August 06, 2003

STATE SECRET REVEALED

Shattering music news:

Carly Simon will finally reveal who's so vain to a man with major connections in the media world.

But Dick Ebersol, chairman of NBC sports and NBC Olympics, said he'll never tell once Simon divulges to him the subject of her 1972 song "You're So Vain" after a private performance in about two weeks. Ebersol won the information with a $50,000 bid in a charity auction; he also gets a lunch of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Ebersol said Simon gave him one clue about the man's identity that she said he could reveal: He has the letter "e" in his name.

Noam Chomsky is therefore ruled out. I knew I shouldn't have made that bet.

UPDATE. Perhaps in-depth analysis of the songís lyrics will yield further clues:

You walked into the party

It isnít Christopher Reeve.

Like you were walking onto a yacht

Or Robert Maxwell.

Your hat strategically dipped below one eye

Carly Simon shagged the Phantom of the freakiní Opera?

Your scarf it was apricot

Thatís got the gaydar beeping like crazy.

You had one eye in the mirror

Mullah Omar. No, wait; he doesnít have an Ďeí in his name. Peter Falk?

As you watched yourself gavotte

Er ... Michael Hutchence? Didnít he gavotte himself?

And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner

Gotta be Jim Treacher!

Posted by Tim Blair at August 6, 2003 02:31 PM
Comments

I'm betting Michael Moore- he thinks he's a journalist, thin and a bit of a spunk.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 02:34 PM

It also rules out Warron Baty and Mick Jaggar.

Posted by: Gabor at August 6, 2003 at 02:35 PM

I always thought it was Warren Beatty . . . .

Posted by: steve at August 6, 2003 at 02:52 PM

Not to mention ii cummings

Posted by: tim at August 6, 2003 at 02:52 PM

What about Reecherd Neexen?

Posted by: Charles at August 6, 2003 at 03:05 PM

And pop duo Mullu Vanulla

Posted by: scott h. at August 6, 2003 at 03:06 PM

Just realized Milli Vanilli had no e's to begin with. Too much alkeehol.

Posted by: scott h. at August 6, 2003 at 03:09 PM

Poo Woo Horman?

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 03:10 PM

Dude, who knew it was Everest Everley?

Posted by: CGeib at August 6, 2003 at 03:14 PM

If I were to sat ROD STEWART it would be a guess--but--with just a little substance behind it!

Posted by: Geoff Wickham at August 6, 2003 at 03:18 PM

Mr Ed.

Posted by: Giles at August 6, 2003 at 03:29 PM

Mr. Ed would make sense -- you know how people are always saying that couples look alike...

Posted by: Jerry at August 6, 2003 at 03:35 PM

You probably think this blog is about you.

Posted by: pooh at August 6, 2003 at 03:44 PM

Carly Simon always sounded like she had a gobful of peanut paste and had a wire hooked up to her bottom jaw whenever she sang; funnily enough she also sounded like she was being shagged by a horse as well.
Mr. Ed by the length of the straight.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 04:16 PM

Can't be Phillip Adams or David Marr...

Posted by: Jehangir at August 6, 2003 at 04:31 PM

Habib

That is a shocking thing to say about Carly Simon.

Surely, it more properly describes Carole King.

Posted by: pooh at August 6, 2003 at 04:48 PM

Bickford, you've gone too goddamned far this time, for reasons that I don't understand. Carly Simon sings fine.

I like "You're So Vain" just for that funky little bass thingy right at the beginning.

Posted by: Dylan at August 6, 2003 at 05:23 PM

Can't have been Wilbur Post.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 05:47 PM

Beel Cleenton.

Posted by: Indole Ring at August 6, 2003 at 05:51 PM

William Jefferson Clinton?

Posted by: Bruce at August 6, 2003 at 05:53 PM

On second thoughts, it can't be Michael Moore- he wouldn't need a private jet plane to catch a total eclipse of the sun, he causes them every time he steps outside in daylight.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 07:37 PM

The "You had one eye in the mirror" suggests one of Chopper Reid's "customers", but on the other hand the apricot scarf suggests Doctor Who during his Tom Baker incarnation.

Posted by: Clem Snide at August 6, 2003 at 10:23 PM

I thought it was Warren Beatty too. As for the ``apricot'' scarf, I think Carly just needed something to rhyme with ``yacht''.

And isn't it ``You had one eye in the mirror/As you watched yourself go by''?

Posted by: AdaKizi at August 6, 2003 at 10:46 PM

I've re-thought the exclusion of Mike Moore- he may have had access to a private jet plane if he has room in his blimp hangar for an Antonov, "your horse naturally won"- you bet it did, because it knew that the owner would eat it if it didn't, and the clincher- "clouds in your coffee"; given the size of the bastard, his coffee mug would have to be a size that warm fluids contained in the oceanic sized vessel could in fact generate their own weather systems.
(But how about "be your girlfriend"- there would have to be a crane involved.)
(And he would HAVE to be vain to have never done anything about his appearance).

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 10:53 PM

Another re-think; "walking onto a yacht"- it would have to be the Globtik Tokyo, and "flew on up to Nova Scotia"- he would have never survived; the Newfies would have thought a blue whale had washed up, and taken to the fat sod with flensing knives.
Back to Mr. Ed.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at August 6, 2003 at 10:57 PM

James Taylor?

Posted by: CraigL at August 7, 2003 at 12:23 AM

AdaKizi,

I had always thought it was "go 'bout" but then I looked up the lyrics, and what do you know it rhymes with apricot and yacht anyway.

Posted by: Gabor at August 7, 2003 at 12:48 AM

Apricot scarf... Ralph Furley?

Posted by: BH at August 7, 2003 at 01:32 AM

The real point is that if you're a horse and you can talk, it would not be unreasonable to think that there would be a song about you.

so the real question is whether Mr Ed was so vain or justifiably proud of how he had overcome the disadvantages of his birth as a braying ruminant to being a famous, walking talking wit, funnnier than, even tim blair.

See, there's a social question in every post.

Posted by: Giles at August 7, 2003 at 01:39 AM

GEE...I was thinking Ellen Degenerate...what was I thinking?!!

Posted by: WUNDERKIND54 at August 7, 2003 at 08:16 AM

Maybe I should think about this. Uhm. Ok, every time I walked on to yatch I had to hold to arm rails and jump down to the deck grabbing something momentarily for balance. So who goes into a party like that? Obviously someone who is drunk before hand.

Ted Kennedy!

Or maybe the Old Spice guy.

Posted by: Charles at August 7, 2003 at 02:30 PM

Are we certain it wasn't Piss Pisstofferson?

Posted by: Teal Marie at August 8, 2003 at 05:47 AM

Fredie from Scooby Doo.

Posted by: james at August 8, 2003 at 06:49 AM

I was going to say, "Apricot scarf? It's Elton John."

But then I looked up the definition of gavotte: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=gavotte

It could only be Dominique Galouzeau. You probably know him as Dominique "de Villepin." (And, it must be added:) who is a man.

Posted by: mommydoc at August 11, 2003 at 03:29 PM