March 05, 2004


No posts tonight. More posts tomorrow, after qualifying at Albert Park. In the meantime, please investigate the list of bloggers at left.

Notable event of the day: an elderly Subaru diving towards the overtaking lane on the Hume Highway ... at 80 kmh, for no reason, in the midst of traffic travelling perhaps 30 kmh faster. Once the tyre smoke cleared, several anti-war bumper stickers were visible on the Subaru's rear.

One of them read, and I am not making this up:

Arms Are For Hugging

As several drivers reminded the Subaru's pilot, via unusually expressive sign language: Eyes Are For Looking. Also, Brains Are For Using. One motorcyclist, whose evasive skills probably saved his life, seemed to be of the view that Fists Are For Beating.

Posted by Tim Blair at March 5, 2004 11:17 PM

Heads (especially hippy) are for punching.
Feral wagons are for burning.
Radars are for avoiding.
Backpackers are for hunting.

Hume Highway Travel guide

Posted by: Ivan Milat at March 5, 2004 at 11:25 PM

Thumbs Are For Sucking

Posted by: Jim Treacher at March 5, 2004 at 11:33 PM

Must be the day for motorcyclist's road rage across Oz.

I'm waiting for the wallopers to kick my door in and spray me with pepper spray because I swore at a uniformed dickhead paddywagon driver who tried to overtake my bike on in the same lane on a Perth freeway at 110 kmh.

Probably on a mercy mission to rescue KFC from financial ruin with the plod's lunch order.

Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant at March 6, 2004 at 12:53 AM


Posted by: paul at March 6, 2004 at 01:07 AM

The Subaru - our generation's version of the VW Bus. Pot is for Smoking.

Posted by: Roger Bournival at March 6, 2004 at 01:07 AM

A peacenik who starts Mad Max-style roadwars out on our highways, how ironic.

Posted by: Amos at March 6, 2004 at 01:13 AM

Not ironic at all. Moral poseur's like this knucklehead have a motto tattooed across their cerebral cortex that reads:

For thee, but not for me

Posted by: Tongue Boy at March 6, 2004 at 01:23 AM

Tim, based on the driving behavior, the Subaru driver was obviously Jordan's new signing, Zsolt Baumgartner.

Posted by: Rob at March 6, 2004 at 02:18 AM

Hugging? Like a bear's?

Posted by: Patrick Chester at March 6, 2004 at 02:20 AM

"You know, war is a human invention. Animals don't start wars".

"What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time."

"Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms."

*Death kills girl.*

"Check please."

Posted by: MD2020 at March 6, 2004 at 02:30 AM

Good God, they're in Australia too? I thought they were a breed specific to Seattle. Here's your Subaru, now drive like a jackass.

Posted by: Ken J at March 6, 2004 at 03:49 AM

Hey Tim, what was that bumper sticker on the car you drove across the US again? Not that we'll hold it against you personally, of course.

Oh, and middle fingers are for raising. But, perhaps that's just an American expression.

Posted by: charles austin at March 6, 2004 at 04:10 AM

What about Volvos, huh?


Posted by: Sigivald at March 6, 2004 at 04:11 AM

I take it that this Scoobie was not one of those turbo WRX hot-rods?

Posted by: triticale at March 6, 2004 at 05:19 AM

Let me furthur qualify the distinction. Elderly Subarus are driven by elderly hippies (which, altho my beard and ponytail show a touch of grey, I am not) but new Subarus are driven either by suburban soccer moms (if hunter green) or young men with crew cuts and wraparound shades (if bright blue).

My dream Scoobie would be a Legacy wagon, the crisp one two generations back, with the intercooled twin turbo package which was reviewed in last month's riceburner magazine.

Posted by: triticale at March 6, 2004 at 05:25 AM


Old joke from the eighties:

Scientists have discovered the slowest object in the universe.

A Volvo with Oregon plates.

Posted by: David Crawford at March 6, 2004 at 05:53 AM

Thanks for the joke, Dave. Only it's no joke. I was behind a van about two weeks ago with a bumper sticker that read: Drive Slow For Peace. As if being behind someone who is driving slowly could promote peaceful feelings in any way.

It would seem that they thought if you drive slowly, you will burn less gas and have to use less oil. No blood for oil, and all that. I'm sure their giant van going slowly still uses more gas than my Tercel which typically does 5 - 10 miles over the speed limit. Also, their other sticker helpfully pointed out BUSH LIED!

Posted by: Ken J at March 6, 2004 at 06:20 AM

All I can say is, you Aussies are really lucky you don't have Oldsmobiles...

Posted by: Gary at March 6, 2004 at 06:38 AM

Why are you surprised that these people don't interact well with reality?

Posted by: Fred Boness at March 6, 2004 at 07:40 AM

Great demonstration of the thesis that it's not speed that kills, it's relative speed that kills.

Posted by: Theodopoulos Pherecydes at March 6, 2004 at 08:15 AM

My dad has a great story about being on a jam-packed freeway at rush hour. It was hellaciously backed up, people were oozing along at about 10 MPH. When he had gotten far enough, the cause of the obstruction became clear. Somebody had parked his car at the side of the road - illegally blocking a lane. The guy's bumper was covered in ACLU bumperstickers.

This being in the days before internet usage was widespread, I'm wondering if that guy wasn't a primitive kind of troll :).

Posted by: Sonetka at March 6, 2004 at 08:33 AM

Arms are for hugging and sheilas are for fucking.

Posted by: Mike Hunt at March 6, 2004 at 09:39 AM

Lucky they don't have Oldsmobiles? What are you talking about? I got a '67 Cutlass convertible and it's a blast. (Not the 442, just a Cutlass Supreme with a 330 small block V8)

Posted by: Andrew at March 6, 2004 at 10:03 AM

Don't knock the Subaru's. Knock individuals who drive them by all means.

So said becasue I own a number of Subarus. A Liberty (2nd gen) and Outback (3rd Gen) a RS wagon (1st gen) a 92 Sportswagon, a 88 Brumby and MY 00 WRX. Good cars. But I'll agree about the old hippies driving old Subarus

Posted by: ANdy at March 6, 2004 at 11:50 AM

That's what we call a forceful, kick-ass bumper sticker. As in 'I was stuck behind you forced to pay attention to the tripe you've pasted on your car but since I've forced you off the road I'll kick yer ass'.

Posted by: Carl H. at March 6, 2004 at 12:26 PM

The worst driver I know is a Communist/Democrat. I will never get into a car with him again. On one trip he slowed down to about 5 mph, while in the middle lane of a freeway, because he had almost missed the exit and wanted to get over there. Then he refused to make a left turn when he had the arrow, instead worrying about whether the oncoming left-turner really was going to make a left turn. I thought we were having a showdown of left-turners. Then he challenged someone in cross traffic, who had the bad luck to get caught transversely against his flow by a stop light, cursing the poor sucker for being in his way. Then he headed right for a big tree in a parking lot since he was watching something to his side [I have no idea what it was, especially since it was 11 pm.] As I was getting ready for impact and yelling at him, he turned away from the tree at the last moment, and thanked me for calling this to his attention. Then he started telling me that Bush had "stolen" the election and that the gay Boy Scout just wanted to instill "traditional male values" into the Scouts. I thought, well, why don't you learn how to drive, instead? I was lucky to escape.

Posted by: Joe Peden at March 6, 2004 at 12:37 PM

A showdown of left-turners, gay scounts wanting to instill traditional male values in other scouts... Heh heh heh!! Okay, no way that story is true.

But since you did not attribute it to an imaginary Austrailian psychiartist, you're free to go.

Posted by: Sortelli at March 6, 2004 at 12:44 PM

How I deal with this problem is this, if I am not in the same car with the Communists: I have the worst looking car amongst 2.5 million people here in Saint Louis, Mo., U.S.A.. But it is a big car with many battle scars. The scars are more effective than piercings in gaining respect. Yet, if no one respects my scars, I simply drive them off the road. Many a person who thought he could not swim suddenly found water wings. Others who thought they could not move to a meal, but must have it brought to them, found that they could run like hell, as I bore down upon them for the kill. This really gets the natives scampering about, as they see my battered ram coming toward them. The only drawback to this procedure is that I have to clean my window more often than is usual for the average vehicle driver. Most troubling is not the blood, but the shit which has been expelled by these mutants, in anticipation of their demise, or upon their demise. But, I thank them anyway.

Posted by: Joe Peden at March 6, 2004 at 01:13 PM

I am somewhat of a hippy.

though my type is from southern Florida born and bred.

We do not stop our cars on the interstate unless we plan on killing you.

And if possibly the world comes to a bad end, and any of you Aussie's wish to document selective breeding to the fullest, I am sure more than a few back woods, hippy, rednecks will cook you p on the barbi should worse come to worse.

It's either you or our pitbulls. And you know us hippies love our animals.

Posted by: IXLNXS at March 6, 2004 at 03:26 PM

The overpressure from a nuclear explosion probably feels kinda like a hug. Well, until your body is vaporized by the heat and/or radiation pulse anyway.

OK, and sure, you can't hug children with nuclear arms. So? You can't feed children with textbooks either. You can't love your grandmother with abortion clinics (at least I hope you can't). You can't love your siblings with Hydrogen powered cars. Is there a point to all these non sequiturs? Yes, very much so. It's that I think we need to paint this hippopotamus orange immediately.

Posted by: Robin Goodfellow at March 6, 2004 at 03:49 PM

True story. 1998. After the infamous Australian gun "stealback". Driving home from work in my Jackaroo (Isuzu Trooper). Sticker on the back window said, "Guns today -- fishing tomorrow?"

Rustbucket Ford Fiesta pulls out from behind me, literally putting out a smokescreen of blue oil smoke. Pulls alongside me. Driver indicates for me to lower window. She's feral -- cheesecloth dress, dreadlock-type thingies. She gives me a "thumbs up", revealing an armpit you couldn't slash with a whippersnipper. Shouts, "Yes! We got the guns -- fishing IS next!!" She actually thought I was on HER side.

She (slowly) pulled ahead of me, revealing (and I counted 'em) 14 stickers extolling the virtues of extreme greenism.

I found it ironic her car was causing major pollution (the rings were shot -- she must have used a litre of oil every two or three hundred kays), while the majority of her stickers promoted the sanctity of the environment.

But I digress -- had a youngish (20 or so) woman pass me on the freeway on the LEFT (down the breakdown lane) the other night. She had her mobile to her left ear, driving one handed as she pulled suddenly in front of me. I flashed my headlights to say, "Gee, that's not nice". To which she replied (at 100 kmh) by putting her right hand out the window and giving me the finger -- which meant no hands on the wheel, boys and girls. Then veered right (no indicator) and took off at what I guesstimated to be 140 kmh.


Posted by: BruceT at March 6, 2004 at 09:24 PM

All you units getting excited about Subarus;
you fuckers have never seen what they are about;
My Missus has a Jap built Subaru Liberty wagon; the fucker has a WRX twin turbo engine, is faster than any scabby Holden or Ford; and looks better.

Posted by: Habib at March 7, 2004 at 12:19 AM

Man, that's totally, like, ya know, sick. I've driven Subey's, had two Brumby's. I used them to roam the bush, killing mammals wantonly, and trying my best to crush endangered species of moss and lichen. See, they are good for something!

Posted by: Chief Bastard at March 7, 2004 at 12:32 AM

I dunno what kind of car she was driving, because I was horribly fascinated by the fact she was putting on her pantyhose AS SHE WAS DRIVING.

I've never quite gotten over seeing that.

Posted by: ushie at March 7, 2004 at 12:53 AM

Only three words to identify the true horror:
Mercury Grand Marquis

Posted by: Mike at March 7, 2004 at 01:53 AM

Hey, don't talk about my future car that way. I need something I can acquire for only a couple hundred bucks.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at March 7, 2004 at 02:20 AM

Inexs, everyone who is anyone knows that dog tastes better than human. This Hippie Commie I am talking about would only stop for possum or skunk.

Posted by: Joe Peden at March 7, 2004 at 03:40 AM

"Scientists have discovered the slowest object in the universe.

A Volvo with Oregon plates."

No way. It's a Buick full of Q-Tips driving 40 MPH
on the 5 in northern CA and swerving from lane to lane so eqregiously that they took up the entire northbound highway and were impossible to pass. I spent over an hour stuck in back of these dickwads last summer.

Posted by: Man Mountain Molehill at March 7, 2004 at 04:22 AM

If you get the chance, Tim, get a drink at the Saint on Canterbury Road (just outside Albert Park) before you go home. Just don't take the seat in the far left corner. That's mine.

Posted by: keith taylor at March 7, 2004 at 05:21 AM

I was once stuck behind an lefty-eco-peace-freak doing 15 MPH on a 30 MPH in Minneapolis. I got the distinct impression that she may have been actually afraid of the vehicle that she was driving. Of course I could have been wrong about that impression.

I ended up passing her in the '76 Buick Le Sabre (with one cylinder not firing) that I was driving at the time without exceeding the posted speed limit.

Posted by: Leslie Bates at March 7, 2004 at 07:13 AM

It's not just in OZ... Here in Southern Illinois, the region was a veritable thundercade, with busty motorcycle girls in leather everywhere, and their men challenging me to a game of 'pedestrian-vs-hog chicken' at every intersection for the due ogling.

Posted by: Aaron at March 7, 2004 at 12:26 PM


Posted by: jr at March 7, 2004 at 01:17 PM

Dear JR

Your test

Posted by: Crazy at March 7, 2004 at 02:57 PM

Sorry jr,

You failed!

Graham Thorn, Pschy... Psych .... Pshyc.... Oh Fuck It!

Posted by: Thorn at March 7, 2004 at 02:58 PM

Arms Are For Hugging

Can't say that I've seen that brilliant piece of sloganeering since the Reagan era when the Left's bright idea for world peace was for the U.S. to surrender to the Soviets by unilaterally disarming. In case you've forgotten the actual results here they are:

Reagan 1 Soviet Union 0

Posted by: Randal Robinson at March 7, 2004 at 03:08 PM

It's an unwritten law that people in crap cars have to drive faster. They're compensating.

Posted by: Vikki at March 7, 2004 at 03:08 PM

It's also an unwritten law, in my hometown at least, that the person with the cheaper car has the right-of-way.

After all, does a guy driving a $60,000 Mercedes really want to fight it out a four-way stop with a guy driving a $800 beater Toyota?

Posted by: David Crawford at March 7, 2004 at 05:00 PM

Never mind, Tim, at least you had the nail-biting excitement of the F1 Grand Prix to make up for the tedium.

Posted by: Clem Snide at March 7, 2004 at 05:12 PM

You know, I'm surprised that nobody has inserted the phrases "LONG LUNCHES" and "EXPENSIVE WINE" whilst referring to Tim's presence at the Grand Prix.

Posted by: Marty at March 7, 2004 at 07:55 PM

Here in Costa Rica it's Hyundais you have to watch out for. Those buggers drive like the Keystone Kops. Actually, everyone drives like dickheads, which is why we have one of the highest road accident fatality rates in the world. Count yer blessings.

Posted by: David Gillies at March 8, 2004 at 04:12 PM