August 14, 2003

VICTORIALLAH 2

Yesterdayís Herald Sun item about a Muslim campaign for male-only swimming hours at a Victorian council pool includes the following:

Brooke LeSueur, the council's co-ordinator of leisure facilities development, said the push for women-free swimming came from a local Islamic men's group but the night sessions will be open to all men.

Not according to Ask an Imam! they wonít:

It is not permissible for males to go to a males only swimming pool if some men to not cover their Satar - the area between the navel and knee.

It is compulsory for males to cover the area between the navel and knees and it is a sin for anyone to look at another personís Satar.

No navel-gazing? Thatís a guaranteed fatwa on you, Phillip Adams! Islam for Kids has the same advice:

Men must cover their bodies between the waist and knees, even when swimming or showering.

So weíve potentially got a situation here where women are banned and even non-Muslim men might be required to wear some kind of crazy water-burqas. Progressive councils are returning us to Edwardian times.

Posted by Tim Blair at August 14, 2003 03:36 AM
Comments

I love the imam so much I wrote a song about him. And no, I could not resist the temptation to link-whore on this.

Posted by: ilyka at August 14, 2003 at 03:42 AM

Wait a minute--even when swimming or showering?

Posted by: ilyka at August 14, 2003 at 03:45 AM

What if "lil John" hangs below my knee? Do I still have to cover it? (Unfortunately, this is a hypothetical question).

Posted by: JohnO at August 14, 2003 at 04:15 AM

Actually, I'm with the Imam on this one. I pretty much think all guys should cover their damn satars when they go to the beach.

Posted by: E.A. at August 14, 2003 at 05:23 AM

I got news for these Imams. Women think men's chests are far more enticing than their friggin' KNEES.

Proof that Islam was invented by (human)men. Surely Allah would know better what women find sexy.

Posted by: Irene A at August 14, 2003 at 05:29 AM
Actually, I'm with the Imam on this one. I pretty much think all guys should cover their damn satars when they go to the beach.

And some men and women really should cover more than their Satars... Some people are just born to the burqua.

Then there is this one from today's Day By Day (for 13 Aug).

Posted by: Kev at August 14, 2003 at 05:32 AM

We know those muslim men have 'pearly boy" tendencies, so in order to avoid arousing the muslim men, pleas, cover your satar.

Posted by: Hugh wyatt at August 14, 2003 at 06:21 AM

Moonee Valley. Appropriate name, I suppose. Bummer about yours, Ms LeSeuer.

Posted by: BH at August 14, 2003 at 07:56 AM

Why don't these bastards catch a leaky boat to some hellhole where Sharia law is the norm and apply for asylum?
If Oz laws and customs don't suit,there are plenty of countries where this sort of idiocy is the norm.

Posted by: Keith at August 14, 2003 at 08:56 AM

I bought a new satar obscuration outfit and I'm ready for the swim party!

Posted by: Cracker Barrel Philosopher at August 14, 2003 at 09:28 AM

Not really Tim, it's the muslim men who are banned from hanging around other guys who have their satars hanging out (according to everyone's favourite Imam).
Potentially, the guys could get their exemption only to be held back by all the non-satar-hiding blokes getting around in dick-togs. There's a certain ironic equality in that.
The whole satar hiding business sounds like an excuse to high-pant and hide the ol' pot belly.

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 10:00 AM

If they have to cover their satars, even in the shower, how on earth do they comply with Imam's fatwas on shaving (see, for example, answer 7500)?

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best...really...he does...

Posted by: Confused at August 14, 2003 at 10:09 AM

What if your tackle hangs down below your knees?

Posted by: Alex Hidell at August 14, 2003 at 10:12 AM

How they can get out of bed without sinning is a mystery to me. I probably commit at least three when I open my eyes.

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 10:21 AM

What about nipple clamps? I don't go anywhere without my nipple clamps.

Posted by: Big John at August 14, 2003 at 10:56 AM

If coverage is an issue then they'd have to be in favour of a full-body leather gimp suit right? With leather mask and dog collar?

Posted by: Dog Boy at August 14, 2003 at 11:28 AM

Didn't George Harrison look at Ravi Shankar's satar?

Posted by: Stefan Sharkansky at August 14, 2003 at 11:33 AM

Do you also have to cover up from navel to knee when having a a shit? No way am I opening a dry cleaners in Lakemba.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 14, 2003 at 11:36 AM

Is that why those Moslem guys in the change room at the Auburn swimming pool were checking me out in my g-string ? And I thought those were admiring glances!

Posted by: Fred at August 14, 2003 at 12:25 PM

It is also here decreed. Men of faith must wear black socks with oxford shoes while at the beach.

The Imam

Posted by: wallace at August 14, 2003 at 12:34 PM

???????????What's the point Niall??????????????

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 01:09 PM

"...some kind of crazy water-burqas...."

that's 'aqua-burqa' tim

and niall's post is just too bizarre

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at August 14, 2003 at 01:15 PM

What's the Imam got to say about trannies? They have a satar, and tits; do they have to wear a burqa from head to waist, then tuck their plonker into some bike pants? I forsee a particularly testing fatwa on this one.
(Or perhaps they can be filed as an abomination before Allah, and rightfully stoned, saving any question of suitable swimwear).

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 14, 2003 at 01:20 PM

Niall

Too much information that we didn't really need to know. This is not a porn site.

Posted by: Rob (No 1) at August 14, 2003 at 02:07 PM

Porn? More like Mills and Boon. I was crying by the end.

Posted by: pooh at August 14, 2003 at 02:18 PM

You are right, Pooh, more corn than porn. Niall will probably qualify for a young writer's grant from the Australia Council. Strengthen the Islam connection and a multicultural grant as well.

Posted by: Rob (No 1) at August 14, 2003 at 02:42 PM

Interesting stuff. I'm an expat in Paris, and some of my co-workers (male) weren't allowed in a local water park because they weren't wearing Speedos. They suspected this was a lame excuse to ban poor kids who didn't own Ä30 swimwear; now I wonder if the Satar ban has more to do with it. Kind of like a rule insisting that hats may not be worn to keep out Orthodox Jews.

Posted by: John Nowak at August 14, 2003 at 03:31 PM

There once was a man from Qatar
Went swimming with uncovered satar
Imam say "You fool!
Get out of the pool,
Bare satar - mad allah make fatwa."

Posted by: pooh at August 14, 2003 at 03:49 PM

Nice work Pooh!

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 04:48 PM

There was a young man from Lakemba
Who tried hard to cover his member
But in taking a dip,
His dhoti did slip --
More fuss than 11 September!

Posted by: superboot at August 14, 2003 at 04:50 PM

Hey Niall's comment has been removed.

That's a first.

Posted by: dough at August 14, 2003 at 05:07 PM

Fatwa 7700:

It is not permissible to read any immoral book to anyone, including the wife.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Niall's post was Haraam.

Posted by: Imam at August 14, 2003 at 05:15 PM

Said two young men from Damascus:
"How funny that you should ask us,
But we curtain our loins
'Cause balls, dicks and groins
Get the Imam all hot for an ass kiss"

Posted by: superboot at August 14, 2003 at 05:24 PM

What a shame Niall's post has been disappeared. One of the funniest things I've ever read on this site. Not really SFW, though.

Posted by: Prick at August 14, 2003 at 05:40 PM

We really need Tim to start a limeric contest.

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 05:44 PM

There was an Imam from Iran
Who lived but for his Koran
When visiting the pool
He saw some guy's tool
And decided "that's not haraam!"

Posted by: Imam at August 14, 2003 at 05:44 PM

Tim is an angry blog-god where Niall's post was concerned. He smites without mercy. Hang on, he's not moonlighting as Allah is he?

Posted by: Jake D at August 14, 2003 at 05:57 PM

imam-san in spring
say before you plunge in pool
please dress to impress

Posted by: haiku for dummies at August 14, 2003 at 06:05 PM

Only sons of monkeys and mutts
Would think to bare the putz
When garments so handy
Can safeguard the gland-y
From the gaze of haraam Aussie sluts

Posted by: superboot at August 14, 2003 at 06:06 PM

There's better poetry here than most Eng. Lit. courses.

Posted by: ilibcc at August 14, 2003 at 06:33 PM

Incidentally, ilibc, why is your email address the same as pooh's? Is this an hommage? Or possibly a *Sybil* type-deal?

Not that I mean anything by it.

Posted by: Prick at August 14, 2003 at 06:37 PM

The Imam made a bad decision
to swim starkers against the tradition
Cos when he got out
Other Muslims did shout
"It's shrunk beyond all recognition!"

Posted by: Bob Postlethwaite-Humphrey-Jones at August 14, 2003 at 06:43 PM

Prick

It's just that sometimes Pooh takes over and makes very silly comments so I make him sign it under his own name.

Incidentally, he himself takes occasional pseudonyms to fit the post. He's sneaky like that.

Posted by: ilibcc at August 14, 2003 at 06:51 PM

Following on from my most recent post:

Our friend the Imam from Iran,
Who decided that dicks weren't haraam
Issued a fatwa
Shouted "Allah Akbah"
And grabbed the guy's tool with both hands.

Posted by: Imam at August 14, 2003 at 06:53 PM

Very reasonable explanation, Sybil. Of course I would never pseudonimise. Or use such an ugly verb.

Posted by: Prick at August 14, 2003 at 06:58 PM

There was an Imam named Bin Laden,
Who found that his chopper would harden,
If he fondled his tool,
Watching boys in the pool,
While their satars he was supposed to be guardin'

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 14, 2003 at 07:10 PM

wear some kind of crazy water-burqas

Pakistani women once were not permitted to compete in swimming for that reason, but the introduction of the swimsuit meant that they can now do it.

Posted by: Andjam at August 14, 2003 at 08:55 PM

If these Muslim men are so keen on swimming why don't they build their own pool? This is just rediculous but so typical of so-called "progressive" councils.

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at August 15, 2003 at 02:27 AM

"Start" a limeric contest. Seems that it is well started already. Keep going, they're great, I'm collecting them (don't have the imagination to actually come up with one).

Posted by: rabidfox at August 15, 2003 at 02:31 AM

There once was a man from Qatar,
Who looked like an ape from afar
Due to hair on his ass
He gave swimwear a pass
His hirsuteness - it hid his satar.

Posted by: E.A. at August 15, 2003 at 06:15 AM

Hey Imam

Exactly where in the Al Quran does Allah provide instruction re covering the satar?

Posted by: John Wey at August 15, 2003 at 07:49 AM

And this religion has how many followers?

I will say one thing though, until you have seen some pasty, hefty European men lounging on a Florida beach, it's hard to be judgmental about bathing suit rules.

Some things just aren't RIGHT!

Posted by: Dawn at August 15, 2003 at 10:21 AM

A Mullah who never was urban,
And frowned on whisky and bourbon,
Found that he cracked a bar,
With a glimpse of satar,
And covered his dick with his turban.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 15, 2003 at 11:46 AM

"Men of faith must wear black socks with oxford shoes while at the beach."

It is permissible in temperatures above 40c to roll the socks down to within 2cm of the Fibula.

Posted by: The at August 15, 2003 at 12:08 PM

I thought it was the Poms who wore socks and brogues on the beach - with walkshorts and a longsleeved shirt with a rumpled check hanky in the top pocket, thick glasses with sunglass clip-ons, a floppy hat over a florid, sweating face and lots of exposed white flesh.

Open the teaflask and break out the sandwiches Major. And pass me that deckchair while I put up the brolly. Man could suffer a stroke out here. Not going near the water though. Not bloody likely. Full of sharks.

Posted by: pooh at August 15, 2003 at 12:30 PM

Black wing-tipped shoes
Black socks that go half-way up shin
Checked shorts that alomost reach the knees
Ugly-as-hell Hawaiian aloha shirt
Floppy cloth hat

In the U.S. that's known as the "Full Brooklyn"

Posted by: David Crawford at August 15, 2003 at 12:43 PM

These limericks are Halal!

Here's what Ask-Imam.com has to say about writing poetry:

"If the poetry is within the parameters of Shariah then it will be permissible, for example, it encompasses the oneness of Allah, His praises,
encouragement to obey Him, words of wisdom, and advices or praises of Nabi alaihis salaam, mentioning of his miracles so that the love in ones heart increases for him and the inclination of the heart increases toadopt his life style etc. All types of permissable poetry are commendable as long as it does not pre-occupy a person to the extent that all his time is spent in compiling poems and there is no time for recitation of the Holy Quraan and to educate himself on other deeni matters which are more important. (Roohul Ma'aani vol.10 pg. 220 & 226, Surah Ash-shu'araa, verse 219-227) "

"Seeing blokes' satars
makes Mullah's pecker get fatter"

And don't forget, Allah knows best!

Posted by: Imam at August 15, 2003 at 01:16 PM

Shake-a-Shariah's Halal Sonnet # 18

Shall I compare thee to an imamís beard?
Thou art more black and more hairy:
Rough winds do shake the moonee valley bay,
And the swimming pool lease hath all too short a date,
Sometime too hot the eye of allah shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And thoí he tires of enforcing man-made laws,
Thereís one that will remain until the thaw
Of evíry icy mountain in mahomedís realm.
And so thy poolside summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of it to women unclean
Nor shall non-muslim men wander in its shade,
When in eternal lanes youíll swim up and down,
So long as men can breathe underwater, or eyes can see,
Youíll remain bedecked in your satar navel-to-knee.

Posted by: pooh at August 15, 2003 at 01:23 PM

A poetic Fatwa:

'Tis against the laws of Islam
To bear one's satar to a man
'Cause an eyeful of groin
Or a man's shaven loins
give pleasure to horny Imams

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Posted by: Imam at August 15, 2003 at 01:38 PM

Two corrections to my last fatwa:

It should be "bare" not "bear" and "gives" not "give".

It's not my fault. The infidels made me do it.

Posted by: Imam at August 15, 2003 at 01:46 PM

Imam, you can't blame the infidels. If they had any influence, they would have made you spell fatwa fat twat.

Posted by: pooh at August 15, 2003 at 02:03 PM

An Imam who came from Bankstown
Was caught in the pool with his pants down,
He admitted: "it's true,
and my pecker turned blue,
but it's OK now that its gone down".

Posted by: Fred at August 15, 2003 at 03:59 PM

An Imam from out by Lakemba,
The Koran he tried to remember,
But his attention was distracted,
To boys bums he was attracted,
And he whacked off from now 'til December.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 15, 2003 at 04:43 PM

An Imam from far-flung Arabia
Went for a swim in Australia
He saw a man's bum
thought "this is such fun!"
"I guess I'll just have to stay here!"

In the warm summer month of December
Good Muslims must always remember
That bearded Imams
Grope with their hands
If they see an uncovered male member.

Posted by: Imam at August 15, 2003 at 04:57 PM

A Mullah believed theocratic,
Really had bats in his attic,
He could wait no longer,
And pulled out his donger,
'Cos to wave it made him ecstatic .

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 15, 2003 at 05:48 PM

There was an old man from Iraq,
who spied in the pool, a man's crack,
He whacked good and strong,
all along his big dong,
from Lakemba to Auburn and back.

Posted by: Rob (No 1) at August 15, 2003 at 06:51 PM

A pretty young girl called Rebekah
took her brother to swim in Mecca,
but the Imam said "no;
"aint no place for a ho,
but your brother can polish my pecker".

Posted by: Max at August 15, 2003 at 08:32 PM

A jihadi who hated things 'Merkin'
Was fixated on any bare 'gherkin'
Studs on vacation
He'd curse with damnation
Coz the sight of bare flesh set him jerkin'

Posted by: The Sanity Inspector at August 18, 2003 at 06:30 AM

A mullah was too, too annoyed
By the midriffs he couldn't avoid
The urges primeval
They sparked were deemed evil
So his worldview is straight out of Freud

A mullah in sermons bombastic
Would damn any clothes not monastic
The sight of bare thighs
Was morally unwise
His fatwas then struck us as drastic

Posted by: The Sanity Inspector at August 18, 2003 at 07:02 AM

A muzz in the pool let a gasser
That bubbled the neighboring wasser.
When asked, "Did you fart?"
He covered his sart
Gave a big, crooked grin and said, "Yassir!"


Posted by: Jimbo at August 18, 2003 at 11:21 AM

To satisfy spiritual itches
By setting the length of men's britches
Must surely be seen
As intellectually obscene
So mullahs are stuck in their niches

Mullahs on matters anatomical
Must seem to the West very comical
But they'll press on until
A fundamentalist chill
Makes resisting their rule astronomical

Posted by: The Sanity Inspector at August 18, 2003 at 01:25 PM

An Imam on leave sabbatical,
Was, in the pool, damned fanatical,
He never made passes
At Moslem boys' arses,
And denounced naked flesh as heretical.

Posted by: Rob (No.1) at August 18, 2003 at 07:49 PM

A Hartford imam had no etiquette
But his threats of jihad had no predicate
For muslims' protests
By Dems unaddressed
Ensure that he's safe there in Connecticut

Posted by: The Sanity inspector at August 19, 2003 at 05:44 AM