September 02, 2003


This site attacts some mean angry trolls, despite me being the nicest boy in the whole world. Sensitive, too. So Iíve turned their spiteful troll-speak into delightful poetry:

I wish your immigrant ancestor died
on their way over you coward.
The day I see you as an enlisted man in our great Army
is the day I vote for John Howard.

I know, it doesnít scan, but consider the material Iím working with here. I spent 15 minutes trying to find a rhyme for ďTim Blair=Wahabi ClericĒ (can you believe not a single bastard troll has ever mentioned Joseph Merrick or used the word "esoteric"?) before giving up and composing this:

You need more vision
and less red meat
It's you and your ilk
who are the real elite

I'll leave you
and the Timster alone.
Don't want you choking
on a chicken bone

The next example is offered copyright-free to Rage Against The Machine:

You speak on any subject you choose
with the conviction!
Lies, distortions, half truths and
downright fiction!

Dedicated to all the usual right wing causes;
cut immigration!
I'm the product of a first world state

Rock on, trolls.

Posted by Tim Blair at September 2, 2003 02:20 PM

Get the name right, will ya?

Posted by: Raj Against The Machine at September 2, 2003 at 02:30 PM

I think poetic license would allow you to pronounce "cleric" as "clerk," thus opening the field to many possible rhymes. Or you could solicit "choleric" e-mail, if your readers can handle that many syllables.

Posted by: Joanne Jacobs at September 2, 2003 at 02:49 PM

Robs the name, I cruise the manís page

I Ďm a white right flake with privileged rage

Iím all full of trumped up attitude

All you mothers spending my taxes donít expect my gratitude

I donít go hiding my name for shame
thatís not my game

If you want to diss my words then you better be real

Emails like just donít cut the deal.

Posted by: Rob at September 2, 2003 at 03:07 PM

I'd like to see a list of the top 20 great troll lines, Right-Wing Death-Beast is sure to make it.

The joy of trolls, they just keep on giving even when no-one's wanting.

Posted by: Jake D at September 2, 2003 at 03:14 PM

Yo, you dudes checkin out Tim's site,
You better know what's wrong and what is right,
don't want no fags or hos hangin here,
coz this is the page for the brothers who care,
the man is king and and he's all class,
if you fuck up, he'll whup your ass.

Posted by: Rob (No.1) at September 2, 2003 at 03:22 PM

In notice your uber-troll has issued an invitation for someone to take over Tim B Liar.

It's tempting...

Posted by: Alex Hidell at September 2, 2003 at 03:33 PM

Wahabi Cleric?
Not Tim Blair! Are you insane?
Tim Blair love freedom.

Posted by: RJT at September 2, 2003 at 03:59 PM

So good to see I'm wasting your brain time Mr Blair - King of Trolls.

In the meantime, Mr Fraud get down to that recruiting office and do your bit for god and country.

They have a special seat all waiting for you, and they promise to call you Mr Blair at all times, as they pack you off to boot camp. They even promise to let you out once a month to write your column of hate.

Posted by: Big Hawk at September 2, 2003 at 04:03 PM

Big Hawk, I'm starting to suspect a bit of obsessive/compulsive disorder here. Do your friends ever bring that up?

Posted by: John Nowak at September 2, 2003 at 04:20 PM

RJT is haikool.

Jake -- RWDB was originally in a post here before it became a troll line. My contribution to the vocab.

Posted by: tim at September 2, 2003 at 04:27 PM

Tim's trolls have all the taste
Of a photo of Michael Moore's face
But despite all their boasting
They should all stop posting
When they're sent back to preschool post haste.

Posted by: Bob Postlethwaite-Humphrey-Jones at September 2, 2003 at 04:28 PM

We have troll!! We have troll!!

You still singing that same old recruitment theme eh Hawkie? You could at least have tried to make your post rhyme jeez - loosen up.

Posted by: Rob at September 2, 2003 at 04:31 PM

John Nowack,

As a high school teacher I often see behaviour identical to that of Big Hawk, thepusher and Billy Bloggs. It takes a particularly troubled and immature mind to revel in continual negative attention seeking. It is a cry for help from a person who is unable to have a "normal" relationship with another human being. Just be glad you don't live with, or close to, one of these pathetic individuals.

Posted by: ZsaZsa at September 2, 2003 at 04:34 PM

Tim Blair = Wahabi cleric,
unlike his pinko uncle Eric,
Miranda's a moll,
Hawkie's a troll,
Who's brain is more ferrous than ferric.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 2, 2003 at 04:39 PM

Damn, sorry Tim. It's too much to ask for a troll to come up with a good one like that. "Baby killer" is just so Seventies.

Posted by: Jake D at September 2, 2003 at 05:12 PM

Boy, it's so easy to push people's buttons (and get reactions). I can't believe Timbo, Bolty, Janet etc actually get PAID for it.

Posted by: thepusher at September 2, 2003 at 05:33 PM

Jealousy will get you nowhere, thepusher.

Posted by: Bob Postlethwaite-Humphrey-Jones at September 2, 2003 at 05:45 PM

Oh, come on, thepusher. Now you're just cutting and pasting. At least Big Hawk puts some effort into his repetition.

Posted by: scott h. at September 2, 2003 at 06:03 PM

names big hawk,
I'm on a roll,
i really love to work,
but i'm fond of the dole

Chip on my shoulder
a bee up my ass,
gonna foam and holler
and shout about class....

war fare man,
its a jungle out here,
seeing tim in some cammo's
(must really be queer)

Posted by: nic at September 2, 2003 at 06:11 PM

1. There was an old blogger called Timothy
Who said I'm a lover of liberty
Oh no, said the trolls
You're driven by polls
and your freedom is really just bigotry.

2. Shall I compare Tim to a summer's day?

3. Tim will say nothing but I told you so.

4. The quality of mercy is strained.

and finally:

5. Double, Double, Toil and Trouble.
Trouble! Aye, lots of trouble.
Contradictions you claim are true,
Futures you see; of kings you coo.
To Left and Centre's strong disdain,
Listen Tim to what you say
Ideas you breathe into the air:
Fair is foul and foul is fair."
For how is fair to be so foul?
Oh black and midnight trolls,
Now dress our Tim in borrowed rags,
And bring him nights of nightmare screams
Thoughts of murdering truth are his it seems.
Around his weblog cast your bait,
And wish for him his destined fate"

On that note, I'll retire at my peak.

Posted by: PoeticLicence at September 2, 2003 at 06:17 PM

you've created a monster, cuz nobody wants to

read shit no more they want blogger I'm chopped liver

well if you want blog, this is what I'll give ya

a little bit of me mixed with some hard liquor

some vodka that'll jumpstart my heart quicker than a

shock when I get shocked at the post by the blogger when I'm not wreaking

revenge when I'm rocking the line while he's attention seeking

you waited this long now stop debating cuz I'm back, I'm on the blog and fulminating

I know that you got a job Mr Who but the stuff you post is complicating

so the ABC won't let me be or let me be me so let me see

they tried to shut me down on the BBC but it feels so empty without me

so come on and blog, get off your log fuck that get off your ass and show your class

and get ready cuz this shit's about to get heavy

now this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me cuz we need a little controversy cuz it feels so empty without me ...

Posted by: pooh at September 2, 2003 at 06:43 PM

Pooh -- I was moved to tears.

Posted by: Ferg at September 2, 2003 at 06:48 PM

Oh Tim, you disappoint those of us who breathe life into the left: so easily distracted from the important issues of the day? Like prayer in parliament, or the afl, or whether pol pot was worse than hitler, or wasn't, or was, or wasn't. Topics that literally burn to be splashed across the pages of the Bulletin, or the Australian, or The AFR or any number of other serious carriages for popular discourse.

Steal my lines if you want Tim, it's obvious you're running out of ideas. We'll all understand if it somehow turns up in your column.

You aint no poet and don't i know it.

Just to show you I'm not hell-bent on repeating myself, keep up the good work Tim, without the Left your are nothing!

Love Billy

Posted by: Billy Bloggs at September 2, 2003 at 07:26 PM

What, no limericks? Can't have a poetry session without out at least one limerick.

There once was a blogger called Blair
Who had trolls posting without care
Some of their links
Had a couple of kinks
Now you're shafted, that's tough, so there.

Ok, maybe it would have been better without the limerick. I've got a Haiku. Anyone want to read my Haiku?

Posted by: Charles at September 2, 2003 at 07:37 PM

Hey, I'm just trying to raise the standard of debate in this country in the same way that Tim Blair does - by making smartarse comments.

How 'bout we move on to jokes:
What is the difference between Tim Blair and a Wahabi Cleric?
One fuels hatred by making wild generalisations about other races and religions.
The other one receives funding from Saudi Arabia...

Posted by: thepusher at September 2, 2003 at 08:04 PM

Gee Billy, for some of us the AFL and such ARE the important issues for the day.

I realise that for the SMH letters page and your good self, there are plenty of more 'important issues' such as:

1) Howard is evil etc, (for the 1000th time)....

2) Gender issues....

3) We are soooooooo racist....

4) America the bad....

each to their own mate, each to their own.

Posted by: nic at September 2, 2003 at 08:25 PM

"each to their own mate, each to their own."

Right on nic, now we're really getting somewhere.

If only more racist, sexist, Howard-loving homophobes were like you we'd have no trolls trolling timnie's backwater blogg.

But if you're looking for really independent AFL coverage I suggest Crikey. Their guy really knows his stuff.

BTW, who is "we"?

Love Billy

Posted by: Billy Bloggs at September 2, 2003 at 08:37 PM

Anyone who values the AFL over real art as endorsed by the Australia council is scum.

Posted by: Paul Keating at September 2, 2003 at 08:43 PM

Aha Billy,

see, you've come to that core conumdrum of hypocracy that represents the left:

'If only more racist, sexist, Howard-loving homophobes were like you we'd have no trolls trolling timnie's backwater blogg'

See, in leftyland everyone MUST believe in the same thing. No free speech, for that may contain some less PC thoughts eh?

its only the left that are so smug or arrogant to suggest that there are topics that should never discussed, some words that should never be uttered, and yet, its people like Tim and not the left, who are the 'brownshirts'

I suppose facism is in the eye of the beholder eh?

Posted by: nic at September 2, 2003 at 09:32 PM

Tim's trolls have all the class
Of a photo of Michael Moore's lardy fat ass
But despite all their posting
we'll give them a roasting
And uhh.. the monorail is..


Posted by: Amos at September 2, 2003 at 09:54 PM

Nic, it's your conundrum, not mine. you set up the list, and pointed the finger, I was just agreeing with you.

oh, silly me, the free-wheeling slagging off arabs, muslims, the french, women, or "fags" on this site is just a "discussion of topics" among like-minded souls. I'm so sorry for being so politically correct. I thought you were all just getting down in the gutter to pick up filth! and here you are just a bunch of well-meaning types after all.

how long do we have to hear this incessant bleating about political correctness... the evil thought police are tyring to shut down free speech? gimme a break! followers of "oppressor Tim" have all the free speech in the world. who's stopping them?

it kills me when the brownshirts start complaining about being typecast. you get what you give.

all positions are relative to one's point of view, my idea of fascism is your idea of a security blanket. so what? remember, each to their own...

lots and lots of love, the left barely needs you soldier on regardless.


Posted by: Billy Bloggs at September 2, 2003 at 10:24 PM

Post-Modern Haiku: Free Mumia! (with subtext)
by Tongue Boy

Stand up King Mumia
You big gob; ass so smoothly
Cool rage against crack'r

Posted by: Tongue Boy at September 3, 2003 at 01:31 AM

Surprise! Baghdad blitz
But no law and order
Less hard questions please
More right-wing reporters
The ABC's biased
Prone to criticism
We'd much prefer someone
Who'll swallow our jism

The US brought justice
It settled the score
And made fertile ground
For more holy war
"The UN is useless..."
The right-wingers yelp
Until things go badly...
Now they beg for help

Remember the Nazis?
They thrived on great fear
"There's evil among us"
"The evil is here"
Now Arabs are "tribal"
A sub-human level
Like back when the Jews were
"In league with the Devil"

The Arabs are worthless
For they produce tyrants
Who massacre people
Much like Martin Bryant
And hateful extremists
Like Yank "KKK"
And terrorist goons
Like Timothy McVeigh

Remember the time
We lynched those black people?
From under the shadow
Of our Churches steeple?
Now Christian is "good"
And Islam is "evil"
'Cos Christians have might
And Muslims are feeble

"OUR women have rights!"
Conservatives cry
Rights won by those lefties
That they so despise
Not so long ago
A feminist charge
Did grant girls permission
To drink in our bars

But now on the Left
They're all taking drugs
And think the world's problems
Are solved by group hugs
That's why they continue
To spout crackpot theory
Like "all men are equal"
And "judge not, lest you be..."

Home renovations
Stainless steel kitchens
Dob in a traitor
Burn all the witches
Loud you will cheer
The ASIO crew
Who drag off your neighbours
'Til one day it's you...

Now worship the flag
Don't think of a reason
For if you start thinking
They'll get you for treason
And then they'll conscript you
And send you to die
Out there in the desert
For cheap oil supply

Just follow the leader
That's all you should do
Good yes-men are there
To tell us what's true
Now go wave your flags
Like tribesmen in frenzy
Screw weaklings and concepts like

Posted by: thepusher at September 3, 2003 at 04:47 AM

Don't call us "Yanks", pusher, you ass-eating kangaroo-jockey fuckchop.

P.S. "E" for effort on the, uh, poem.

Posted by: Dylan at September 3, 2003 at 07:37 AM

Credit where it's due billy-boy, thanks. Everybody isn't bagging the french here, just me at the moment. Get it right. The rest is rubbish and not worth correcting.

Posted by: Jake D at September 3, 2003 at 11:04 AM

Excuse please, what is troll?

Posted by: Clem Snide at September 3, 2003 at 11:39 PM

A troll is someone who drinks french wine. (alt. definition)

Posted by: rabidfox at September 4, 2003 at 01:02 AM

'Don't call us "Yanks", pusher, you ass-eating kangaroo-jockey fuckchop.'

Sorry I transgressed the new right-wing code of political correctness. Any suggestions for words of one syllable meaning "US citizen" will be taken on board.

Posted by: thepusher at September 4, 2003 at 03:58 AM