July 08, 2004

VEGEMITE NATION

Supplied with a list of states from which US residents have requested Vegemite, Evil Pundit has composed a VegeMap of the United States. Weíve claimed the entire west coast, established control of the Gulf of Mexico, and -- with the exception of Indiana -- built an imposing Yeast Curtain across the nation.

Delaware and Rhode Island are holdouts on the east, although North Carolina fell only hours ago following the capture of reader Robert W. Baxley. Minnesota? Itís owned, thanks to John Wilson. The VegeReichís ambition isnít limited to the US, however. Manitoba and Ottawa are now under Vegemite occupation. So is Hungary.

Deliveries will commence shortly, although mail-outs may be delayed if customs gets upset. In which case Iíll send the Vegemite from within the US when Iím there later this month. Either way, the process of liberation will not be denied.

Posted by Tim Blair at July 8, 2004 01:49 AM
Comments

I know when I used to manage natural foods stores here in Charlotte, North Carolina, that we could not get the stuff. Yes, I did get requests for it.......

Posted by: Crusader at July 8, 2004 at 01:53 AM

Is it really available in Illinois?

When I last went to England four years ago, I had to buy several jars of the stuff for some expat-Brit friends who couldn't find the stuff locally (here in Chicago) and whose son was starting to exhibit withdrawal symptoms. Wasn't cheap, either - I think I paid L3.50 for a 125g jar. Does EvilPundit have some actual store names? If he does, I'll be able to pass them along. Thanks.

Posted by: Annalucia at July 8, 2004 at 02:25 AM

Gives me a reason to move back to New Hampshire. Resistance is not futile!

Posted by: Roger Bournival at July 8, 2004 at 02:32 AM

Nice try, you shifty ferners. But you didn't realize that this war was over without a shot being fired. We converted one of your own as an operative -- Dick "Dick" Smith!

http://www.dicksmithfoods.com.au/dsf/index.php?d=products&p=peanut_butter

While you pathetically lob the odd jar of Vegemite at us, we slather your miserable island in a rich coating of delicious peanut butter! Take that, you Down Under Woggies!

Posted by: Mark from Monroe at July 8, 2004 at 02:55 AM

Our involvement in Iraq was all about Vegeburton's secret desire to build a 'mitey' pipeline to an even bigger, ever-expanding market!

And now this condiment cartel's cartographer, EvilPundit, has inadvertently leaked the whole plan! Or is he, in fact, the Richard Clarke of spreads? No matter!

This is the smoking toaster!

Howard lied!

Rosey Cheeks are racist!

'Soldiers' home by Christmas!

(Before they get cold).

Posted by: CurrencyLad at July 8, 2004 at 03:16 AM

OK so what is this stuff, exactly? What does it taste like? Is it freaky or something? Sounds like the butt of many jokes.

Posted by: BH at July 8, 2004 at 03:16 AM

Vegemite is made from the residue left behind in beer vats after brewing. Each year, Australian beer factories create 35,000 tons of the syicky black substance.

It's against the environment laws to bury the residue or dump it at sea, and it won't burn. In 1922, Sir James Vegem came up with an effective method of disposal which involved packaging the stuff in small glass jars. For this service to humanity he received a knighthood.

As to location, I'm afraid the map only covers states which are due to receive one or more of Tim's Vegemails -- not those which have a retail outlet.

I haven't been able to find a list of shops on the Net, though I have found a couple of online stores that will ship within the USA.

Posted by: EvilPundit at July 8, 2004 at 03:49 AM

Is there no way to stop this juggernaut of foul sandwich spread?!

It's a quagmire!

Posted by: Posse Incitatus at July 8, 2004 at 04:10 AM
It's against the environment laws to bury the residue or dump it at sea, and it won't burn. In 1922, Sir James Vegem came up with an effective method of disposal which involved packaging the stuff in small glass jars.
Ah, kind of like synrock. That explains everything.

BTW, whatever happened to synrock? It was big news in the '70s, and then it sort of dropped off the radar.

Posted by: Zev Sero at July 8, 2004 at 04:55 AM

LOL@Mark.

Posted by: Donnah at July 8, 2004 at 04:57 AM

It just struck me:

Whay doesn't John Howard write a book. He could call it "Tough Shit, Margo"...

Posted by: mojo at July 8, 2004 at 05:38 AM

OK, I confess: I signed up. Hell, I'll try anything once - I ate my late mother's potato chip-tuna-canned mushroom soup casserole as a kid and it didn't kill me, so I say to Tim: bring it on!

It'll take a lot, though, to woo me away from President's Choice Natural Crunchy Peanut butter: on some of Annalucia's home-made French bread, lightly toasted, it's heaven in a jar.

BTW, how should you eat the stuff? On toast? On bread? With your fingers? Before drinking? Or after? Or all of the above? Enquiring minds want to know ...

Posted by: BrownLine at July 8, 2004 at 06:50 AM

Pathetic Underians!

All your spread belong to US

Posted by: ajf at July 8, 2004 at 07:07 AM

"It's against the environment laws to bury the residue or dump it at sea, and it won't burn."

In other words, unburnable toxic waste. Yeah, I'd really, really want to eat that.

Why don't you people elevate something less heinous to your national food-product. Something like kim-chee maybe.

Posted by: David Crawford at July 8, 2004 at 08:23 AM

Oh my God, it's happening!

I'm organizing a barricade on my street, with a small mobile force to protect our local supermarkets. Praise the Lord and pass the peanut butter!

I lived in NZ and I know what this vegemite stuff is like - I just want you to know, Tim, that while there may be deluded Americans out there, the true patriots will rise up and fight it to the bitter end. We will fight it on the beaches, we will fight it in the cities...

Posted by: Bruce at July 8, 2004 at 09:24 AM

OK, if non-Muslims who surrender to the caliphate are called dhimmis, what are non-Aussies called who surrender to the Vegemite Empire? Veggies? And is there a tax involved?

Posted by: Rebecca at July 8, 2004 at 09:49 AM

Ken: LoL.

Posted by: CurrencyLad at July 8, 2004 at 10:15 AM

Why do I keep hearing the theme to The Omen in my head?

Posted by: Andrea Harris at July 8, 2004 at 10:37 AM

To paraphrase George Patton:

So, years from now, when you are bouncing your grandson on your knee and he asks you "Granddad, what did you do during the Great Vegemite Invasion of 2004?" You won't have to say "I shovelled shit in Louisiana."

Posted by: Andrew at July 8, 2004 at 10:53 AM

Lovely quote Andrew.

Too bad you don't know what you're missing out on. Vegemite is the things legends are made of. To point out just one of the holy tales, the most famous racehorse ever(Phar Lap) used to eat a few sangers just prior to racetime and did it fly down the course! Even your American bred horses couldn't keep up with the beast when he was racing over there in the USA. He conquered the local racing sceneó36 wins from his last 41 startsóand then won North America's richest race, the Agua Caliente Handicap, in 1932.

He croaked it while over there, some put it down to gangsters, but I state categorically it was due to having run out of vegemite!

Posted by: Lofty at July 8, 2004 at 11:19 AM


Vegemite + real man's butter + toast = Aussie bliss

Resistance is futile!

Posted by: Rob at July 8, 2004 at 12:07 PM

WARNING TO AMERICANS RECEIVING VEGEMITE

My beloved went to the USA as a Rotary exchange student. She took Vegemite. Her host brother got hold of it and put some on bread. He nearly puked. Why? BECAUSE HE SPREAD IT THICK LIKE PEANUT BUTTER.

Vegemite is like salty plums, those oriental sweets that turn your mouth inside out. SPREAD IT THIN or pay the price.

For the best experience, use really fresh bread with moderate butter, and smear it so thin that it almost looks brown, not black.

(Here is a laugh for you: When she got to her first family, they served canned Kangaroo Tail Soup so she wouldn't be homesick! US friends may not know but at that time roo tail soup was folklore not food - we had country songs about eating it when Dad got thrown in jail.)

Posted by: ChrisPer at July 8, 2004 at 12:09 PM

A great way to enjoy Vegemite (upper case V, please) is between two Ryvita sesame crackers with plenty of butter.

As you bite into this nutty, fatty, salty yumminess, the Vegemite and butter squeeze out the little holes in the crackers.

Getting me one now.

Posted by: ilibcc at July 8, 2004 at 12:27 PM

Hmm. I love salty plums. It could be that I might like Vegemite. Horrors...

Posted by: Andrea Harris at July 8, 2004 at 01:00 PM

Vegemite is just the shock and awe campaign.

Just you wait for the VBMD.

(victoria bitter of massive drunkenry)

Posted by: mister z at July 8, 2004 at 01:06 PM

I'm sorry guys, it tastes like salty tobbacco goo. It looks like hash oil and smells like a petrolium product. My tongue is still mad at me for forcing that on it. It is the main reason the US isn't apart of the Commonwealth. You think it was the kings rule and taxes, it wasn't, it was Marmite and Vegemite. If you are American and have never had the misfortune of trying this waste product packaged as food, do yourself a favor and DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE!!!

Posted by: Ann at July 8, 2004 at 01:14 PM

Do you know why the English Cricket team devised the Bodyline technique in the early 1930s? No it wasn't just to get The Don out of the way. They demanded Vegemite and got very grumpy when it was refused to them.

Also, why were The Invincibles as superb as they were in the 1948 tour of the UK? I believe Justice Sir Norman Birkett, who presided at the Nuremberg trials knew why, he wrote: "To see the Australian team emerging once more from the pavilion after the years of war was to be filled with thankfulness and pride and happiness, and not a little emotion." Yes that's right chaps.....he knew the emotional hold that Vegemite had on the Aussie side. With it, we will never be beaten!

Posted by: Lofty at July 8, 2004 at 01:16 PM

Ah. I thought so. Marmite. Yuck.

Posted by: George at July 8, 2004 at 03:11 PM

You only think you control Kalifornia. Not so. There will be pockets of resistance where ever right-thinking, moral, peanut butter eating Americans make a stand. Venture into the TriValley at your own peril. We're heavily armed and have stockpiles of peanut butter.

Posted by: Rossz at July 8, 2004 at 03:21 PM

Mark, nice link to the Aussie PB.

But I really didn't need to see a pic of something called "Dick's Chest Rub" (upper left), thanks all the same...

Dang furriner preverts. EAT YOUR PEANUTS!

Posted by: mojo at July 8, 2004 at 03:53 PM

Come on, have we invaded Poland yet?

Posted by: Andjam at July 8, 2004 at 06:40 PM

Two important questions.

1)Which beer is is made from?

My guess is Victoria Bitter.

2)Can we return the alcohol to the product?

I'd think so, but I hope no one tries.

Posted by: JakeD at July 8, 2004 at 08:15 PM

roscoe's world tour of the great Shaitin U.S.A is coming up too.. maybe i can post some little packs of black paste to gullible running dog imperialist Yankee pig dogs as well. (that's if it's legal to post petrochemical waste via U.S.P.S).

Posted by: roscoe.p.coltrane at July 8, 2004 at 09:20 PM

Tim, you're being had.

I've never been in a state where I couldn't get Vegemite. In some it's a specialty item, in others its simply on shelves(in quite a few it's with the bouillion and soup making stuff)

Alla these people asking for it are trying to get some for free.....

Posted by: jack at July 9, 2004 at 12:54 AM

If that's the case Jack, I'd a freebee too! Postage within Australia is alot cheaper than mailing to the States Timbo so I'm actually saving you money! Unlike those yanks who just want something for nothing.

Posted by: JakeD at July 9, 2004 at 09:20 AM

I've been told vegemite is available in some supermarkets in Rhode Island.

Posted by: Andjam at July 9, 2004 at 10:19 AM

I wanted Vegemite since I was a fan of Men At Work. Now that Texas has got it in every grocery store, I am afeart....

Colin Hays and I need to talk.....

Posted by: Sharon Ferguson at July 9, 2004 at 02:33 PM