Tim Blair

I love the imam so much I wrote a song about him. And no, I could not resist the temptation to link-whore on this.

Wait a minute--even when swimming or showering?

What if "lil John" hangs below my knee? Do I still have to cover it? (Unfortunately, this is a hypothetical question).

Actually, I'm with the Imam on this one. I pretty much think all guys should cover their damn satars when they go to the beach.

I got news for these Imams. Women think men's chests are far more enticing than their friggin' KNEES.

Proof that Islam was invented by (human)men. Surely Allah would know better what women find sexy.

Actually, I'm with the Imam on this one. I pretty much think all guys should cover their damn satars when they go to the beach.

And some men and women really should cover more than their Satars... Some people are just born to the burqua.

Then there is this one from today's Day By Day (for 13 Aug).

We know those muslim men have 'pearly boy" tendencies, so in order to avoid arousing the muslim men, pleas, cover your satar.

Moonee Valley. Appropriate name, I suppose. Bummer about yours, Ms LeSeuer.

Why don't these bastards catch a leaky boat to some hellhole where Sharia law is the norm and apply for asylum?
If Oz laws and customs don't suit,there are plenty of countries where this sort of idiocy is the norm.

I bought a new satar obscuration outfit and I'm ready for the swim party!

Not really Tim, it's the muslim men who are banned from hanging around other guys who have their satars hanging out (according to everyone's favourite Imam).
Potentially, the guys could get their exemption only to be held back by all the non-satar-hiding blokes getting around in dick-togs. There's a certain ironic equality in that.
The whole satar hiding business sounds like an excuse to high-pant and hide the ol' pot belly.

If they have to cover their satars, even in the shower, how on earth do they comply with Imam's fatwas on shaving (see, for example, answer 7500)?

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best...really...he does...

What if your tackle hangs down below your knees?

How they can get out of bed without sinning is a mystery to me. I probably commit at least three when I open my eyes.

What about nipple clamps? I don't go anywhere without my nipple clamps.

If coverage is an issue then they'd have to be in favour of a full-body leather gimp suit right? With leather mask and dog collar?

Didn't George Harrison look at Ravi Shankar's satar?

Do you also have to cover up from navel to knee when having a a shit? No way am I opening a dry cleaners in Lakemba.

Is that why those Moslem guys in the change room at the Auburn swimming pool were checking me out in my g-string ? And I thought those were admiring glances!

It is also here decreed. Men of faith must wear black socks with oxford shoes while at the beach.

The Imam

???????????What's the point Niall??????????????

"...some kind of crazy water-burqas...."

that's 'aqua-burqa' tim

and niall's post is just too bizarre

What's the Imam got to say about trannies? They have a satar, and tits; do they have to wear a burqa from head to waist, then tuck their plonker into some bike pants? I forsee a particularly testing fatwa on this one.
(Or perhaps they can be filed as an abomination before Allah, and rightfully stoned, saving any question of suitable swimwear).

Niall

Too much information that we didn't really need to know. This is not a porn site.

Porn? More like Mills and Boon. I was crying by the end.

You are right, Pooh, more corn than porn. Niall will probably qualify for a young writer's grant from the Australia Council. Strengthen the Islam connection and a multicultural grant as well.

Interesting stuff. I'm an expat in Paris, and some of my co-workers (male) weren't allowed in a local water park because they weren't wearing Speedos. They suspected this was a lame excuse to ban poor kids who didn't own €30 swimwear; now I wonder if the Satar ban has more to do with it. Kind of like a rule insisting that hats may not be worn to keep out Orthodox Jews.

There once was a man from Qatar
Went swimming with uncovered satar
Imam say "You fool!
Get out of the pool,
Bare satar - mad allah make fatwa."

Nice work Pooh!

There was a young man from Lakemba
Who tried hard to cover his member
But in taking a dip,
His dhoti did slip --
More fuss than 11 September!

Hey Niall's comment has been removed.

That's a first.

Fatwa 7700:

It is not permissible to read any immoral book to anyone, including the wife.

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Niall's post was Haraam.

Said two young men from Damascus:
"How funny that you should ask us,
But we curtain our loins
'Cause balls, dicks and groins
Get the Imam all hot for an ass kiss"

What a shame Niall's post has been disappeared. One of the funniest things I've ever read on this site. Not really SFW, though.

We really need Tim to start a limeric contest.

There was an Imam from Iran
Who lived but for his Koran
When visiting the pool
He saw some guy's tool
And decided "that's not haraam!"

Tim is an angry blog-god where Niall's post was concerned. He smites without mercy. Hang on, he's not moonlighting as Allah is he?

imam-san in spring
say before you plunge in pool
please dress to impress

Only sons of monkeys and mutts
Would think to bare the putz
When garments so handy
Can safeguard the gland-y
From the gaze of haraam Aussie sluts

There's better poetry here than most Eng. Lit. courses.

Incidentally, ilibc, why is your email address the same as pooh's? Is this an hommage? Or possibly a *Sybil* type-deal?

Not that I mean anything by it.

The Imam made a bad decision
to swim starkers against the tradition
Cos when he got out
Other Muslims did shout
"It's shrunk beyond all recognition!"

Prick

It's just that sometimes Pooh takes over and makes very silly comments so I make him sign it under his own name.

Incidentally, he himself takes occasional pseudonyms to fit the post. He's sneaky like that.

Following on from my most recent post:

Our friend the Imam from Iran,
Who decided that dicks weren't haraam
Issued a fatwa
Shouted "Allah Akbah"
And grabbed the guy's tool with both hands.

Very reasonable explanation, Sybil. Of course I would never pseudonimise. Or use such an ugly verb.

There was an Imam named Bin Laden,
Who found that his chopper would harden,
If he fondled his tool,
Watching boys in the pool,
While their satars he was supposed to be guardin'

wear some kind of crazy water-burqas

Pakistani women once were not permitted to compete in swimming for that reason, but the introduction of the swimsuit meant that they can now do it.

If these Muslim men are so keen on swimming why don't they build their own pool? This is just rediculous but so typical of so-called "progressive" councils.

"Start" a limeric contest. Seems that it is well started already. Keep going, they're great, I'm collecting them (don't have the imagination to actually come up with one).

There once was a man from Qatar,
Who looked like an ape from afar
Due to hair on his ass
He gave swimwear a pass
His hirsuteness - it hid his satar.

Hey Imam

Exactly where in the Al Quran does Allah provide instruction re covering the satar?

And this religion has how many followers?

I will say one thing though, until you have seen some pasty, hefty European men lounging on a Florida beach, it's hard to be judgmental about bathing suit rules.

Some things just aren't RIGHT!

A Mullah who never was urban,
And frowned on whisky and bourbon,
Found that he cracked a bar,
With a glimpse of satar,
And covered his dick with his turban.

"Men of faith must wear black socks with oxford shoes while at the beach."

It is permissible in temperatures above 40c to roll the socks down to within 2cm of the Fibula.

I thought it was the Poms who wore socks and brogues on the beach - with walkshorts and a longsleeved shirt with a rumpled check hanky in the top pocket, thick glasses with sunglass clip-ons, a floppy hat over a florid, sweating face and lots of exposed white flesh.

Open the teaflask and break out the sandwiches Major. And pass me that deckchair while I put up the brolly. Man could suffer a stroke out here. Not going near the water though. Not bloody likely. Full of sharks.

Black wing-tipped shoes
Black socks that go half-way up shin
Checked shorts that alomost reach the knees
Ugly-as-hell Hawaiian aloha shirt
Floppy cloth hat

In the U.S. that's known as the "Full Brooklyn"

These limericks are Halal!

Here's what Ask-Imam.com has to say about writing poetry:

"If the poetry is within the parameters of Shariah then it will be permissible, for example, it encompasses the oneness of Allah, His praises,
encouragement to obey Him, words of wisdom, and advices or praises of Nabi alaihis salaam, mentioning of his miracles so that the love in ones heart increases for him and the inclination of the heart increases toadopt his life style etc. All types of permissable poetry are commendable as long as it does not pre-occupy a person to the extent that all his time is spent in compiling poems and there is no time for recitation of the Holy Quraan and to educate himself on other deeni matters which are more important. (Roohul Ma'aani vol.10 pg. 220 & 226, Surah Ash-shu'araa, verse 219-227) "

"Seeing blokes' satars
makes Mullah's pecker get fatter"

And don't forget, Allah knows best!

Shake-a-Shariah's Halal Sonnet # 18

Shall I compare thee to an imam’s beard?
Thou art more black and more hairy:
Rough winds do shake the moonee valley bay,
And the swimming pool lease hath all too short a date,
Sometime too hot the eye of allah shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed,
And tho’ he tires of enforcing man-made laws,
There’s one that will remain until the thaw
Of ev’ry icy mountain in mahomed’s realm.
And so thy poolside summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of it to women unclean
Nor shall non-muslim men wander in its shade,
When in eternal lanes you’ll swim up and down,
So long as men can breathe underwater, or eyes can see,
You’ll remain bedecked in your satar navel-to-knee.

A poetic Fatwa:

'Tis against the laws of Islam
To bear one's satar to a man
'Cause an eyeful of groin
Or a man's shaven loins
give pleasure to horny Imams

and Allah Ta'ala Knows Best

Two corrections to my last fatwa:

It should be "bare" not "bear" and "gives" not "give".

It's not my fault. The infidels made me do it.

Imam, you can't blame the infidels. If they had any influence, they would have made you spell fatwa fat twat.

An Imam who came from Bankstown
Was caught in the pool with his pants down,
He admitted: "it's true,
and my pecker turned blue,
but it's OK now that its gone down".

An Imam from out by Lakemba,
The Koran he tried to remember,
But his attention was distracted,
To boys bums he was attracted,
And he whacked off from now 'til December.

An Imam from far-flung Arabia
Went for a swim in Australia
He saw a man's bum
thought "this is such fun!"
"I guess I'll just have to stay here!"

In the warm summer month of December
Good Muslims must always remember
That bearded Imams
Grope with their hands
If they see an uncovered male member.

A Mullah believed theocratic,
Really had bats in his attic,
He could wait no longer,
And pulled out his donger,
'Cos to wave it made him ecstatic .

There was an old man from Iraq,
who spied in the pool, a man's crack,
He whacked good and strong,
all along his big dong,
from Lakemba to Auburn and back.

A pretty young girl called Rebekah
took her brother to swim in Mecca,
but the Imam said "no;
"aint no place for a ho,
but your brother can polish my pecker".

A jihadi who hated things 'Merkin'
Was fixated on any bare 'gherkin'
Studs on vacation
He'd curse with damnation
Coz the sight of bare flesh set him jerkin'

A mullah was too, too annoyed
By the midriffs he couldn't avoid
The urges primeval
They sparked were deemed evil
So his worldview is straight out of Freud

A mullah in sermons bombastic
Would damn any clothes not monastic
The sight of bare thighs
Was morally unwise
His fatwas then struck us as drastic

A muzz in the pool let a gasser
That bubbled the neighboring wasser.
When asked, "Did you fart?"
He covered his sart
Gave a big, crooked grin and said, "Yassir!"

To satisfy spiritual itches
By setting the length of men's britches
Must surely be seen
As intellectually obscene
So mullahs are stuck in their niches

Mullahs on matters anatomical
Must seem to the West very comical
But they'll press on until
A fundamentalist chill
Makes resisting their rule astronomical

An Imam on leave sabbatical,
Was, in the pool, damned fanatical,
He never made passes
At Moslem boys' arses,
And denounced naked flesh as heretical.

A Hartford imam had no etiquette
But his threats of jihad had no predicate
For muslims' protests
By Dems unaddressed
Ensure that he's safe there in Connecticut