May 10, 2004


Harry points out the correct way to deal with cat whisperers:

At work today a woman told me that she talks to her cats and tells them her problems, and the cats listen. “You should be locked up,” I thought. If you meet someone who tells you that her best friends are cats, the correct response is to look at your watch and say, “Is that the time? TAXI!” That is what I would do, if I met such a person in my free time. But here there was no escape.

There is no escape but the tomb.

Posted by Tim Blair at May 10, 2004 03:51 AM

I used to talk to my dogs and tell them my problems. They listened, but they didn't give a damn.

Posted by: Rebecca at May 10, 2004 at 04:02 AM

Ok, I love cats, and as a cat lover I can attest to the idea that you can talk to you cat and it will understand ... no more and no less than a dog.

Now I don't sit there tell my cat my problems, but I do talk to my cat. One of my three cats even talks back in his own way.

Posted by: Dwayne at May 10, 2004 at 04:04 AM

Talking to your pets is fine....having a conversation with your pets is..... well, a bit suspect.

Posted by: rinardman at May 10, 2004 at 04:18 AM

How about when your pets start the conversation? ;-)

Posted by: The Real JeffS at May 10, 2004 at 04:55 AM

Buy and read "The Man-Kzin Wars." They will answer all your questions about cat relationships.

Posted by: HC at May 10, 2004 at 05:07 AM

Last I heard dogs had a vocabulary of something like 200 words. Words, that is, they understand. Some even try to repeat them, but they don't have the physical equipment for proper enunciation.

A cat's vocabulary is much smaller, but they still have one.

And yes, they do talk back. Cats more than dogs, but both will vocalize to you because you vocalize to them. Cats and dogs are, in their own way, courteous little beasts.

(True, this courtesy does include sticking their noses in your anus, but I didn't say it was human courtesy.:))

Posted by: Alan Kellogg at May 10, 2004 at 05:45 AM

Alan Kellogg — re: your last, don't write it off until you've visited San Francisco.

And I talk to my cats. It worked fine, until they started telling me to kill all the sinners. Now they won't leave me alone... help me...

Posted by: Richard McEnroe at May 10, 2004 at 06:20 AM

I talk to my cat. But all she says in return is "refill my food dish, bitch." What am I doing wrong? Maybe Harry's coworker can fill me in.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at May 10, 2004 at 07:29 AM

We've got all sorts of those people around here. I generaly use the term "DPPs" to refer to them (short for "Disturbing Pet People.") Mostly ex-hippie types who sold out and turned yuppie, you can tell the DPPs as being the ones with at least three dogs and/or cats and no children. Instead, to these people their dogs and cats are their children, and they spoil them accordingly. And the result usually ends up being mildly psychotic cats and dogs (mor so than usual, at least.) They always refer to their pets as "their babies" or "their children", and use the term "Pet parents" to describe their role (I actually heard the term used on a Petsmart commercial, and briefly considered locating whoever wrote the ad copy and strangling them with a puppy slobber-soaked chew toy.) To these people, the thought of having actual children is something that is dismissed offhand, even scorned (I imagine involvement in environmentalist causes probably has something to do with this.) There aren't a whole lot of them out there, but I've seen a couple in our neighborhood here.

Posted by: Vexorg at May 10, 2004 at 09:58 AM

I talk to my cat......
I argue with my cat.......
I keep losing the arguments......
HELP !! ..........

Posted by: galen at May 10, 2004 at 10:11 AM

“Is that the time? TAXI!”

Thats what I say to whinging University students.

Posted by: Jonny at May 10, 2004 at 10:34 AM

My fiance and I can't have children, so we pamper our kitties. And yes, they are, in fact, mildly psychotic. But that's what makes them SO CUUUUUUUTE!

And if anyone messed with my cats I would probably respond with a rusty chainsaw. Gas powered. I ain't no freakin' hippie.

Posted by: Sortelli at May 10, 2004 at 10:40 AM

My cats are my babies: precious ever-infants who never get too old for snuggling. However, without question, horses are the best listeners and comforters --particularly for young teenaged girls.

Posted by: elizabeth at May 10, 2004 at 10:52 AM

MWA ha ha ha! Pet lovers are everywhere! There is no escape!

Posted by: Sortelli at May 10, 2004 at 11:19 AM

If you want to start dissing animal owners - pet-conversationalists or not - take a reality check, get yourself down to the local mall and take a look at the trailer trash mothers belting their horrible urchin children - drug addicts and petty criminals in training - around the head.


(Here boy, come and have a treat. How's your day been? Let's go for a walk.)

Oh and by the way, that's nothing. My mother talks to her monstera.

Posted by: ilibcc at May 10, 2004 at 11:37 AM

I have a very vocal cat, and to my dismay I have begun talking back to him. When I let him in from the yard, he'll often come through the door meowing, yelping and mumbling excitedly, and I wonder what it is he's trying to tell me? Is it "I saw BIRDS! And a SQUIRREL! And it was WINDY!" or is it "Next time OPEN THE F____G DOOR as soon as I start MEOWING, A__HOLE!!"?

I have no idea. I just say reassuring words back to him and hope for the best.

Posted by: Fella at May 10, 2004 at 12:17 PM

Killer Fact! Napoleon was afraid of cats.

Posted by: Harry Hutton at May 10, 2004 at 12:52 PM

in a way, they are our babies. because they have no need to hunt or fear predators (excluding human predators), they remain as puppies or kittens all their lives. no need to grow up when a two-legger will bring home dinner. about the only time they act like a grown animal is when attacking an intruder..unless your pet is a dumb as my cat, who runs under the bed whenever someone knocks on the door.

Posted by: samkit at May 10, 2004 at 01:31 PM


That's different. There's scientific evidence (dubious that it may be) that talking to plants actually accomplishes something.

Posted by: Vexorg at May 10, 2004 at 01:40 PM

I acquired a cat exactly two weeks ago. I suppose my descent into degenerate cat blogging is now inevitable.

Posted by: EvilPundit at May 10, 2004 at 01:43 PM

EvilPundit — Don't let it see you reading this... you have to sleep sometime...

Posted by: Richard McEnroe at May 10, 2004 at 01:57 PM

I had a dog that used to talk to me. It got me into all sorts of funny scrapes and wacky slapstick situations. In the end I had to change my surname from Berkowitz to Gillies!

Posted by: David Gillies at May 10, 2004 at 02:10 PM

Kerrriste, Blair, what sort of monster have you unleashed here?

Posted by: slatts at May 10, 2004 at 02:15 PM

vexorg, you are right, you should see that monstera, it's like a jungle - talk about an appropriate name - AND my mother insists she rarely feeds it

Posted by: ilibcc at May 10, 2004 at 02:17 PM


Posted by: Sortelli at May 10, 2004 at 02:18 PM

Of course you realize, now that you have set them off with an article like that, the People with Entirely Too many CATS will hunt your tomb down, and bury their dearly departed felines with you.

got catnip?

Posted by: DJDrummond at May 11, 2004 at 04:14 AM

This is scary. I say that even though I have several cats. I talk to them all the time. The conversations are a bit one-sided, at least in terms of words. They usually go something like this:


"Shut Up You Stupid Cat! The Sun Isn't Up Yet! I'm Not Going To Feed You Until It Is!"

Cats are smart animals. They aren't going to get rid of my until the night after I bring home a can opener they can operate.

Posted by: Anonymous at May 11, 2004 at 12:27 PM

Killer Fact! Harry Hutton is afraid of directions on how to make a link using correct html, even when they are in RED so everyone can see them right there under "post a comment." So we will never be able to read the web page containing the Killer Fact! -- because Harry never learned to face his fear.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at May 11, 2004 at 02:31 PM