May 31, 2004

NEWS BRIEFLETS (UPDATED)

Dave Barry presents a series of photographs from the set of his new movie -- an environmental thriller titled The Happy Days After Tomorrow, starring Henry Winkler as Global Cool. Heeeey!

The Guardian is excited: "Do not put the champagne on ice yet - there are, after all, five months to go before the election - but it is beginning to look as if Senator John Kerry may have the beating of President George Bush in November."

Paris Hilton continues to impress Australians. Shes making a film here. With more than one camera.

Anglican Archbishop Bernard Malango, primate of central Africa, isnt supportive of Canadian moves to back gay marriage: "These people are going berserk. They do not care about the Anglican communion. They are causing disgrace to the whole church."

NSW Premier Bob Carr leaps aboard a crowded bandwagon: "Mr Carr says global warming makes it imperative Australia ratify the Kyoto Agreement while it is still 'the day before tomorrow'."

Gerard Henderson writes: "Here's hoping this D-Day kick-starts some modesty on the part of the French political class. But don't bet on it."

Is Madonna the Phillip Adams of pop?

Pay peanuts, get monkeys. Pay nothing, get Al Franken: "In a sign that the privately held company's financial woes have not fully abated, Al Franken, the network's best-known star, said in an interview last week that he had agreed not to draw a salary, however temporarily, making him 'an involuntary investor.'"

After a brief break, Tex is back blogging. And hes angry.

SPORTS BRIEFLETS

The Indianapolis 500 was once the most gothic of American sports events. Now, following administrative brawls and restrictive rule changes, its dominated by no-name drivers and dinky, technically-uniform cars. Buddy Rice won this years race; as in 1986, when Rice team co-owner Bobby Rahal was victorious, the 500 was hit by rain.

Batting at nine, Bangladeshi Mohammad Rafique tore a century off the West Indies in the First Test at St. Lucia, helping his team to their highest Test total. Rezwan is yet to mention the historic score, although he does have useful advice for anyone planning a heart attack.

Posted by Tim Blair at May 31, 2004 06:45 PM
Comments

On a probable Kerry victory, The Guardian says a recent speech by the challenger was...

...stuffed with sentiments about securing America's aims through trust, respect, alliances, civility, diplomacy, persuasion, teamwork, listening, treaties, consensus and a host of other words that Mr Bush rarely uses...

Result now emerging from my Leftie Universal Codswallop Translator (TM)... doo-da-doo, it's still processing folks, mmm-mm-mmm, ah, yes, here we go:

"FORCES OF TERRORISM: WE ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR RIGHT TO SELF-DETERMINATION AND WE WILL PROVIDE FUNDING FOR YOUR EMERGING 'CALIPHATE' INITIATIVE;

YOUR EXCELLENCY MR SIR DR GENERAL KOFI ANNAN (CMH): YOU KNOW BEST;

TO OUR FRENCH FRIENDS: APRES BUSH, LA DELUGE, EH? HEH, HEH - SERIOUSLY, OUR PROFOUNDEST APOLOGIES;

TO OUR COALITION PARTNERS IN IRAQ: KISS MY FIRM, PERT SKI-ING AND BICYCLING-TONED BUTTOCKS YOU INCONSEQUENTIAL DEADBEATS;

TO MR BIN LADEN: MAYBE WE SHOULD TALK OH MISUNDERSTOOD CHE OF OUR TIME;

TO 'ALL Y'ALL' (A NEGRO PERSON TAUGHT ME THAT ON MY SWIFT BOAT): EVERYONE IN HAMAS, THE EU AND THE UN INVITED TO CAMP DAVID FOR A WORKSHOP AND MEDITATION SESSION ENTITLED BECOMING BROTHERS AND SISTERS - SELF-GROWTH THROUGH CAPITULATION. (HOMOSEXUAL NEWLY-WEDS ENCOURAGED TO ATTEND, DISCOURAGED FROM CHATTING WITH OUR OTHER-VALUED MOSLEM FRIENDS). JUDEN!: PLEASE MAY USE SERVICE ENTRANCE."

Promising to get closer to the average 'Joe'...

Willing to think outside the square...

And Really Stuffed with Sincerity,

Your Obedient & Penitent new President,

Monsieu John F. Kerry

Posted by: CurrencyLad at May 31, 2004 at 08:18 PM

Well, the election's over now. The Guardian has endorsed Kerry.

What a surprise!

Posted by: Quentin George at May 31, 2004 at 08:44 PM

Tim, you ever listen to Frankens show? He's quite calm and reasonable. Though he does have a strong disliking for O'Reilly. Though that would be normal, right?

Posted by: Stewart Kelly at May 31, 2004 at 09:49 PM

'The Seattle speech is stuffed with sentiments about securing America's aims through trust, respect, alliances, civility, diplomacy, persuasion, teamwork, listening, treaties, consensus and a host of other words that Mr Bush rarely uses or, when he does use them, that carry no conviction in his mouth.'

- The Guardian editorial on 'securing America's aims'.

Opinions please.

And opinions please on Tne Guardian's solutions.

Posted by: ilibcc at May 31, 2004 at 10:42 PM

If President Bush was assassinated by Osama Bin Laden, The Guardian would likely report:

"BUSH VICIOUSLY HEADBUTTS BULLET THAT WAS PROPERTY OF FREEDOM FIGHTER BIN LADEN!"

Posted by: Richard at May 31, 2004 at 11:00 PM

Stewart The most virulent bigot I ever met never raised his voice. Made him doubly scary.

As far as Al Franken goes, I've listened. Nicely-packaged horse manure is still horse manure.

Posted by: richard mcenroe at June 1, 2004 at 01:12 AM

Dear The Guardian:

You have just described Kerry's proposed foreign policy as a Hallmark greeting card. Thank you for your enthusiasm, but these days Americans aren't in the mood to woo the world with notes
"stuffed with sentiments" and all those soft, squishy words you admire. We'll probably just carry on with the grit and brashness of our cowboy Bush.

Sorry about the champagne, but could we interest you in some sparkling or jug wine, instead?

Yank

Posted by: c at June 1, 2004 at 01:31 AM

Hey, sentiment is pretty much the same thing as policy, isn't it?

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek at June 1, 2004 at 01:53 AM

The end of the Guardian is, in a perverse way, correct. You just have to read it in the light of this story about how Kerry said he'd downplay democracy promotion abroad. Then you can go back and read the Guardian piece:

"It is hard to understand how the BBC could have reported... that the Seattle speech made Mr Kerry seem like a foreign policy copy of Mr Bush."
Ding. Right.
"The Seattle speech is stuffed with sentiments about securing America's aims through trust, respect, alliances, civility, diplomacy, persuasion, teamwork, listening, treaties, consensus and a host of other words that Mr Bush rarely uses or, when he does use them, that carry no conviction in his mouth."
Ding. Right again. The difference is Bush uses "rhetoric on democracy and freedom" that is "eschewed" by Kerry. Those just aren't his priorities, man. Civility, consensus, these trump freedom.
"...only a very dull observer would mistake his foreign policy for that of his challenger."
I'd say.

Posted by: dorkafork at June 1, 2004 at 01:59 AM

Seriously, it's presumptuous and risky for anyone to be writing off either George Bush or - in Australia - John Howard just yet. Second-guessing the electorate is notoriously difficult.

There is such public opprobrium associated with supporting Bush/Howard and their Iraq policy that a significant percentage of people will only express their true allegiances and intentions on polling day itself. There might be a few percentage points in their favour, which no poll will pick up.

Still, by year's end the White House and The Lodge may have new occupants. Bush's disadvantage is that people might say "9/11 has been answered and in the most awesome way - enough already." Howard's disadvantage is that the economy is strong, he's been in office for eight years and the Australian commentariat will allow no adverse story on Labor to gain traction until the election.

Kerry may rise to the prestige of the job if elected. Latham, if elected, will self-destruct because he's immature and stark raving mad.

Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 1, 2004 at 02:00 AM

I agree, dorkafork. Lots of wishful thinking and spin in that article - most of it worthless.

Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 1, 2004 at 02:04 AM

"Latham, if elected, will self-destruct because he's immature and stark raving mad."

Don't forget the Whitlam government was re-elected once.

Posted by: Clem Snide at June 1, 2004 at 02:16 AM

Noted Clem.

Thing is, I don't mind the majesty of democracy doing its will but I do mind having as Prime Minister of this great country a man whose most notable public act has been assaulting a cab-driver and whose only executive experience was as a failed Mayor of some pissant municipality.

His ex-wife has said he has always been obsessed with Marlon Brando's Kurtz in Apocalyse Now and that he watched that movie over and over. She has said she was frightened of him.

Real Prime Ministerial timber, eh?

If we're to have a Labor PM, then give me Big Kim. He's strategically brilliant, a good man and he has a heart of gold.

Posted by: CurrencyLad at June 1, 2004 at 02:31 AM

"Pay peanuts, get monkeys. Pay money, get Al Franken". Pay long lunches and expensive wine, get Tim Blair.

Posted by: Annoying Old Guy at June 1, 2004 at 02:47 AM

Yeah, Tim. Why is everybody on Al Franken's case about the gross financial mismanagement and rhetorical imbecility of Air America? It's not like he and his fellow Dem's want to run the country or something--

Posted by: c at June 1, 2004 at 03:06 AM

As far as using words with sincerity, I think Bush does just fine with the ones he does use. Unfortunately, I don't expect Kerry to use them much or to mean them if he does.

Posted by: JorgXMcKie at June 1, 2004 at 03:16 AM

Right on, AOG! Air America can't afford the likes of me. One lunch would close down the whole operation.

Posted by: tim at June 1, 2004 at 03:24 AM

Was Indy more boring that the last F1 race? I mean the bloody highlights show was snooze inducing!

Posted by: Andrew Ian Dodge at June 1, 2004 at 03:27 AM

There was a decent crash with AJ Foyt IV, but the rain delay lasted long enough that they could rebuild his car and he restarted 17 laps down, didn't stick around to see the finish.

I say make em race with treaded tires. They showed video (I'm not making this up) up the track crew using washcloths to suck moisture out of the cracks before the race. Fricking ridiculous pampering. If they had to decide between slicks and treads it would add a lot to the tactical decisions.

Posted by: Kevin at June 1, 2004 at 03:53 AM

Maybe the Groaniad staff should just invest in Milk of Magnesia. Even the people I know who say they aren't voting for Bush are also not going to vote for Kerry.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at June 1, 2004 at 04:06 AM

Right on, CurrencyLad. Latham's insanity is starting to scare me. Shades of Calwell methinks...

Posted by: Quentin George at June 1, 2004 at 08:24 AM

It seems like the F1 races these days are turning into reruns, and I don't just mean the guy at the front. It seems like very race, you can expect at least two of the following to happen:

-Michael Schumacher wins.

-Kimi Raikkonen blows an engine.

-Juan Pablo Montoya does something stupid and knocks someone out of the race.

I guess we only got one of the three at Monaco, but other than that...

Posted by: Vexorg at June 1, 2004 at 01:58 PM

According to our company doctor that stuff on Heart Attacks is bogus. But considering the other options you may as well give it a go. Personally I'd be trying to swallow a last beer...

Posted by: Huddo at June 1, 2004 at 03:12 PM