August 20, 2003
James Morrow has returned to a daily blogging schedule, but tragically cannot post the brilliant blogger joke he hit me with on the phone yesterday. It is the Joke Too Cruel To Ever Be Published, For It Would Destroy Blogdom As We Know It.
Posted by Tim Blair at August 20, 2003 05:00 AM
Dammit! Now you've got my curiosity up. Tell the joke.
Tim, did you pull the same shit on your radio show? "Wow, look at this, people!"
TO: Tim Blair
RE: A Monty Python Moment
You doing that famous skit from episode 1? The world's most deadly joke....
[Laugh at yourself, join the rest of us.]
What a tease you are, Tim....Lets hear it! Also, when do we get some details/picture on the Jake fest?
Because I was born without the Tease Gene, I sometimes forget how frustrating these kinds of things are for the teaseable. Apologies, and fear not; the joke is altogether so arcane and private as to require a set-up of weeks, and is funny only to maybe three people on earth.
But to those three people ... hoo, boy!
Oops. Didn't mean that.
TO: Tim Blair
RE: The 'Joke'...
"...the joke is altogether so arcane and private as to require a set-up of weeks, and is funny only to maybe three people on earth." -- Tim Blair
...is on you.
So let those three people pass out of their misery. And any of the scholars of 'arcane' as have a wit to understand it.
[If you can't laugh at life, you're probably going about it wrong.]
I started a joke
Which started three people out of the whole world laughing ....
But I didn't see
That the joke was on me
TO: Habib Bickford
"My dog has no nose." -- Habib B.
Smells, 'awful', I'll wager....
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.
One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer.
The husband was overheard remarking to the ringmaster: "I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy,"Dats Dem".
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere",says Mick."Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's
van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place," says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of
the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'Splat!' As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the petshop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'.
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat!' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting noider..."
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the petshop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you, fockin' hengliding."
A slightly built female engineer is walking through the San Jose airport, lugging two enormous suitcases that appear to be extremely heavy. A businessman in a suit comes over and asks the lady if he can assist her with her bags. While reaching for one of the suitcases he notices the watch on her wrist.
"Say, that's an unusual looking watch," he observes as they walk out to the engineer's car. "Thanks," she replies, "I made it myself." "What does it do?" the businessman wonders. "Oh, it runs a stripped down version of Linux, connects via Bluetooth and 802.11g, sends and receives FAXes, lets me work through email on an eyeglass LCD display, holds current digitized VFR and IFR charts for my Cirrus airplane, plus a lot more."
"Wow!" says the businessman, "Can I buy it off you? I'll give you $3000." The engineer thinks for a minute and then says "Sure, I can always build myself another one." She hands over the watch and the businessman starts to walk away. She points at the two suitcases and calls out after him, "Hey, don't you want the batteries?"
John Pilger walks into the BBC canteen with a small vulture on his head; the bird is obviously diseased, with an eye missing, mange and barely a feather left on its rancid body; Robert Fisk rushes over, and exclaims " that is really hideous! Where on earth did you get it?"
The vulture replies "it just grew out of my arsehole, and no-one will touch it."
Pets are NOT allowed in the BBC canteen.
Rewrite that joke.
Pilger would starve to death if that was the case.
Michael Moore is so fat....
1.when he sits around the house, he SITS AROUND THE HOUSE.
2. he generates his own gravity.
3. he attracts sattelites.
4. he causes eclipses when outdoors.
5. he is top of Jenny Craig's "Most Wanted".
6. he on a "Frequent Eater" program with "Lard is Us".
7. he has peanuts thrown at him at the zoo.
8. he is sometimes mistaken for Phillip Adams.
9. he was going to have his stomach stapled, but Pittsburgh ran out of steel.
10. he was called "tubby" by Marlon Brando.
Today's special in the BBC canteen: Left overs.
With re-hash browns, has-beans and for dessert, red jellies.