December 18, 2003
SO THIS IS HISSMASS
A reader letter to Joanne Jacobs, from small-town Texas:
My kindergarten daughter was informed that in the song "We Wish You a Merry Christmas," her class was to sing: "We Wish You a Merry Hissmas." This prompted her young mind to ask me what holiday Hissmas was, among other questions.
Some kind of serpent festival? International Cindy Brady Lisp Day? Joanne continues:
The mother told her daughter to tell the teacher that the family celebrates Christmas, not Hissmass. The teacher told the girl she could sing "Christmas," but to sing quietly.
Remember when Tipper Gore used to complain about Satan in popular music?
UPDATE. Dave’s wife writes: "If one can have Hissmass and Spanksgiving Day, can one also celebrate Kiester?'
Posted by Tim Blair at December 18, 2003 03:22 AMMy 5 year old daughter came home last week saying she wanted to celebrate "harmonica". We assumed that she had made up her own holiday, as kids with big imaginations sometimes do. We asked her for the details of this new holiday called "harmonica", so she tells us
"its great! you get a present every day for 7 days". We then make the connection - shes didnt make up a holiday, shes talking about "chanukah". Shes managed to both mispronouce and misunderstand a great religious tradition in the cutest possible way.
However we have adopted the malaprop and now greet each other around the house with shouts of "happy harmonica!".
Posted by: Frank Martin at December 18, 2003 at 04:05 AMIn Springfield the Simpsons call Hissmass 'Whacking Day'. The day that embiggens the spirit.
Oh, and happy Harmonica Convergence to our New Age friends.
Posted by: Carl H. at December 18, 2003 at 04:27 AMAt my son's "Holiday Pageant" last year, we learned that the Maccabees survived by a miraculous preservation of oil over 7 days, that Kwanzaa celebrates 7 allegedly pronounceable "unities", and that without Santa's help the Post Office would have a dickens of a time every year keeping up with the gift-giving volume.
Hallelujah.
Posted by: Bovious at December 18, 2003 at 04:39 AMDoes anyone actually celebrate Kwanzaa? I've never done it - wouldn't even know how to start - nor do I know anyone else who does.
What is it?
Where did it originate?
Although Kwanzaa was started by a commie cracka-hatah in the early mid '60's, with the stated purpose of distracting African-Americans from observation of whitey's Christmas, it is now a harmless and enthusiastically-observed African-American unity observance. More power to 'em, I say, whether they know of the crimes of its founder or not. I know several people who have observed it in the past. No idea if they're still doing it.
Posted by: Bovious at December 18, 2003 at 05:30 AMKwanzaa was invented in the '60s by a black radical named Ron Karenga. It's allegedly based on African harvest rituals but owes a lot to Harmonica and Hissmass: Candles, multiple days of gift giving, family get-togethers . . . There's a theme for each day based on '60s African socialism. Some blacks celebrate Kwanzaa in addition to Christmas; others reject it for being bogus or unChristian. Nobody celebrates Kwanzaa exclusively. As Bovious says, it's benign.
Posted by: Joanne Jacobs at December 18, 2003 at 05:52 AMI like Kwanzaa because I can download all kinds of holiday porn with it.
Myself, I plan a glorious Festivus. celebration in just 7 days!!
Posted by: Steve in Houston at December 18, 2003 at 06:13 AMRe: Tipper Gore -- You can't spell Satan without Santa...
Posted by: Jerry at December 18, 2003 at 06:22 AMHAPPY FESTIVUS to you, Steve in Houston! I, too, am anxiously looking forward to celebrating this special time of year.
Posted by: Polly at December 18, 2003 at 06:39 AMFESTIVUS - ahh, I think back fondly to when my family would sit around the table and celbrate the "Airing of Grevances."
Good times...good times.
Posted by: LB at December 18, 2003 at 07:19 AMIt's about time that Alger Hiss got the recognition he deserves! He was a true patriot and loyal Democrat. I am certainly more thankful to him than to Jesus.
Christians be damned! They are soooo hateful and intolerant!
Posted by: DemFem at December 18, 2003 at 07:52 AMDid I see Harmonic Convergence? Everybody knows the harmonic series diverges.
Posted by: Eric Jablow at December 18, 2003 at 08:20 AMWe wish you a meretricious Christmas,
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
And an expensive New Year.
Good savings we bring
To our store on King:
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
And an expensive New Year!
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
We wish you a meretricious Christmas,
And an expensive New Year.
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Satan Claws is coming to town.
He knows when you've been sleeping,
He knows when you're awake,
He knows if you've been bad or good,
So be good, for goodness sake!
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Satan Claws is coming to town.
He'll tear your freaking heart out,
When you're lying in your bed,
And you know, there's no use crying,
'Cos when Mum comes you'll be dead, so
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Satan Claws is coming to town.
Be careful not to dream too much,
'Cos he'll grab you by the neck
Before you can even scream (too much)
And throw you to the deck! So,
You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Satan Claws is coming to town.
Ok, that's enough out of me, I like Christmas, I really do, and if I make up any more cynical Xmas carols then I'll never forgive myself.
Posted by: TimT at December 18, 2003 at 09:22 AMHave you seen the ABC promos? They feature a pack of assorted ethnic urchins dancing about saying "Happy Holidays". Looks like the national broadcaster is a Christ-free zone as well.
Posted by: Habib at December 18, 2003 at 10:12 AM"Hissmass" sounds like a Catholic service to mark the day St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland...
Posted by: John at December 18, 2003 at 11:01 AM``Festivus'' sounds like something that ought to be held in the summer; that way you'd have an estival festival. Ozzies and Kiwis, take note :)
Posted by: Annalucia at December 18, 2003 at 12:15 PMI'm fresh back from the psychic battlefield of the Christmas tree removed from school.
A professor complained and the tree was felled. She claims her motivation was the interest of students of other faiths who might have their feelings hurt because their religions knic knacs were no on display.
SO in the spirit of non hurt feelings Christmas was erased from the indiana school of law's atrium.
You would think in a School of lawyers there would be one intrepid soul, brave enough to point out that there isn't a law against Christmas Trees in School settings.
I ask you. What could be more useless then a lawyer that can't make an arguement to save Christmas?
Brisbane is actually has a "marketing initiative" called Festivus over this Christmas. I am not kidding, look it up.
I beleive the aluminium pole will be set up in front of the town hall to be followed by the feats of strength. Extra points to whoever makes Peter Beattie cry.
Posted by: Dave at December 18, 2003 at 01:42 PMGod rest ye merry merchantmen
May Yuletide season paaay...
Crank:
I prefer the Lileks term, Confounders, who exist to contrude with our everyday lives.
Posted by: Big Dog at December 18, 2003 at 06:03 PMDang. If only school personnel had been as concerned with students' feelings about all things when I was in grammar school. Just think of the things I could have gotten away with.
Posted by: Andrea Harris at December 18, 2003 at 08:36 PMI beleive the aluminium pole will be set up in front of the town hall to be followed by the feats of strength. Extra points to whoever makes Peter Beattie cry.
We all know that maypoles, spires and the like are phallic symbols.
Why hasn't the local lesbian collective complained about this phalocratic conspiracy?
What about blokes who can no longer rise to the occasion?
Their feelings might be hurt at seeing a priapatic erection!
Oops, srub the last bit! Who'd give a stuff about men's feelings - even if they had any!
Posted by: Peggy Sue at December 19, 2003 at 07:59 AM"Hissmas"...
Since Harry Potter is revealed in the second book to be a parselmouth (one who speaks the language of snakes), maybe Hissmas is a celebration of the very successful Harry Potter series of books.
Posted by: Karl Lembke at December 19, 2003 at 08:31 AM"Why hasn't the local lesbian collective complained about this phalocratic conspiracy?" - Peggy Sue.
Peggy Sue, who has more use for a fake phalus than a lesbian?
Posted by: Jake D at December 19, 2003 at 09:28 AM