September 30, 2003

UNWELL

Posting will be light for the next day or so, as I think Iím coming down with Australian Flu. All the classic indicators are present: fever, chills, golfball-sized sacs of baby spiders erupting beneath the skin, sore throat, headache. Rest is required.

Posted by Tim Blair at September 30, 2003 01:02 PM
Comments

Day or so? Ha! Try month or so, if it's the same pack of bastard microbes that infiltrated my lungs a month back; lots of fun to look forward to, like producing more oysters than the Georges River, coughing so much your lungs bleed, head feeling like you're wearing an internal balaclava, and when you dehydrate from the gallons of phlegm you have hacked up, your brain starts to rattle around without any cushioning fluid and every bout of consupmtive chest rattles is a new adventure in pain. Sounds almost as bad as having to sit through another Collingwood GF loss.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 30, 2003 at 01:20 PM

Blame John Howard and Dubya.

Posted by: Tex at September 30, 2003 at 01:22 PM

There is a simple solution to your flu predicament:
1) Invent a time machine
2) go back in time about one month
3) acquire a $20 flu vaccination
4) wait a few days
5) come back in time to present

This technique has worked for me for years (although with expert management I no longer need steps 1,2 and 5).

Posted by: Tom at September 30, 2003 at 01:39 PM

Nothing to do with the pies copping a pasting in the Grand Final? Still no official mention on this site, c'mon timbo the pain will fade!

Posted by: Jake D at September 30, 2003 at 02:18 PM

Dang! Feel better. Drink lots of hot tea, or put some rum in the microwave and make one of those toddy things. (You won't get better, but you won't care.)

Posted by: Andrea Harris at September 30, 2003 at 02:34 PM

It will get the spiders drunk too, so you can kill them without exerting too much effort.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at September 30, 2003 at 02:34 PM

Posted on September 27, Jake. And more to come in The Bulletin tomorrow.

Posted by: tim at September 30, 2003 at 02:37 PM

Hope you get better soon.

I find that putting some insecticide in the hot rum helps keep the spiders down.

Posted by: Evil Pundit at September 30, 2003 at 02:47 PM

These have worked for me:

1. Hot Tea with honey and rum

2. Hot, steamy baths with Epsom Salts

3. *Real* Chicken broth or soup (chicken has an enzyme that helps with the phlegm)

All of the above, except the rum and honey, helps loosen all the junk up. It's the heat, steam, and whatever enzyme in the chicken.

Honey is supposed to be good for you. Don't know why.

The Rum makes things a bit better all around.

Take care and feel better.

Time for me to take my parents for their flu shots soon. My parents have great luck with their flu shots. I take them to get them each year and so far they have avoided the flu. Wish I were as lucky. I can't take the shots. They have made me *very* ill in the past.

Posted by: Chris Josephson at September 30, 2003 at 02:51 PM

I recommend an internal topical antiseptic, with some tonic and a slice of lime.

Posted by: Andrew at September 30, 2003 at 03:15 PM

Thanks Tim, that's what happens when you stop paying attention for a couple of days.

Drugs, Tim, Drugs. God made smart people to make smart drugs to make you feel better. Don't anger God by turning your nose up at one of his better efforts. Or try herbal remedies, you may be delerious and hallucinate that they're working.

Posted by: Jake D at September 30, 2003 at 03:34 PM

My father got this flu and made up some form of brew involving lemon tea, tequila, brandy and something else that I have since forgotten... Possibly rum.

I don't think I'll elaborate on that, either.

Posted by: Marty at September 30, 2003 at 04:10 PM

Baby spiders? I wonder what "New Zealand flu" is all about, then?

Posted by: Matt from Vegas at September 30, 2003 at 04:41 PM

You don't want to know- it involves scabby mouth, ticks, anthrax ,foot and mouth and fly-strike.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 30, 2003 at 05:07 PM

Copious quantities of NyQuil. Between the alcohol and belladonna, you won't feel anything. If by some grand curse, you do feel something, you won't give a damn.

Posted by: CGeib at September 30, 2003 at 05:56 PM

Likely story. Tim is slipping away for a few days to rendezvous with Margo who wants to be a love slave to a real man.

Posted by: Perfectsense at September 30, 2003 at 06:52 PM

Alcohol, the answer is, emphatically, alcohol.
Something herbal, like Jagermeister.

Posted by: Skinny Hippo at September 30, 2003 at 09:26 PM

When I lived in Ukraine it was said a 100g shot of (hot) pepper vodka would do the trick. When I was starting to feel ill I would do this and it always worked for me.

Best of luck

Posted by: Bart at September 30, 2003 at 11:28 PM

Trying to make it a 8 day long weekend eh Tim? Good on you. You're doing Australia proud old son :D

Posted by: Caz at October 1, 2003 at 01:13 AM

Only 8 days? Some respect, please, Caz -- I haven't had a day job since 2000. I'm coming up to the 1000th day of my long weekend.

Posted by: tim at October 1, 2003 at 02:46 AM

As others have pointed out, this can only really be treated by copious ingestion of sweet, life-giving BOOZE. When I get a tickle at the back of my throat, ten or fifteen beers and half a bottle of whisky usually do the trick. It's a right bugger if it's a weekday though (the cold's OK, but the hangover is a bastard).

Posted by: David Gillies at October 1, 2003 at 02:57 AM

Look out, you lot. You will have the Theraputic Goods mob after you!

Posted by: kae at October 1, 2003 at 01:11 PM

Tim and Margo go hardcore - I'd like to see that !

Posted by: Jafa at October 2, 2003 at 12:22 AM