March 18, 2004

THE MCDOOM FILES

Reuters correspondent Opheera McDoom (seriously) reports:

A group claiming to have links with al Qaeda said on Wednesday it was calling a truce in its Spanish operations to see if the new Madrid government would withdraw its troops from Iraq, a pan-Arab newspaper said.

In a statement sent to the Arabic language daily al-Hayat, the Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades, which claimed responsibility for the Madrid bombings that killed 201 people, also urged its European units to stop all operations.

"Because of this decision, the leadership has decided to stop all operations within the Spanish territories ... until we know the intentions of the new government that has promised to withdraw Spanish troops from Iraq," the statement said.

As the commenters here note, a certain skepticism is called for regarding the Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades. John Kerry may be disappointed, however, that this bunch of “foreign leaders” don’t want him elected:

The statement said it supported President Bush in his reelection campaign, and would prefer him to win in November rather than the Democratic candidate John Kerry, as it was not possible to find a leader "more foolish than you (Bush), who deals with matters by force rather than with wisdom."

"Kerry will kill our nation while it sleeps because he and the Democrats have the cunning to embellish blasphemy and present it to the Arab and Muslim nation as civilization."

"Because of this we desire you (Bush) to be elected."

Posted by Tim Blair at March 18, 2004 12:10 PM
Comments

Let's grant them their wish shall we?

Posted by: Brian J. at March 18, 2004 at 12:18 PM

Are al-Qaieda responsible for Aznar announcing his resignation long before the election, and not actually running, or is this some more top-quality journalism regarding his defeat ?

Posted by: Andrew at March 18, 2004 at 12:34 PM

Kerry and the Democrats (sounds like a sixties pop group:) are cunning? Wow!

They are so cunning, they are cunningly keeping it under wraps, until after the election.

Posted by: rinardman at March 18, 2004 at 12:46 PM

A group claiming to have links with al Qaeda said on Wednesday it was calling a truce

Mmmmhmm, a 'truce' ? Just like Hamas and Fatah have called a truce in the past (and they continue to carry out small scale attacks, shootings and stabbings).

Some truce. The media should actually transliterate the Arabic word that terrorist groups use - 'hudna'.

'hudna', in its religious context, is not a truce, but a temporary ceasefire.

It comes from the Koran, where Mohammed had a hudna with the Qurayesh tribe (the Jews) until he was powerful enough to annihilate them.

Posted by: Jono at March 18, 2004 at 01:10 PM

That is so not her real name. She might as well have called herself "Lucretia McEvil."

Posted by: Andrea Harris at March 18, 2004 at 01:14 PM

Opheera McDoom??? Oh, come on now! April Fools is still two weeks away!

The statement said it supported President Bush in his reelection campaign, and would prefer him to win in November rather than the Democratic candidate John Kerry, as it was not possible to find a leader "more foolish than you (Bush), who deals with matters by force rather than with wisdom."

This has got to be a Scrappleface parody the wire services picked up.

Posted by: Spiny Norman at March 18, 2004 at 01:18 PM

I like it. It puts the issue squarely before the new government in the proper terms. "Surrender or die". Let the Spanish government announce their reply for all the world and future historians to hear.

Posted by: Mike at March 18, 2004 at 01:19 PM

Opheera McDoom
Writes from Khartoum!

Posted by: tim at March 18, 2004 at 01:28 PM

Vote for Bush, because we are sooo scared of Kerry! Oooohh. Yeah, if Kerry gets elected we are screwed. *giggle* Jeez, I hope nobody "finds this statement", they'll figure out the secret to defeating us utterly *tee hee*!

Posted by: al-Qaeda terrorist at March 18, 2004 at 01:35 PM

Fun as a dig at Kerry is, are you going to seriously address Dunlop's point?

Posted by: Andjam at March 18, 2004 at 01:37 PM

Its cunning Arab double-bluff - "we really want Kerry to be elected because we know he has no desire to really fight us, but those cunning Yankees are too clever for us. Lets tell everybody that we want Bush elected, and then they will run to do the opposite. Then the muezzin shall call from the White House ..."

Fiendishly clever - wonder it it can work for Latham ?

Posted by: Adrian at March 18, 2004 at 01:38 PM

I see the 'al-Qaeda terrorist' has already seen through this cunning plan ...

Posted by: Adrian at March 18, 2004 at 01:41 PM

I’m not so sure it’s so much reverse psychology as merely their way of saying to Bush, “you think you’re so big & bad, but we’re not scared of you, heck, we’re more scared of John Kerry than we are of you!” In other words, it’s a straightforward insult.

Posted by: ForNow at March 18, 2004 at 01:45 PM

Please, b'rer fox, don't throw me in that briar patch!

I drive steel fence posts into the ground with a silver colored tip on top that are brighter than these idiots!

Posted by: miked at March 18, 2004 at 01:46 PM

The best option would be to have iocaine powder in both glasses. (Especially since Iocaine powder is from Australia, and the US has signed a free trade agreement with Australia)

Posted by: Andjam at March 18, 2004 at 01:50 PM

Sounds like they're afraid that Kerry will "nuance" them to death.

Posted by: Sean M. at March 18, 2004 at 02:09 PM

Really. You can't make this stuff up. You just can't.

Posted by: Meryl Yourish at March 18, 2004 at 02:16 PM

Priceless.

Posted by: aaron at March 18, 2004 at 02:24 PM

all the sudden I'm all for appeasement.

Posted by: aaron at March 18, 2004 at 02:29 PM

Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine it from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you...But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Man in black: You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: [happily] Not remotely! Because Iocaine comes from Australia. As everyone knows, Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So, I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man in black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: Wait 'till I get going!! ...where was I?

Man in black: Australia.

[...]

Posted by: Ursus, err, no The Princess Bride at March 18, 2004 at 02:41 PM

Ahhh that old reverse psychology trick. Wonder if we will fall for it. Mind you it must really stick in the throat of the Spanish to know that the official stamp of approval for their government's actions has been given by murdering fascists. But dont worry the bombings will stop "for now" until you offend them next time. I never knew that appeasement was so easy.

Posted by: Rob at March 18, 2004 at 02:42 PM

Just an `ambit claim' : withdraw the troops to Spain and, then, yes, we will agree to give you a Mullah run thoecracy or else we'll bomb you into the ground anyway.
I don't believe this sort or scenario was envisaged when the Rules Hobson were drawn up.

Posted by: d at March 18, 2004 at 02:58 PM

Everyone pull out your card that says "Do not listen to al-Qaeda".

Posted by: dorkafork at March 18, 2004 at 03:44 PM

Don't...give me...the card.

Posted by: al-Qaeda terrorist at March 18, 2004 at 03:45 PM

Here you....OH NO YOU DON'T!

Posted by: dorkafork at March 18, 2004 at 03:46 PM

Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

A ha ha ha! A ha ha ha! A ha ha--*dead*

Posted by: Sortelli at March 18, 2004 at 04:01 PM

Well, I have a mate called B McMonnies and yes a wizz one the share market.

Posted by: Louis at March 18, 2004 at 04:09 PM

Im pretty sure they really want Nader

Posted by: Johnny at March 18, 2004 at 06:08 PM

The Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades are undoubtedly keen subscribers to Al-Jazeerah.

href="http://aljazeerah.info/News%20archives/2004%20News%20archives/Jan/31%20n/John%20Kerrys%20Jewish%20roots.htm">John Kerry's Jewish Roots

That's is why they prefer Bush over Kerry.

Muhammed Atef, aka "Abu Hafs al-Masri" was reportedly the recipient of some GPS-guided JDAM (joint direct attack munition) justice in a coalition airstrike outside Kabul in late 2001, so he's not really in much of a position to lead his eponymous "Brigade."

Posted by: 9C at March 18, 2004 at 07:36 PM

Let me get this straight, not only are we supposed to believe that they are so terrified of Kerry's "cunning" that they are convinced that he is going to be able to kill their nation while they sleep? but we are also to believe that they would tell the whole world specifically of their fears in a tape?

A question to our American friends, are your lefty moonbats as dopey as ours are over here? Whats the chance this is just some loonytoons thinking that they are going to get Kerry elected with this? because this it's definitely the sort of thing the less intelligent of our left would try.

Posted by: Michael at March 18, 2004 at 08:39 PM

Prime Minister Jose: I give you my word as a Spaniard that ETA was behind this.
Voters: No good. We've known too many Spaniards.

Posted by: Andjam at March 18, 2004 at 09:44 PM

McDoom = Moby?

Posted by: hen at March 18, 2004 at 10:49 PM

"A question to our American friends, are your lefty moonbats as dopey as ours are over here?"

Michael, we are the land of Chomsky, Moore, and any number of Hollywood deep-thinkers.

Ours are the dopiest, leftiest, moonbattiest creatures any nation can get.

Posted by: Carl in N.H. at March 18, 2004 at 10:58 PM

Don't they realize we're immune to their Jedi mind tricks?

Posted by: Robert Crawford at March 18, 2004 at 11:19 PM

Since there's a minimun intellect required to speak and walk and such, I imagine our lefties are about as dumb as yours. But I assure you ours are much angrier than yours.

Posted by: spongeworthy at March 18, 2004 at 11:25 PM

Hey ! I think it's great that you guys want to get on board supporting Pres. Bush ! We're going to have a little campaign get together, nothing fancy, sort of a come as you are deal. You guys are invited!! There's gonna be door prizes, free food and probably some whiskey/sexy WhooHoo!!! Just copy off this e-mail and give it the nice Marine guy at the tent entrance. It's gonna be fun!!! Bring all your friends! We validate camel parking and offer a shuttle ( Humvee) service for those who need it! There's also gonna be a drawing for a free Carribbean vacation !! Man, aren't we gonna have lotsa fun!!! Don't miss this opportunity to experience American election campaigning, and hospitality and did I mention the whiskey/sexy part. Ya'll come !!!

Posted by: Timothy lll at March 19, 2004 at 01:30 AM

"As the commenters here note, a certain skepticism is called for regarding the Abu Hafs al-Masri Brigades. "

Nonsense. These are bad dudes. They caused the great blackout in the US. Just ask them.

Posted by: Ken Summers at March 19, 2004 at 01:42 AM

I hear they also caused the San Simeon earthquake and kept the Cubs out of the World Series. I'm skeptical about the earthquake.

Posted by: Ken Summers at March 19, 2004 at 01:44 AM

The Lucretia McEvil thing cracked me up.

Posted by: Donnah at March 19, 2004 at 01:45 AM

Inconcievable.

Posted by: jack at March 19, 2004 at 02:02 AM

You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.

Posted by: Ursus at March 19, 2004 at 02:21 AM

McDoom? Think she's related to a certain doctor named Victor?

"Kiss me, or feel the agonizing touch of death from my Doombots; I'm Irish.

Posted by: David at March 19, 2004 at 06:13 AM

Smegma McDickhead?

Ophelia McTwat?

Marty McFly? (oh wait... scratch that one...)

BWAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Posted by: mojo at March 19, 2004 at 06:20 AM

"Ours are the dopiest, leftiest, moonbattiest creatures any nation can get."

I'll see your chomsky and moore and raise you a Pilger, Adams and Kingston.
:)

Posted by: Michael at March 19, 2004 at 08:35 AM

"Ours are the dopiest, leftiest, moonbattiest creatures any nation can get."

I'll see your chomsky and moore and raise you a Pilger, Adams and Kingston.

This is a game where everyone loses!

Posted by: Sortelli at March 19, 2004 at 08:53 AM

actually, while this forum is not the one of alternative opinion, if you stop and think about it from the arab perspective, while Bush & Co. have invaded a couple of muslim countries etc..in the spirit of "freedom and democracy" they are pretty well transparent in their actions. They dislike ferreners, and whatever they do it's for the money. On the other hand , the Democrats speak of how civilised/humane they are but in fact cause more grief. (Clinton and his embargo of Iraq for instance) In fundamentalist terms, Bush & Co. will stone you to death if you piss them off, Kerry will as well, but being "humane" will use small stones...

Posted by: carlos at March 19, 2004 at 10:09 AM

Wot's "ferreners," precious, eh?

PS: yeah, the stonings are the best part of being under the Bush Junta™.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at March 19, 2004 at 01:09 PM

Ah. carlos, ol' buddy, Clinton didn't "embargo" Iraq. The UN sanctioned them for not living up to the ceasefire. But don't let facts and reality get in the way of your fantasies, or fear and common sense stop you from justifying the enemy.

Posted by: Deborah at March 19, 2004 at 03:25 PM

Deborah dearest,
I think you should agree that whatever the UN is for or against is irelevant to the course the US takes. The facts are the US does what it wants - with the UN or without it.

Posted by: carlos at March 19, 2004 at 04:10 PM

Who are the idiots thinking this is for real?

Oi FEAR Ma Doom?

C'mon folks; get real.

Nxt you'll join the 60% who think Saddam bombed NY.
Americans are Sooooo gullible.

Posted by: Mike at March 20, 2004 at 02:37 AM

John Kerry is a moral pygmy.

He exploited the Vietnam war dead to get into politics. Now he's exploiting the lowest element of human spirit - irrational fear, flight from reality, class warfare - to do the same.

Posted by: Joe at March 22, 2004 at 07:24 AM

If the democrats REALLY want to win an election, they should try to tell us how they can passivate terror MORE quickly - or BETTER or SOMETHING.

NOT pretend that it doesn't exist, but if it does, that it's OUR own fault...

Posted by: Joe at March 22, 2004 at 07:26 AM