August 29, 2004


At least they've stopped calling it Flyover Country:

Piraro suggests breaking up the country into Eastern America, Western America and "everything in the middle can be Dumbistan. They can outlaw condoms, sex education -- anything they want."

Posted by Tim Blair at August 29, 2004 09:39 AM


Let's call the east and west cost "Tardistan".

Posted by: Quentin George at August 29, 2004 at 10:02 AM

What we have here is a group of jerks masquerading as comics.

Posted by: The Real JeffS at August 29, 2004 at 10:08 AM

Those of us in Broken Arrow, OK are rolling on the floor...

Posted by: zzx375 at August 29, 2004 at 10:10 AM

Brilliant way to get folks to see things your way: Insult them! (And they call us Red-Staters dumb?)

Posted by: Cybrludite at August 29, 2004 at 10:10 AM

Sam Kinison's solution for homelessness was a lot funnier:

You give 'em the test. You sit 'em down and you go "Eh, you got any job skills, any career training? Any type of talent for anything that'll help you get a job?"


"Do you have any loved ones, do you have any friends, someone who'll love you enough to take you in, help you get back on your feet, help you fight back?"


"Is there anything left inside of you as a man that wants to get on his two feet and do something to change his world?"


*** BOOM *** I swear to God, the guy behind him is going to go,

"Woah, woah, woah, My God, you're shooting the homeless!....Ok, I'm homeless, I don't have a job. I may have set my career goals a little too high. All right, all right. I was holding out for an executive position. That doesn't look like it's going to happen. Give me a couple of hours, I'll get a paper route, I'll get something. I'll get a job where I take the carts back to the grocery store, don't shoot me!"

The homeless will disapear, that'll be one less problem for America.

Posted by: Moonbat_One at August 29, 2004 at 10:14 AM

I love the crack about Laura Bush "setting womankind back a hundred years." Gee, and how does she do that? I thought that finally we had a First Lady who didn't spend her time hogging half her husband's limelight by running around making speeches, interfering in government affairs with impractical dogooder schemes, sucking up to wives of terrorists, and in general being an annoying bitch. But somehow that is "setting womankind back a hundred years." I tell you what, Baldy, why don't you shove your patronizing "I'm a male feminist" lines back in your pants, and we won't ask you to quit changing channels on the teevee every five seconds. Fair enough?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at August 29, 2004 at 10:16 AM

Hear, hear, Andrea!

But don't you think the worst part isn't that they're insulting, it's that they're so unfunny?

Piraro is yet 'toonist. Figures.

Posted by: c at August 29, 2004 at 10:20 AM

Can you imagine a place without condoms, sex ed, and an unwavering devotion to fighting and killing for some god?

What if this 'Dumbistan' place expressed it's fervent desire to destroy you by killing thousands of your fellow citizens?

What would you do to defend your precious east and west coast centers of higher thought, learning, and civilization?

Oh, I don't know...say maybe they had a point? Call your elected leaders morons and war criminals and strip down naked in the street? Maybe build giant puppets to castigate the people who were trying to protect your right to build giant puppets?

That would be clever.

Posted by: JDB at August 29, 2004 at 10:25 AM

Laugh? I almost did.

Posted by: Bruce Hill at August 29, 2004 at 10:42 AM

For those of you unfamiliar with Piraro, he's been in the SF CommiePile for years. Absolutely no talent, absolutely no humor. Bizarro is the stupidest, most pointless comic this side of "Zippy".

But at least that brainless moron that writes "Zippy" doesn't have delusions that he's a political cartoonist.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 29, 2004 at 10:48 AM

Ha ha! Should have read the whole story before posting!

And Piraro is a former Catholic schoolboy and current animal rights advocate. "I got into it because of my wife," [poochie? just askin'] he smiles, looking much younger -- with his soul patch and cowboy shirt -- than his 48 years. "We foster chickens who have been abused and need good homes."

I'll give 'em a good home, dude! I have a couple of chickens (technically, parts thereof) having a great time dancing on the barbecue.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 29, 2004 at 10:53 AM

That's the asshat who writes Bizzaro? Makes sense really, I just didn't pay attention to the name first.

And the "set womankind back 100 years" line sounds like something you'd try on loose lefty college wimmin.

Posted by: Ryan W at August 29, 2004 at 11:09 AM

You know the beauty of Dumbistan. Dumbistan would have nearly all of the gas refineries, all of the coal fields, and damn near all the guns. We could rob the bluestaters blind. Not to mention the brewries and distillers too. And they can sell their wine to the French.

Talk about a "you're either with us or against us" mentality. Hypocrites.

Posted by: Harry in Atlanta at August 29, 2004 at 11:59 AM

But, Harry, you're Eastern America. Or does that border stop south of DC?

Posted by: c at August 29, 2004 at 12:33 PM

Just like to point out that most of the east coast from Norfolk VA to lower GA would go with the "Middle" as well. That leaves the west coast and some bits of the Northeast.

Posted by: monkeyboy at August 29, 2004 at 01:14 PM

Although unimpressed by the names given to the new nations (did Piraro give the names of Australia's states?), I'm not surprised that someone's advocating breaking up the USA.

They advocated the same with Microsoft. Part of the perceived problem with the USA is that it's large enough to act unilaterally, whereas if the country is broken up into pieces that aren't individually large enough to act unilaterally and are divided up such that some of the new countries are war-averse, then they'd solve to an extent the perceived problem.

Posted by: Andjam at August 29, 2004 at 01:22 PM

A 48-year-old man with a soul patch better be waving a cutlass and steering a pirate ship...

Posted by: richard mcenroe at August 29, 2004 at 01:57 PM

Interesting, that use of the word "Dumbistan". More to the point: "istan". Sort of betrays the fact that even the most pickled-in-the-brine-of-leftism-loonatoid knows in his heart of hearts that the real danger comes from a region of the world nominating itself a "stan".

Or maybe I'm reading too much into it?

Posted by: Rebecca at August 29, 2004 at 02:28 PM

If the west coast goes Leftie, Eastern Washington will go Dumbistan instead of "Western America". I'll volunteer to guard the frontier in the Cascades. Those liberal pukes will pay cash for their electricity and wheat, or they can learn how hunter-gatherers really live.

Posted by: The Real JeffS at August 29, 2004 at 02:33 PM

Heck, if eastern Washington goes Dumbistan, so would California north of Sacramento, probably along with easter Oregon.

I would have missed the redwoods.

Posted by: SteveH at August 29, 2004 at 03:08 PM

Piraro's Bizarro (which inexplicably appears in the Houston [Dumbistan] Chronicle) contains a little pie slice, lit dynamite stick, or (more rarely) alien hidden in nearly every cartoon. I've always thought these must contain hidden messages from Osama Bin Laden.

Posted by: Angie Schultz at August 29, 2004 at 04:12 PM


You are correct in that the eastern US ends at DC. We are the southern US.

I have to believe that parts of far western states along with parts of Pennsylvania, West Virginia and all of New Hampshire would want to be included the Republic of Dumbistan also. They can have all of Illinois, Madison Wis., Minneapolis and St. Paul, Detroit, Ann Arbor, Des Moines, most of Arkansas, Memphis, Knoxville, Florida south of Orlando, Austin, Molly Ivins, Cynthia Tucker, and St. Louis just to sweeten the pot.

Posted by: Harry in Atlanta at August 29, 2004 at 04:56 PM


Oh no you don't! Chicago - maybe, the rest of suburbia and Downstate, never! I want to leave this 'stan for home, not the Elite States of unAmerica.

Posted by: Major John at August 29, 2004 at 05:52 PM

Instead of breaking up the country, how about we just go for a little more federalism? Texas can outlaw gay sex, the coastal states can support welfare states, and neither has to drink the other's koolaid?

Posted by: Steven Jens at August 29, 2004 at 06:23 PM

Harry in Atlanta,

I like your gerrymandering proposal and see that you've spared Andrea- good thinking! Two questions: How much of Ft. Worth and Atlanta do Ivins and Tucker take with them to the other side? I've family both places and am concerned.

Also, is Dumbistan to be a sovereign nation, and could we send Alice Cooper to rep us in the UN, if so?

Posted by: c at August 29, 2004 at 10:25 PM

Ambassador Alice.....I like that!

Posted by: The Real JeffS at August 30, 2004 at 01:53 AM

JeffS, trust me on this one, it's not just Northern California but esentially all of California more than 30 miles from the coast.

And despite the valiant attempts of the Dembulbs, we still have guns.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 30, 2004 at 02:08 AM

Excellent, Ken! Excellent! Glad to see California still has non-wackos in their population.

One has to wonder -- does the ocean draw the lefties? It's much the same in Western Washinton. Is this like the mythical lemmings? Maybe if we had a good tsunami?

Posted by: The Real JeffS at August 30, 2004 at 02:45 AM

Sadly, the non-wackos are outnumbered by the wackos. And yes, I think there is something to the idea that the ocean draws the lefties, though I really don't know why.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 30, 2004 at 04:35 AM

We're pretty dumb here in Central California, too.

Posted by: Sean at August 30, 2004 at 08:58 AM

I'm also getting a bit tired of the hip-ironic-jew-surrounded-by-the-hickish-goyim routine. Zzzzzzz.

Posted by: Sean at August 30, 2004 at 09:05 AM

Kim du Toit showed how it should be done, awhile back

Posted by: CGeib at August 30, 2004 at 12:01 PM

It's usually unfortunate when you learn about the politics of an entertainer you like. Bizarro has been a very funny comic. It's off its stride lately. Maybe after the election Piarro will calm down, or maybe that will drive him all the way over the edge. The pie etc are explained in some of his collections.

"Now watch me attempt to pull a habit out of a rat!"


Posted by: Ted at August 30, 2004 at 03:30 PM

Beg to differ, Ted. I've seen Bizarro for years. I have never seen it to be funny (occasionally mildly amusing, like a normal comic on a bad day).

This could, of course, be a slightly skewed vision because I decided it was crap years ago and have rarely seen it since.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 31, 2004 at 12:35 AM

CGeib, I like du Toit's map, except that he shows the eastern border of Nuevo Aztlan about 100 miles too far east.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 31, 2004 at 12:37 AM

Ask Alberta to join while you all are at it. They even wear the traditional headcoverings of Dumbistanian males:

Ye Cowboy Hat, and the Baseball Cap proudly emblazoned with their local deities (John Deer, et al)

Posted by: Fred at August 31, 2004 at 01:35 AM

Really sad. I can look over at my bookshelf and see three of Piraro's books fromt he day when he was a genuine clever and inventive cartoonist. But those books are all from the 80's and I was a lot younger then. His recent cartoons have been better suited to sharing a page with the lunatic Aaron McGruder's Boondocks.

A pity when talent is corrupted by irrational hate.

Posted by: Eric Pobirs at August 31, 2004 at 01:52 AM

Eric, there's another difference. I strongly disagree with McGruder's politics, but found him to be at least clever and talented (even when he pissed me off). I haven't read Boondocks for a while, so maybe he's gone around the bend recently, I just don't know.

But Piraro has NEVER been any good on any level so far as I have seen.

Posted by: Ken Summers at August 31, 2004 at 01:57 AM

He got the names wrong. I vote for Condescendia and Assholia, put 'em on whichever coast seems appropriate.

Posted by: JorgXMcKie at August 31, 2004 at 04:37 AM

Why not give the walking zombie militia their own country and leave Dumbistan to us. We could call it Shakerworld(nuance intended). It could be split into equal cantons or provences. Some suggestions in no particular order or importance since there is an equality of outcome issue here. Surrenderstan. Diplomacystan. Nevilestan. Capitulationstan. Consensusstan. Ratherstan. Wewillfightnomoreforeverstan. Wewereneverforwarbeforewewereagainstitstan. Nuclearfreezoneistan. Weappologizeforeverythingandanythingistan. Elitistsan.

Posted by: Yojimbo at August 31, 2004 at 06:11 AM

OOPS! Forgot Stareurostan. Sorry.

Posted by: YoJimbo at August 31, 2004 at 06:16 AM

How about Kerristan?

Posted by: The Real JeffS at August 31, 2004 at 07:22 AM

Real Jeffs. I had that one but didn't want to make the list too long. Hey! If they establish the wewillfightnomoreforever place your going to have to move!

Posted by: YoJimbo at August 31, 2004 at 09:32 AM

Steve: Really, pretty much all of Oregon except the Willamette Valley would be "dumbistan", in Piraro's world.

Badthinkers must be isolated ,you know.

Posted by: Sigivald at August 31, 2004 at 09:54 AM