June 09, 2004


• Margo Kingston hasn’t filed anything for Webdiary, so Jack Robertson helps out by posting a bunch of his random e-mails to press secretaries, defence officials, the Australian Federal Police, the US ambassador, the national media, Santa Claus, Jim Morrison, and the Great Pumpkin. No unifying theme is present, and the piece ends with this inexplicable plea: "I urge you all to think about Greg Shackleton’s last report from Balibo at least once every day."

• More than half of the country’s rugby league players say they are embarrassed to be rugby league players. The other half refused to admit that they were rugby league players.

• Dave Barry is monitoring Australia’s creeping fascism.

• Lots of fine posts over at Tongue Tied. And Stephen Green is in spectacular form.

• Mark Latham, whose character references are well known, now claims: "I don't get into character references."

• Kate Sullivan needs a name for her new dog. My suggestion: "Furry Stroke Victim".

• Apparently there’s some new rule against free speech in Australia.

• My prediction for the number of reports from the Hawthorn-Essendon game fell a little short.

• Harry Hutton is getting rid of his old step-ladder: "I am not sentimental about throwing it out, since it is only my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder; he abandoned us when we were small and I was raised by in the forest by a family of foxes. One day I'll tell you of how we were found by a farmer, of our slow return to civilisation, and the adventures we had along the way. It is a beautiful story; stranger than any fiction."

• Andrea Harris visits Fundy Muslim Summer Camp. Sing along!

• Melbourne City Council wants to name a street in honour of AC/DC.

• Reader Waz mentioned earlier that he was thinking about buying a Honda. Damian Penny finds exactly what Waz is looking for.

• If Sheila O’Malley hands you her eyeball, it means she likes you.

Posted by Tim Blair at June 9, 2004 05:48 AM

Oh Lord, it's out. The eyeball-story is out!!

Posted by: red at June 9, 2004 at 06:39 AM

I have a friend who can hand you his actual eyeball. Well, a glass one. It once spontaneously left his head when he met Jamie Lee Curtis.

Long story.

Posted by: tim at June 9, 2004 at 06:45 AM

"spontaneously left his head when he met Jamie Curtis".

Not only does it sound like a long story, but it sounds like just about the BEST story. EVER.

Posted by: red at June 9, 2004 at 07:06 AM

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

"Is this yours?" he asked.

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."

Posted by: david at June 9, 2004 at 08:27 AM

We want the eyeball story, Tim!

Posted by: Andrea Harris at June 9, 2004 at 10:05 AM

Does this story end “It was a ricochet d’oeil”?

Tim, please tell us. It’s so important. Doitforthechildren.

Posted by: ForNow at June 9, 2004 at 11:08 AM

A month ago I held my mothers eyeball in the palm of my hand. I'd been bugging her for months to take it out and let me have a look, and I finally succeeded.

Why does she have a glass eyeball? Well ... long story?

Okay, poor excuse. She had an infection in her eye and had to have it out. Not long at all, really.

Posted by: TimT at June 9, 2004 at 12:08 PM

The eyeball story shall be told -- once I speak to the man himself, currently in hospital.

Posted by: tim at June 9, 2004 at 12:27 PM

Bring a catcher’s mitt.

Posted by: ForNow at June 9, 2004 at 12:28 PM

Lots of glass eye stories lol.

We had a guy at our golf club who would take his glass eye out in front of his opponents and mark his ball on the green with it when the match was tight. Proved to be very effective gamesmanship.

Posted by: amortiser at June 9, 2004 at 12:36 PM

The GG is being criticised for his remarks on the comments made by GWB.

We didn't hear too much criticism from these same commentators when Sir William Deane regularly engaged in partisan political debate during his tenure. He made an artform of the practice.

Posted by: amortiser at June 9, 2004 at 12:41 PM

Well done "amortiser"! That creepy little drop kick Dean and his incessant partisan politicking drew only plaudits and approbation from the very same communards who now have the sheer effrontery to condemn the GG for a most innocuous comment.
Problem is that this comment from the GG appears to support the Government not condemn it as dickhead dean did.

Posted by: lawrie at June 9, 2004 at 01:54 PM

One day, in a past career, long ago, I worked with a Loans Officer in a Bank. He was interviewing a client who was guarantor for a loan.

When the person was advised that his security was to be called up (the borrowers were approx 12 months in arrears to 2 seperate organisations), he exploded - and then threw his ARTIFICIAL EAR on the desk and walked out of the office in a rage.

The Loans Officer nearly threw up.

The matter was resolved in a much more amicable matter later.

Posted by: DaveACT at June 9, 2004 at 04:03 PM

My Grandfather has a glass eye, I think he needs to hear your glass eye story to feel less alone. He himself, has many glass eye stories but none involve Jamie Lee Curtis Curtis, or indeed any minor member of the British aristocracy.

Posted by: Emily at June 9, 2004 at 05:08 PM

It once spontaneously left his head when he met Jamie Lee Curtis.

I always thought you could put your eye out with one of those. Nice to have the suspicion confirmed.

Posted by: Slartibartfast at June 10, 2004 at 01:29 AM

Slartibartfast : OK! I'm not the only one who has fantasies...LOL

Posted by: DaninVan at June 10, 2004 at 04:52 AM

David's story reminds me of a gal I once knew only through a chat room, who also had a glass eye. We had decided to finally meet at a bar.

She said "How will I know you?"

I said "I'll wear a red carnation, like in the movies. How will I know you?"

She said "I'll keep an eye out for you"

Posted by: Ken Summers at June 10, 2004 at 06:11 AM

Wow. I sure shut this conversation down.

Posted by: Ken Summers at June 11, 2004 at 03:57 PM

I'll resume this rather macabre conversation about glass eyes.

Back in the 80's there was a guy who lived not too far from my family by the last name of Weiner (his son used to insist that it was pronounced "wine-er," which didn't help much, since he was a sniveling little whiner, but I digress) who had a glass eye. He thought it the height of hilarity to horrify the neighborhood children by taking out said glass eye and showing them his gaping, empty eye socket. Sadly, I never witnessed the spectacle. On second thought, "sadly" may be the wrong word for it...

Posted by: Sean M. at June 11, 2004 at 07:19 PM

Actually I swiped the idea from a book by Carl Hiassen. Who says liberals can't do useful work?

Posted by: Slartibartfast at June 11, 2004 at 11:24 PM