December 11, 2004

HANDY HOUSEHOLD TIPS

Jim Treacher, whose nation still believes in the outmoded and barbaric concept of "not allowing oneself to be killed by burglars", offers some useful advice to the besieged British:

Hit the intruder's fists, knees, elbows, and feet with your face, ribcage, and genitals. This will subtly wear him down and require him to stop for a glass of water.

On a related note, robbery is thirsty work, and a parched burglar is an angry burglar. If all you've got is tap water, you're just asking for trouble. Try to keep a wide selection of beverages on hand at all times, just in case. This will subtly lull your new friend into a false sense of comfort and good cheer, giving you the chance to crawl out of the room for a change of underwear before the smell requires him to punish you further.

Refer to the home-invader as "massuh." This will impose a subtle feeling of guilt on the misguided victim of society, causing him to pause briefly for self-reflection in the course of upending your laundry room for hidden jewelry or drugs. In another 30-60 years, he will die of natural causes and cease all criminal activity.

Many wealth-redistributors are atheist or agnostic, as is their right. Try to avoid offending your guest with thoughtless phrases such as "Please, God, help me," "Oh Christ, I can't feel my legs," or "Jesus, Jesus, there's so much blood."

If at all possible, prevent the problem entirely by not living indoors. No home = No possibility of home invasion! Divest yourself of all personal possessions and take up a crimefree outdoor urban lifestyle.

Please vote for Jim in the soon-to-conclude Weblog Awards. Vote or die, as Sean Combs or a home invader with an overdeveloped sense of civic participation might say.

Posted by Tim Blair at December 11, 2004 12:11 PM
Comments

Hmmm ... seems this genius disagrees with the principles of aircraft/building/... evacuation procedures ... life comes before mere possessions (i.e. leave the crap behind) ... you don't have to be a lefty to see the merit in that principle.
Wonder if he's interviewed cops re what it's like to be in a 'Mexican standoff' with an intruder re guts to pull the trigger (with minimal/no training).

Posted by: Egg at December 11, 2004 at 12:26 PM

While "Many wealth-redistributors are atheist or agnostic," is quite true, the three times that I have been majorly (majorly?? hmmm) riped off, it was by people who were quite vocal about their christianity. So just because your unexpected quests are wearing a cross on a chain around their necks, or a tatoo of "Jesus Loves Me" on their arm, don't get your hopes up about your chances for minimal cuts, bruises, and puntures.

Posted by: Franklin at December 11, 2004 at 12:28 PM

No no no, vote THEN die. A long time from now, I hope!

Posted by: Jim Treacher at December 11, 2004 at 12:30 PM

Jim Treacher can use your help in getting himself syndicated in the British/Australian press. Let's take up donations to get him an airline ticket so he can interview.

Posted by: John at December 11, 2004 at 12:42 PM

"In most cases the best form of defence is always avoidance. If this isn't possible, act passively, be careful what you say or do, and give up valuables without a struggle. This allows the victim to take charge of the situation, without the intruder's awareness, through subtle and non-confrontational means."

Right. Doing what the intruder says gives the victim control.

What planet do these morons live on? How do they come up with this twisted logic?

Posted by: Jim C. at December 11, 2004 at 01:25 PM

What planet do these morons live on?
planet moondope.

How do they come up with this twisted logic?
inbreeding...

Posted by: guinsPen at December 11, 2004 at 01:39 PM

And while you are at it, vote for The Gleeson Bloglomerate in the Just-About-Bottom-of-the-Barrel category. It's the blog Jim Treacher is about to endorse!

Forgive the intrusion, but I received word that a high-traffic liberal website is preparing to spend all weekend targeting me for defeat. They figure I'll be a pushover. But I say, you can't push me over unless you can push all my mates over too! Am I right, mates? Who's with me?

Hello? Mates?

For Aussies who can't get enough provincial American humor about Ed Murrow's Ghost and Encyclopedia Brown, you simply can't beat Gleeson! I'm barely holding my own against a humorless leftist, and need my friends in the ANZUS community to rally to my banner.

Posted by: Sean Gleeson at December 11, 2004 at 01:41 PM

alas poor anzac, we knew thee well...

Posted by: guinsPen at December 11, 2004 at 01:46 PM

could we turn tables on the brits, select a town or a shire & bombard them with advise on how to deal with thieves?
thus repaying kindness of guardian readers in kind ;-)

Posted by: dries at December 11, 2004 at 01:46 PM

p.s. blame canada

Posted by: guinsPen at December 11, 2004 at 01:47 PM

No no, instead fight for the right to give those criminals the weapons they use to kill you.

Posted by: Frank at December 11, 2004 at 02:02 PM

Ah, yes. The good old "when rape is inevitable lie back and enjoy it" philosphy of criminal justice. And if you can't resist, it's always inevitable! Enjoyment for everyone!

And thus begins a glorious new age of nonviolence and social justice.

Posted by: Bryan C at December 11, 2004 at 02:15 PM

"Dr Ian Stephen is an Honorary Lecturer (Forensic Psychology) at Glasgow Caledonian University and has worked in a number of prisons with long-term prisoners and young offenders."

I think the quack...I mean, the Doctor...has been hypnotized by his "patients" in the prisons..."You will go forth and turn homeowners into willing, passive sheep who will bend over before us...."

Posted by: rinardman at December 11, 2004 at 02:45 PM

i haint votin' fer ya preacher! you can jess go on ahead and make yer web-site thingamegummi a shrine to sponge-mike sweat-pants moore fer all i care!

Posted by: Cletus Coltrane at December 11, 2004 at 03:02 PM

Replace "intruder" with "fire" and see how it reads ... seems when a human is involved, it's all about control ...

Posted by: Egg at December 11, 2004 at 04:55 PM

"Jim Treacher can use your help in getting himself syndicated in the British/Australian press. Let's take up donations to get him an airline ticket so he can interview."

If you just want to send me the money directly, I promise to spend it on things that will cause me to fly.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at December 11, 2004 at 06:36 PM

As they used to say, "Close your eyes and think of England."

Posted by: Sean M. at December 11, 2004 at 09:02 PM

Yeah, yeah. Though in fact you have the right to kill burglars in England. The prosecution would have to prove beyond reasonable doubt that it was not self-defence. That guy who was convicted of manslaughter a couple of years had stabbed the burglar twelve times in the back, otherwise he'd have got away with it.

Britain is one of the most violent countries in the world, but this has little to do with it.

Posted by: Harry Hutton at December 12, 2004 at 12:45 AM

Harry Hutton: "Yeah, yeah. Though in fact you have the right to kill burglars in England. The prosecution would have to prove beyond reasonable doubt that it was not self-defence."

Then why are there people in the UK working so hard to get this Common Law right BACK?

"Britain is one of the most violent countries in the world, but this has little to do with it."

You're absolutely positive about that? You shouldn't be. All indications are that it is illegal to defend property in the UK, and that you can find yourself in court if a criminal gets injured on your property. This sort of nonsense was starting to get common in the US until numerous local judges made decisions that rendered it illegal for criminals to profit from their crimes. So not only is the original crime illegal in most places, so is suing if some idjit burglar falls through your skylight and hurts himself.

Posted by: mamapajamas at December 12, 2004 at 03:03 AM

“All indications are that it is illegal to defend property in the UK...”

This idea is based on a couple of high profile cases, in particular the Tony Martin case. But Martin wasn't convicted for defending his property but because he shot the burglar in the back as he was running away. As a matter of fact, I didn't think his conviction was reasonable either, but I am certain that Britain’s high crime rate isn’t caused by people being reluctant to tackle criminals because they fear arrest by Loony Left Police Officers. The law lets you use a “reasonable” amount of force. If a burglar comes to your house you can hit him over the head with a chair, but you cannot tie him up and tip scalding water on his nuts (I seem to recall this happening about a decade ago.) I imagine the law in Australia is the same.

The huge rise in crime in the 20th century was a global phenomenon affecting the entire industrialised world. Even in New Zealand violent crime increased by several hundred percent. It has nothing to do with householders being prosecuted for defending themselves. And I doubt that the recent fall in crime in the US was due to Americans shooting burglars at a greater rate than previously.

Posted by: Harry Hutton at December 12, 2004 at 03:47 AM

If a burglar comes to your house you can hit him over the head with a chair, but you cannot tie him up and tip scalding water on his nuts

Sure I can. Then I can wipe up the water, untie him, and let him prove in court in front of me and all my witnesses that he didn't have those scalded nuts before he came to my house.

Posted by: Rebecca at December 12, 2004 at 04:02 AM

"If a burglar comes to your house you can hit him over the head with a chair, but you cannot tie him up and tip scalding water on his nuts"

How about soup?

Posted by: Jim Treacher at December 12, 2004 at 04:10 AM

Soup? Ah, there you have me. You'll have to ask a lawyer.

Posted by: Harry Hutton at December 12, 2004 at 04:28 AM