Tim Blair

Wow! He was in Skynyrd?! Details, I want details! Hey, John- Freebird!

I think his uncle's name was Old MacDonald. He also remembers "The little pufferbellies all in a row" from the time his father owned the railroad.

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were in Vietnam, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I served in Vietnam as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, were in Vietnam, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a helicopter gun ship with the guy who was flying it."

Whenever anyone says "let me tell you something," I've always assumed whatever follows is utter bullshit. Kinda like when someone's cranky old uncle starts off with "in my day..."

In the military it's "No sh*t, there I was..."

Odd. I seem to remember most of the greatest joys in my life, before I even start to talk about them.

I've seen what people like John Kerry call "Farms." They are estates in places like New Canaan, Connecticut where rich people buy a dozen acres of land, put a nice white split rail fence around the property, buy a horse, an Escalade, a tractor, and a groundskeeper in the mode of Larry, Darryl, and Darryl, and call it a farm. Other than manure, the only thing the farm produces is photo opportunities for politicians who don't like being knocked down by sonofabitchin' Secret Service agents.

John Kerry in Oklahoma:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who had a meth lab, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived in a meth lab as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived in a meth lab, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a pile of Sudafed pills with the guy who was tweaking."

The guy on the tractor was clearly a Republican operative, inciting young and impressionable John Kerry into learning the F-word so he would use it in Rolling Stone 50 years later.

One of his former co-workers at Caltech was heard to remark, "He seems a nice enough fellow, but I'd sure hate to see him working with subatomic particles."

Can't wait to hear what he'll say when he visits a black church. Oh wait, he already told them he was going to be the second black President (after Bill Clinton).

How right you are Randal:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were black, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived on a cotton farm as a black kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived in a black ghetto, and I learned my first cuss word sitting on a watermelon with a black guy who was eating it. He said: ‘Hey f*king white boy, get off my watermelon."

Ahem......let's think a moment about what a dairy farm produces. The main product is milk, naturally. The secondary product is manure.

Could it be that Kerry identified with the dairy farm, not because of his memories, but because Kerry is full of shit?

I think Kerry's deperate mind flailed about for a relevant comment and dredged up an episode of "Green Acres". Land spreadin' out so far and wide! I suppose it could have been worse:

"Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who were shipwrecked on an uncharted desert island, and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I lived on an uncharted desert isle as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we lived on an uncharted desert island, and I learned my first cuss word while sitting on the ruined deck of the Minnow with the Skipper, brave and sure."

Ahem:

FINALLY -- A CANDIDATE EVERY AMERICAN CAN CALL THEIR OWN
He's been a handicapped unionist minority farmer.
He's been a right-wing pro-choice born-again southern elderly protectionist pacifist.
He's been a redneck northern liberal ethnic pro-life jewish fixed-income no-nukes gun nut.
And he's been a woman named Frieda.
BILL THE CAT FOR PRESIDENT -- HE'S BEEN ONE OF US.

Angie, maybe Bill the Cat will become Kerry's choice for VP.

GACK!

Let me tell you something: When I was a kid, this 'kid from the East' had an aunt and uncle who [A], and one of my greatest joys in life -- in fact, I [A] as a young kid. My parents, when we lived in Massachusetts, we [A], and I learned my first cuss word [B1] with the guy who was [B2] it"

Entries for [A]
..lived on a farm..
..collected wheaties in a stamp album..
..threw darts at pictures of Dubya...
..voted against it before voting for it...
..adored Michael Moore...
..committed War Crimes...
..married into money...
..wore the latest Fashions...
..opposed the Iraq war...
..supported the Iraq war...

Entries for [B1] and [B2]
..sitting on a tractor... ...driving...
..marching in a protest... ...organizing...
..making a speech... ...fisking...
..lickspittling France... ...leading...
..admiring my Ego... ...inflating...
..writing bullshit... ...reading...
..throwing away a medal... ..actually deserving the award of...
..telling tall stories... ..blogging...
..lying through my teeth.. ..reporting...

Time for someone to write a little Perl script attached to an HTML form....

As an alcoholic would-be dictator who thinks he talks to God once said:
Fool me once... (3 second pause) ... Shame on... (4 second pause) ... Shame on you... (6 second pause)... Fool me... Can't get fooled again.

Wiser words were never spoken, so incompetently.

I wanna live like common people
I wanna do whatever common people do

Talking to God is a problem, SS? Why is that? People do it every day....it's called prayer. Now, talking with God, that could be an issue.

Wow, Bush isn't a good speaker...who knew? I wonder why nobody has ever brought forth this amazing insight before. That's, like, so going to change people's perception of the president, I swear. You so smart, Sincerity Slips!

That was supposed to be Dubya? Sounds more like Shatner to me.

In a release from his campaign, one of the farms he lived on "straddled" a township line. Maybe that's where he learned it? Seems somehow fitting - and humorous at the same time. Kerry definately needs new staffers.

His sister remembers differently:
from the Time piece at http://www.time.com/time/election2004/printout/0,8816,660967,00.html

If any place comes close, it is a rural town outside Boston called Millis, where the Kerrys settled after the war. They bought a big, pretty house with six bedrooms, multiple fireplaces and a pond where John and his sister Peggy played. "He was a very adventurous, outdoorsy person," says Peggy, who is two years older. "There was a farm next door, and John used to like to play there and in the woods."

FREEBIRD!!!!

I don't think a dingus like Slips, who wants us to base foreign policy off of a quote from the Princess Bride, has any place judging Dubya's verbal acumen.

Of course, this wouldn't remind anyone of Ronald Reagan, who told both Yitzhak Shamir and Simon Wiesenthal that he was present at the liberation of a death camp during World War II and - in response to criticism of his Nicaragua 'policy' - claimed "they haven't been there. I have", when he hadn't.

There are lies and then there are damned lies.