, I'll share the joy... and whew, what's getting my goat this very moment is the skunk walking past my open window. Damn nasty!)

    What gets my goat is the Same Three Lame-O Stories on the Television News, to wit:

    1) Wacky Wedding Ceremony. Underwater, skydiving, on a roller coaster, in Starfleet uniforms, ad nauseum. When I see two weirdos dressed like Klingons in scuba gear leap off a roller coaster and parachute into a lake for their most sacred day, I pray they never reproduce.

    2) Truckload of Something Funny/Slippery/Unusual Overturning and Blocking Highway. Done to death. Needs more. F'rinstance, I once saw a truckload of bananas that had overturned on an icy off-ramp. Yawn. But if an ice truck had come by and wiped out on the bananas that had wiped out on the ice - brother, that's an angle!

    3) Old People Doing Young-People Stuff. Grrrr. Enough with the skateboarding grannies. Switch it around. "Next on News 4 Dubuque - a fifteen-year-old boy who likes to sit in a rocking chair and bitch about Roosevelt!"

    I swear to God, Shep Smith on Fox News once hit the trifecta in his Around the World in 80 Seconds segment, with the bonus Rescued Animal Nursed Back to Health and Returned to the Wild story. Sadly, it wasn't my goat.

    Posted by: Dave S. at June 18, 2004 at 01:17 PM

    Saying podium when you mean lectern (even worse is saying podium and not knowing you mean lectern).

    People who input their "PIN numbers" into the "ATM machine."

    Subscription cards falling out of magazines I already subscribe to.

    People who have "issues" instead of problems.

    News announcers "live on the scene" when they are standing in front of a place where something happened four hours ago. Or standing in front of the hospital where the victim was taken.

    The phrase "world music." Like where else do you get your music from?

    Worst of all is people who disagree with me and cannot see how that makes them total idiots.

    Posted by: Steve Skubinna at June 18, 2004 at 01:23 PM

    Queues of any sort.

    The one person in the shout who always takes 15 minutes to finish the last mouthfull.

    Label drinkers.

    Posted by: Greg at June 18, 2004 at 01:29 PM

    Soccer moms who own fifteen kids and who have been listening to the same thunder I have for the last half hour, who then turn to me and say: "Is it supposed to rain?"

    Women who carry their foofy little dogs into the supermarket with them. Women who leave their foofy little dogs in the car on a hot day. Women who have foofy little dogs.

    Big fat men in nasty, sweaty T-shirts who spend fifty dollars on lottery tickets and gripe for thirty minutes about the local landowner who's rich because he stole all his money from the little guy.

    Academics... because they're so academic.

    Posted by: Rebecca at June 18, 2004 at 01:30 PM

    Politicians who claimn to be "passionate" about anything.

    The so-called "poetry" of Michael Dransfield and the woman "academic", i think called Dobrez, who wrote a huge, unspeakably boring book about it on taxpayer's money.

    The scantimonious moralising of Robert Manne.

    The US labor journal which is concerned about the dignity of Labor but not to the extent of paying contributors

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 02:03 PM

    And (if I can be so greedy as to have another goat gotten):

    Misplaced - or unnecessary - apostrophe's.


    =:> (that's my goat)

    Posted by: ilibcc at June 18, 2004 at 02:08 PM

    Dickheads who still quote old Seinfeld sayings.

    Posted by: Yasonas at June 18, 2004 at 02:12 PM

    People who watch and discuss "reality" TV shows like they mean anuthing or that they are intimate friends with the losers on the tube.

    For that matter, reality TV of any sort.

    Argueing with a woman (name no names) who can't accept logic or rational reasoning.

    Posted by: JakeD at June 18, 2004 at 02:36 PM

    • Young people who find it mandatory to get falling-down drunk at a party and THEN get aggro.
    • Kids (especially but not exclusively) who form small impenetrable groups in shopping centres, right in the middle of the only pedestrian access!
    • The current youthful habit of using US "ghetto-inspired" handshakes. (Can't think of another, nicer way of saying that.)
    • Squeals, hugs and air-kisses
    • People whose only information source regarding firearms is Hollyweird or the idiot box deciding what I, after 37 years of responsible ownership, can or can not own.
    • People who call self-defence "vigilantism".
    • Those who think preserving the environment means locking it away from everyone -- except themselves, of course.
    • Being overtaken on the left, down the emergency lane, by a PYT (Pretty Young Thing™) on P plates, in a Hyundai Excel, on the mobile phone (sorry), cigarette in the other hand, at >100km/h, just before she cut right (no signals) into my lane, missing the front end of my car by less than a metre, and when I flashed my lights (briefly) in disapproval, she thrust her right (cigarette-holding) hand out the window to give me the finger -- leaving no hands on the wheel, while two metres off the bumper of the car in front. Yep, that got my goat all right.

    Posted by: BruceT at June 18, 2004 at 02:47 PM

    Missing a twenty foot putt by a bee's dick.

    Michael Moore.

    Robert Hughes.

    Fat-arsed women with sharp elbows in shopping malls.

    Mainstream journalists.

    Having your photo takn by some prick who spends 10 minutes fiddling with his camera to demonstrate his own importance.

    Watching Collingwood losing Grand Finals.

    Remember though that goats aren't all bad because a good goat will do that ......

    Posted by: Fool to Himself & Burden to Others at June 18, 2004 at 02:50 PM

    Oh, OH YEAH, I just remembered one because I came across it AGAIN in the paper today: "News" stories that inform me of information that is "chilling".

    Like "In a chilling message today, Osama bin Laden announced he was releasing the pox upon us."

    Look, you ink-stained wretches: I CAN READ. I will decide whether something chills me or not.

    Posted by: Steve in Houston at June 18, 2004 at 02:51 PM

    The press adding the suffix "Gate" to any political contretemps.

    Posted by: Fool to Himself & Burden to Others at June 18, 2004 at 02:54 PM

    I hate inaccurate nitpicking. For example, the word photograph derives from phot- (light) and -graphos (to write or otherwise reproduce). Technically, any image produced from light can be properly termed a photograph, so "satellite photograph" is correct. Using the term "image" has a more technical flair but is no more accurate than photograph. Similarly, "digital photography" is not a misnomer. Seppo, I'm looking in your direction (with a squinty eye and a scowl).

    Another thing that really bugs me is retail packaging and labelling. Everything you buy these days is bedecked with stickers, tags, inserts, and another layer of frickin' stickers. Assuming that it isn't sealed inside an "adult proof" container that requires safe cracking skills and explosives to open. What I really hate is when I buy something and it has one of those anti-tampering stickers stuck to the actual product instead of the packaging, so you have to spend way too much effort trying to clean it off and even then the glue residue stays nearly forever.

    Also, people who drive like crap. Especially those folks who never pay attention to yellow lights and just blow through red lights if it changes while they're in the intersection, or who never use their turn signals under any circumstance.

    Posted by: Robin Goodfellow at June 18, 2004 at 02:58 PM

    Feng Shui. Feng freakin' Shui. And, lastly, freakin' Feng freakin' Shui.

    Posted by: Rube at June 18, 2004 at 03:01 PM

    Did I mention Woody Allen-impersonations?

    Posted by: Rube at June 18, 2004 at 03:08 PM

    Oh yeah, speaking of "music":

    Any music made in Seattle since 1990 by any Seattle bands, or by any bands that moved to Seattle so they could be considered Seattle bands. A bunch of suburban middle-class white guys whining about how bad life sucks. Yeah, growing up in Issaquah or Bellevue must of been terrible.

    (Cobain gets a pass -- he was white-trash from the broke-dick logging town of Aberdeen.)

    Posted by: David Crawford at June 18, 2004 at 03:13 PM

    AND while I'm at it:

    • Anyone who promotes anything starting with "New Age" as being "mainstream".
    • Chiropractic as a science.
    • People who regard John Lennon as a "genius".
    • Vegans on a crusade.
    • Harold Scruby :-(
    • Grant Dorrington (for any Sandgropers here).
    • Restricted trading hours (in WA).
    • Blatant media misrepresentation
    • Supermarket checkout signs that say "12 items or less" when they should say "12 items or fewer". :-)
    • Ads that always show males as dickbrained losers.
    • The fact that the most gorgeous women ALWAYS seem to be hanging off the arm of the ugliest, most bogan (boganest?) dropkick you've ever seen in your life.
    • Idiots who keep adding to a list long after it's ceased to be relevant.

    Posted by: BruceT at June 18, 2004 at 03:16 PM

    Jake brakes on trucks.

    People who say, 'ooh, I was never any good at maths at school,' as though I'm meant to pat them on the fucking head and congratulate them for being retarded.

    People who just amble along side-by-side, blocking the pavement, at the speed of three-toed sloths, when you're trying to get somewhere.

    Taxi drivers who, when we are proceeding along a dead straight road will constantly ask which way I want to go. Bitch, if I want you to turn, I will tell you.

    Taxi drivers who think I'm a sap and try to rip me off.

    Taxi drivers who talk to me on the way to work when I am clearly nursing a blazing hangover.

    Foreigners who live for years in a country and don't make attempt one to learn the language.

    Baseball fans.


    Any number of malapropisms and catachrestic usages of words. Blatant and flagrant come to mind, as does comprise/compose, disinterested/uninterested and effect/affect. Irregardless? WTF? The numero uno example is people using 'careen' when they mean 'career' or 'carom'. It is highly unlikely that your car was careening down the road, unless you'd put a special attachment on it on so you could lay boats on their sides and scrape the fucking barnacles off them.

    Posted by: David Gillies at June 18, 2004 at 03:34 PM

    The city of San Francisco in general, and Barry Bonds in particular.

    Posted by: Sean M. at June 18, 2004 at 03:35 PM

    I guess I just got David Gillies' goat.

    Posted by: Sean M. at June 18, 2004 at 03:37 PM

    People with loud car stereos whose bass makes my house vibrate, which causes head bobbing, which then makes me read the same line four times.

    Hardware stores that won’t sell me industrial grade caltrops.

    Children fifty years my junior who tell me that smoking is bad for me. *koff *

    Public servants who speak a language that I know is English, but is unrecognizable as such.

    Funeral parlour ads – especially the one with Diana whatsername. I remember now – Diana Grave Demeanour.

    Well, I’ll just pop off now…

    Posted by: Anabel at June 18, 2004 at 03:50 PM

    Anyone who uses the terms dominant paradigm, post-modernism or diversity, singly or together should get a goat. A very horny goat. A very horny and frustrated goat. (And I should get the webcast rights).

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 03:53 PM

    Oh Robin is right, I forgot about the customer-resistant packaging of various innocuous objects.

    Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 03:59 PM

    The hostility displayed by Canadians when asked if they're American. Australians are very aware of this and always ask me if I'm Canadian. The question has led to some very interesting conversations about Canadian pugnacity. Fucking retards.

    Posted by: J F Beck at June 18, 2004 at 04:07 PM

    No, Sean M., my goat she still here. She have pretty mouth, no? For you, special price, fifty dinar. OK for you my friend forty, but that lowest I go.

    Posted by: David Gillies at June 18, 2004 at 04:10 PM

    To the last one, omit if the context is a session of S&M involving tropical fruit and nut eating birds- I have nothing against a bit of dominant parrot-time.

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 04:14 PM

    Definitely my last - prompted by Robin and Katherine.

    Supermarket packages with superfluous, stupid, dumb-ass lines like the packet of oats I saw the other day that was emblazoned with 'Great for porridge!'


    Posted by: ilibcc at June 18, 2004 at 04:15 PM

    It's 10 PM. Do you know where your goat is?

    Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 04:17 PM


    I'm with you on Grant Dorrington. What a sanctimonious pain in the arse.

    Posted by: Razor at June 18, 2004 at 04:23 PM

    I just thought of another one: people who abhor "over-population" but only in countries peopled by nationalities and races different from their own, as in "why do they have so many kids if they can't even afford a goat?"

    Posted by: timks at June 18, 2004 at 04:35 PM

    People who insist I answer their question when the question was answered. They won't accept an answer that was not what they wanted.

    People who insist I explain my answer when no explanation is needed. They won't accept an answer that was not what they wanted.

    People who re phrase an answer into a different meaning and throw that back at me. They won't accept an answer that was not what they wanted.

    People who say "if you say so." They won't accept an answer that was not what they wanted.

    Posted by: Fred Boness at June 18, 2004 at 04:48 PM

    Pig Head Sucker, how about rock bands in church in general? Every church I visit these days has a bunch of teenagers and middle-aged men on stage writhing around with electric guitars and tambourines. Mortifying.

    speaking of alternative medicine, isn't it about time homeopathy crawled away to die in shame?

    OK, I notice that this is now called for:

  • People who don't like baseball. Ten to one they're degenerate, Moby-listening, new Beetle-driving soccer fans.
  • Posted by: Sarah Brabazon-Biggar at June 18, 2004 at 05:02 PM

    Errm, no, that would be degenerate, rock-listening, non-driving, couldn't-give-a-rat's-arse-about-football. You owe me ten of whatever it was you were betting.

    Posted by: David Gillies at June 18, 2004 at 05:24 PM

    Coming from the Kyoto thread I have to confess to posses another goat, and major one at that:

    People, who advocate implementation of international protocols that would cripple the economy, create massive unemployment and general misery and cause no noticeable difference in the global temperatures and/or quality of natural environment.

    Posted by: Katherine at June 18, 2004 at 05:40 PM

    I just remebered that my god-bothering Aunty & Uncle didn't give our family any presents last Christmas but said they had instead donated the money to buy a goat for some third world family. So I don't know who or what got my goat, but I hope they are happy. (Saved us from having to thank my Aunty for the usually piss poor presents they normally give out.)

    Posted by: Razor at June 18, 2004 at 05:49 PM

    Dickheads who disapprove of shooting John Lennon.

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 06:03 PM


    Kyoto is nothing more than economic warfare...with pseudoscience as its ammo. Which leads directly to what really drives me nuts:

    Idjits that think anything bad for the US must automatically be good for them.

    Posted by: Spiny Norman at June 18, 2004 at 06:11 PM

    People who use "lay" when they should use "lie," and "lie" when they should use "lay."

    Once and for all, the correct usage is:

    "I am going to LIE down"


    "I am going to LAY down"

    Usually I'm not that pedantic about grammar but that one really brings on the homocidal tendencies for some reason.

    Posted by: PNN at June 18, 2004 at 06:37 PM

    David, how about a magnificent assortment of 10 Topps baseball cards from 1988-1995. Highlights include Bobby Ayala and Joey Cora. Perfect for framing (darts optional).
    Shipping and handling: US$45.

    Posted by: Sarah Brabazon-Biggar at June 18, 2004 at 06:42 PM

    "World music": I didn't know anyone else bothered about that. I'm constantly having to turn off Radio 3 in the evenings to avoid this.

    What else gets my goat?

    (1) The common misuse of the phrase "begging the question".

    (2) Pointless consultation exercises.

    (3) The use of the phrase "wake up call for the planet" in any article concerning the weather

    Posted by: rexie at June 18, 2004 at 06:44 PM

    I wondered when someone would mention global warming.

    Posted by: Paulm at June 18, 2004 at 06:48 PM

    Sarah: I am highly tempted, but no. I can download pictures of baseball players from the internet, blow them up to life size, and have at them with firearms.

    rexie: ooh, ooh, me too! Petitio principii. That's like a 14 on the GRRRR-ometer.

    I forgot another one: Emeril Lagassé. Yeah, dude can cook. Yeah, dude gives me hives. And he stole the whole idea of having a band playing when you cut back from commercials from me. So did Letterman, that no-talent hack.

    Posted by: David Gillies at June 18, 2004 at 07:03 PM


    Usually I'm not that pedantic about grammar but that one really brings on the homocidal tendencies for some reason.

    You mean I'm not the only one who hears that on television and wants to leap through the screen and throttle the offender?

    Posted by: Spiny Norman at June 18, 2004 at 07:05 PM


    Ummmm … I mean … like … wouldn't that be homicidal?? (Sorry, been a long day.)

    Posted by: BruceT at June 18, 2004 at 07:16 PM

    People who skimp on shoes.

    Posted by: James Hamilton at June 18, 2004 at 07:20 PM

    David Gillies: While we're on the subject of logical inaccuracy, how about "refute" meaning little more than "repudiate" or "deny"?

    Posted by: rexie at June 18, 2004 at 07:23 PM

    “Lifestyle shows”. Fucking Lifestyle shows. I mean JEEEEEEEEESSSSSUSSSS! What sort of lame motherfucker needs his goddamn TV to tell him what’ll make him happy??? For Christ’s sake, if you don’t know what makes you happy, get your stupid arse off the fucking couch and go out and see what in the fucking world pushes your fucking buttons. The fucking TV won’t tell you.

    And while I’m on the subject, the fucking word “lifestyle” really REALLY pisses me right off. What the fucking fuck was it with the brand of mayonnaise that came out a couple of years back here – ‘Praise “Lifestyle” with canola’??? Was that a fucking food product or a wardrobe accessory or fucking what?

    I feel better now I’ve said that.

    Sorry I’ve been fairly unimaginative in my choice of profanity … it is Friday and all…

    Posted by: Pacman at June 18, 2004 at 07:44 PM

    rexie: I think I love you, man (in a non-squelchy way).

    Posted by: David Gillies at June 18, 2004 at 07:52 PM

    Erm, pundits who go for unfunny 'humour' pieces when the real story gets inconvenient. Imre's good at that.
    Oh yeah, Aussie clone tv. Why did they get Cornelia Frances to play Anne Robinson? Plenty of shrill bitches around...
    Let's save a few posts here...
    'You say Margo and I say Janet
    You say Dave Marr and I say Miranda
    Phillip - Angela
    blah blah - blah blah

    Posted by: Rogier Van Der Weyden at June 18, 2004 at 08:00 PM

    People who insist I must like some sort of sport before I can be considered a member of the human race. If God had wanted us to run about in the sun having blunt objects thrown at us, he would have given us cleats on our feet and made our heads out of rubber.

    People who are cheery in the morning.

    People, in general.

    Posted by: Andrea Harris at June 18, 2004 at 08:16 PM


    You are of course correct. I knew as soon as I mentioned grammar I'd have to go and make some obvious spelling error and get egg all over my face. Just my luck.

    Posted by: PNN at June 18, 2004 at 08:23 PM

    Partners who don't want sex when you wake up on a rainy Saturdasy morning.

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 08:29 PM

    Partners who don't want sex when you wake up on a rainy Saturdasy morning.

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 08:29 PM

    Partners who don't want sex when you wake up on a rainy Saturdasy morning.

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 08:30 PM

    It's a rainy Saturday morning.

    Hello, Sue.

    Posted by: ilibcc at June 18, 2004 at 09:10 PM

    The term "pop music" - blech.

    Posted by: Rob at June 18, 2004 at 09:26 PM

    They make excuses like, "Can't you waitr till tonight?" Or "We've been married 12 years." Phooey!

    Posted by: Sue at June 18, 2004 at 09:45 PM

    "why do they have so many kids if they can't even afford a goat?"

    they have so many children, timks, because, unlike our friend habib, they can't afford to keep a goat on the side...

    Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 10:22 PM

    Andrea: I'm a moderate sports follower. Other than that, I agree with you 100 per cent. Cheery morning people should be machine-gunned.

    Sue: When I say I don't like cheery morning people, I don't mean...

    Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 18, 2004 at 10:37 PM

    Anybody else irritated by the endless junk science that manages to get to the top of the news? I'm thinking of the stuff that epidemiologists churn out on things like associations between passive drinking and toe-nail cancer (to take a fictional example from the Numberwatcher, John Brignell).

    Posted by: rexie at June 18, 2004 at 11:19 PM

    beep- "Hey its me, give me a call, I have the information you wanted."

    If you are going to leave a phone message, leave your name and number so I don't have to either try and guess who you are or look around for your number.
    or better yet just leave the information I needed on the phone message so I don't have to call you back at all.

    Posted by: monkeyboy at June 18, 2004 at 11:46 PM

    Some non-believer Hezbollah swine just got my goat with an RPG.
    Kebabs, anyone?

    Posted by: Habib at June 18, 2004 at 11:48 PM

    would that be an rpg-bq, habib? yum!

    Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 18, 2004 at 11:52 PM

    People who say, "That makes me nauseous." when they should say, "That makes me Nauseated."

    Posted by: Buford Gooch at June 19, 2004 at 12:04 AM

    People who say "verbal" when they mean "oral." Verbal encompasses both oral and written statements.

    People who use the words "utilization" and "utilize", both of which has exactly the same meaning as "use", but is longer and, apparently, must therefor be better.

    Posted by: R C Dean at June 19, 2004 at 12:31 AM

    People who use the work "utilize".

    Any deliberate obfuscation of otherwise clear language.

    "The medium is the message." Abstract art.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 12:55 AM

    Comment threads that are so long you give up on reading them, and your observation overlaps another one that you didn't read until too late.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 12:58 AM

    Anyone who, when faced with an inconvenient fact, tries to send it down the memory hole.

    Hint: Changing the subject and pretending it never happened do *not* alter reality, buddy.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:09 AM


    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:16 AM

    Anyone possessing the delusion that the government has money of it's own. And where does that money come from, exactly?

    On a related note, people who think that things we couldn't otherwise afford magically become within reach of everyone if the government is paying. Like poor people who go to an expensive restaraunt and think they can suddenly afford to eat extravagantly because they're splitting the check.

    BTW, somebody stop me when you have enough.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:21 AM

    The concept of entitlement.

    The cult of the victim.

    All beliefs are sacred, except Christianity.

    All cultures are of equal value, except American.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:28 AM

    Self-refuting belief systems, that go "poof" when applied to themselves. (Relativism, Multiculturalism, etc etc)

    Things so stupid only an intellectual could believe them.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:38 AM

    Anyone who expects to be treated differently than they treat others.

    You're not that important, get over it.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:44 AM

    Great suggestions, all of them. One big pet peeve of mine is when someone calls for someone else ( at work, home, wherever), and asks "Do you know how long Susan will be out/on the phone?" NO, I DON'T. And it's rather egotistical of you to think Susan should rearrange her life to accommodate your schedule.

    Ah, venting felt good. :-)

    Posted by: Anne at June 19, 2004 at 01:48 AM

    Anyone caught using the phrase "it's for the children".

    Arbitrary prohibition of chemical substances. Prohibition (big 'P') brought us the Kennedy's. Haven't we learned anything?

    Public sector unions. The very *concept* is abhorrent. WHO do you work for, exactly? Think it out.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:54 AM

    Whover is responsible for their being a plastic grocery bag full of diarrhea in the corner of my apartment complex's laundry room. From the smear on the floor, apparently it started in the middle of the room and was dragged into the corner.

    No, I am not making this up, yes I need to move and noone is reading this anyway. :)

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 01:59 AM

    Any system that eliminates incentive.

    The conviction that theory trumps data.

    The notion that "all people are good on the inside".

    (These are all related to...) Socialism.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 02:04 AM

    When commentators (typically sports-related) say "Every team could use 'a' Barry Bonds, or 'a' Vladmir Guerrero." Those damn dehuminizing a's drive me crazy. Just say Barry Bonds or Guerrero! AUGH! My BP is rising just thinking about it....

    Posted by: chitrader at June 19, 2004 at 02:06 AM

    "Fashion" that has nothing to do with expressing (or hiding) things with color, texture and shape and is instead about somehow making huge distinctions over small, artitrary differences. Consider the shape of the toes of "fashionable" shoes.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 02:12 AM

    People who are bad at their jobs.

    People who take no pride in their work.

    Bureaucratic careerism.

    The "hard sell". Sales should be about customer service taken to another level, not about interpersonal manipulation to make someone do something they don't want to do.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 02:24 AM

    Pictures of children dressed as adults.

    Posted by: Emily at June 19, 2004 at 02:24 AM

    Anyone who says they're "saving the planet" with a straight face.
    Pop stars, actors and celebrities who embrace causes.
    The entire population of Adelaide.

    Posted by: Willmott Fribbish at June 19, 2004 at 02:28 AM

    people who say that someone who has been arrested for some brutal crime was "a good kid" or "a quiet neighbor"

    Posted by: Mr. Bingley at June 19, 2004 at 02:33 AM

    "Charitable causes" that exists solely to raise money for themselves.

    Door-to-door canvassing.

    Mandatory "voluntary" contributions. (look at a college student's 'Student Activities' bill)

    (anything)-Separatists. Fine, go form a cult and drink some Kool Aid, we don't want to hear about you.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 02:38 AM

    Identity politics. To an American, whose country has no ethnic basis for existence and is based on ideas this is almost treason.

    Envy. Live your own life. If it sucks it's probably your fault.

    Affirmative action. Let's end racism with... racism.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 02:49 AM

    My final goat-getter: people who have better goat-getting posts than I do.

    Posted by: Rebecca at June 19, 2004 at 03:32 AM

    Greg, that plastic bag is really upping your misery quotient today, isn't it?

    Waitpersons who won't bring me a glass of water even after I've asked 3 times, but bring me a cosmopolitan immediately.

    People who use their laptops in movie theaters while the main feature is right up there, on the screen.

    Children who kick the back of my chair.

    The fact I used "waitpersons" without even thinking about it.

    Posted by: ushie at June 19, 2004 at 03:38 AM

    Like today, people who come up to you at funerals and say, 'How are you...?'

    Cabbies carting lesbians, who stop at intersections and say, 'Ya wanna go straight...?'

    Cruel really, but I can't help myself.

    Posted by: Just another friggin' cabbie at June 19, 2004 at 04:38 AM

    People use laptops in movie theaters?! Where is this? Hopefully somewhere with the death penalty...

    Posted by: Robin Goodfellow at June 19, 2004 at 05:13 AM

    - People who don't seem to know the difference between to and too

    - Coffin ads on TV

    - People who assume you are stupid because you don't agree with them

    - Telemarketers

    - Electronic SPAM

    - Spyware/Malware that installs behind your back and is difficult to remove

    Posted by: Chris Josephson at June 19, 2004 at 06:13 AM

    *Personal injury lawyers
    *Lawyers who become career politicians
    (they don't "get my goat" as much as make me want to puke on them)
    *High school graduates who get confused giving change back. "Lessee...mmm...why'd you give me $22.03 for a $11.78 bill?"
    *Misuse of pronouns. ("Me and a friend went to the store." arrrgh)
    *Drivers who mysteriously slow down to a stop, then put their blinker on
    *Mumblers. If I wanted to hear just every 3rd word, I'd go to the fast food drive thru.
    *"Euro-chic" and similar terms
    *Victim culture, a.k.a. Lack of Personal Responsibility
    *"Concerned" people who are really enrichening themselves (see: Jesse Jackson, Ralph Nader)
    *Endless blabberers. Like I'm really interested.

    Posted by: Bloated_govt at June 19, 2004 at 08:54 AM

    -Incorrect usage of their/there/they're.

    -Anti-American pussies. There are assholes in every walk of life, we just happen to have a lot. No reason to hate the whole lot of us.

    -Dr. Phil. Who's this fuckin clown? He's a divorcee who preaches to us on how to maintain a relationship. And: (true story) Friend of mine saw him out on the town one night coming out of a restaurant. He was quite obese, and wearing a nice shirt and tie, had sweat stains running from his pits to his pants. My drunken friend, wanting to holler something at the celebrity, settled on this remark: "Dr Phil!! You're...you're all sweaty!" This guy has a book on how to lose weight! Practice what you preach!

    Posted by: scherz at June 19, 2004 at 09:25 AM

    Normally where I live is a pretty cool place, but sometimes something happens that just blows me away and all I can think of is "I have to get OUT". I've been trying all day and I simply cannot conceive of a scenario that would explain the plastic poopsack and its location.

    When you're sufficiently excited or agitated, meaning to say or write one thing (and thinking you did) and actually doing something else. When I'm calm I use its/it's, there/their/they're, here/hear properly, and I can even spell- went to a district spelling bee as a wee middle schooler.

    Anyone who complains that they're bored. Life is precious, and you are a waste of it.

    Hipsters. What exactly is it you think you know that the rest of us don't?

    Anyone who demonstates their individuality by donning a uniform.

    Posted by: Greg at June 19, 2004 at 11:34 AM

    1. Getting onto a thread too late
    2. Stories about some guy who's just beaten some complete stranger to death in a drunken/drugged frenzy, in which his mother/ex-girlfriend describes him as a "gentle giant".
    3. Idiots who insist on stopping their shopping trolleys directly adjacent to another idiot's trolley in mid-aisle, creating an impassable barrier. It makes me want to fly into a drunken, drug-fuelled frenzy...

    Posted by: cuckoo at June 19, 2004 at 12:42 PM

    Idiots who believe copnspiracies in restraint of trade such as tariffs will strengthen the economy.

    Posted by: Sue at June 19, 2004 at 03:57 PM

    Two words: Essential Oils.

    Posted by: PNN at June 19, 2004 at 07:59 PM

    * People who play rap on the car stereos at ear-shattering volume. No, prick, at 3 AM I don't want to hear about your "ho".

    * People from whom words "George Bush" elicit condescending laughter or shudders of dread.

    * People who have raised whining to an art form, e.g., leftists, feminists, and White Sox fans.

    Posted by: Brown Line at June 20, 2004 at 12:19 AM

    Lots of good goat-getters above.Yet my American friends missed a major league Billy: Calling government spending an investment.

    Posted by: Some seppo at June 20, 2004 at 12:28 AM

    Brown Line, White Sox fans? Shit, you want whining, try Red Sox fans. I just wish the Red Sox would hurry up and win a World Series just so those Boston bitchers and moaners would finally shut the f**k up.

    Posted by: David Crawford at June 20, 2004 at 02:37 AM

    Those infuriating and numerous bits of card that tumble from the pages of magazines I am reading inviting me to subscribe, when I'm already a subscriber. And those advertisement inserts in same magazines that are made of thicker paper that make it difficult to hold the pages open ...

    Posted by: Matt at June 20, 2004 at 09:44 AM

    Paradigms, shifting or otherwise.

    Posted by: Joy at June 20, 2004 at 10:46 AM

    Movie sequels i.e., any movie with a Roman numeral in it. Why is this a sure-fire indicator of excruciating badness?

    Posted by: Reid at June 20, 2004 at 01:18 PM

    1) People who bring small children to late movies. Did you expect your eight month old child to sleep through "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" ? Are you hoping that the five year old will not have bad dreams because you took them to see "Day of the Dead" ? ( moral of this goat is never see a R-rated movie late at night.)
    2) People who start signal for a turn two blocks away/ Those who start to signal in the middle of the turn.
    3) People who refuse to use the turn lane .

    Posted by: Alien Grey for Haliburton at June 20, 2004 at 02:41 PM

    Goat stuff: You're merging onto a busy, fast-moviing highway and you think you see your break. But the car that could let you in speeds up just when you're running out of room. Turns out they are exiting only thirty feet later. (A disturbing new trend around New York - Argh!)

    Posted by: O at June 20, 2004 at 04:19 PM

    People that use profane language... Come on, use some bold tags if you want to make a point, but all the cussing just makes you look like an F-in' idiot!

    News media folks that seem to believe our life is improved by hearing about Scott Peterson, Kobe Bryant, Madonna, J-lo, Britney or (Insert name of your favorite bimboloid here).

    Whatever Greta Van Sustern is interested in at the moment.

    Ted Kennedy.

    Any other politician from Massechussets.

    Being the last post.

    Posted by: gaw at June 20, 2004 at 05:56 PM

    Pre-emptive de-goating;

    Folks making fun of my misspelling of Massachoosits... messachewsett... mazzachoositss...

    Awe, heck- thank God I'm from Texas and don't have to learn how to spell such a lame state!

    Posted by: gaw at June 20, 2004 at 06:01 PM

    a test

    Posted by: Jack at June 21, 2004 at 11:27 AM

    Fuck you jack and your fucking tests. Post something substantial or be banned like all the other dickwads.

    Posted by: Andrea Harris at June 21, 2004 at 02:55 PM