November 08, 2004


Puce has made it to Ohio, where he's endearing himself to local residents:

I am "posting" this at the request of a young man named Puce Parchesceau. He is standing over my shoulder as I type this into the screen. My name is Claire Northpine, and since 1957 I have been employed by the public library in Northpine, Ohio. (Yes, I am a descendant of the founder of our little town, but that is a story I have neither the time nor inclination to convey at present.) Young Mr. Parchesceau has become a fixture here at the Northpine Public Library, which became less of a problem after I took him into my home and instructed him in American bathing practices.

As near as I can come to fathoming his strange speech, he wants everyone on the "Web" to know that he is doing well, both physically and, to the extent possible, mentally. He does walk with a limp, the result of an unfortunate incident with a Coca-Cola truck in the course of his journeys. (Again, I am extrapolating this explanation from what he has attempted to convey to me. His accent does not seem to emanate from any country with which I am familiar, although it does sound vaguely Eastern European.)

Now he's become accustomed to living indoors, how will Puce re-adapt to life at Treacher's?

Posted by Tim Blair at November 8, 2004 10:35 PM

With any luck, we won't have to find out.

I don't know what that old c*** is talking about, but I never abused that kid. I did the best I could. Here in America we use toilets, and if she's better at teaching him such things than I am, more power to her.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at November 8, 2004 at 11:24 PM

Well I for one am releaved. I was so worried about Puce!

Posted by: Andrea Harris at November 9, 2004 at 01:08 AM

There's no telling what habits Puce will pick up in Northpine, Ohio. Library ladies notwithstanding, it is Jesusland.

Child welfare services will be visiting Treacher's shortly.

Posted by: Rebecca at November 9, 2004 at 01:12 AM

Hide the firehose, Treach...

Posted by: mojo at November 9, 2004 at 02:12 AM

Oh, like you guys don't have a phonebook in your house. And you've never accidentally dropped it on somebody 40 or 50 times. Glass houses, people.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at November 9, 2004 at 02:33 AM

For some reason, in my head I've always heard Puce's posts as being in a sort of Donald Duck voice.

Posted by: Combustible Boy at November 9, 2004 at 02:53 AM

Is Puce a made-up character of Treacher's mocking the left or was he a real, psychotic one-time troll that got banned?

I want in on the joke!!

Posted by: Lydia at November 9, 2004 at 03:19 AM

Hmmm... Is Northpine anywhere near Chagrin Falls?...

Posted by: mojo at November 9, 2004 at 04:16 AM

Mojo. Closer to Irony Gap, I think.

Posted by: YoJimbo at November 9, 2004 at 05:02 AM

But does she know why he's there?

Posted by: gubbaboy at November 9, 2004 at 06:26 AM

Sounds like she doesn't even know what century it is. Look, can we just drop this?

Posted by: Jim Treacher at November 9, 2004 at 07:49 AM

Hey, you're the one who posted the letter, pal. Don't bitch us out just 'cause we read it.

And I was serious about hiding the firehose. Remember, she's probably got that dog-collar off the little jerk by now, and it has your address on it... Can a visit from CPS be far off?

Posted by: mojo at November 9, 2004 at 08:02 AM

... clients, The Good Weekend Magazine (The Age and Sydney Morning Herald) wish to contact Mr Puce for discussions on cover design ...

Posted by: Fabian Hammer at November 9, 2004 at 09:06 AM

Since 1957? The image of Old Clair and Puce in the throes of bathing instruction is enough to blow your Dewey Decimal System wide open.

Posted by: Crazy Chester at November 9, 2004 at 10:34 AM

Claire's Stricken Librarian writing style needs a dose of Strunk and White. What the hell would a "fortunate" incident with a Coca Cola truck look like? She has "neither the time nor inclination to convey" the fact that she is descended from the town's founder, after she tells us she's a descendant of the town's founder.

Unless Puce can levitate, how can he be "standing over her shoulder"? Is he upstairs? How does an accent "emanate"? She "fathoms" his "strange speech" and he ends up sounding like a vaguely Eastern European William Jennings Bryan.

And finally, does one American bath make Puce "less of a problem" in the musty hallways of Northpine Library? What did she wash him with? Why does he stay? Maybe the upstairs gallery has glass-block floors which serve as viewing windows up Ms. Northpine's skirt? Who knows? I wouldn't hang around Claire for thirty seconds, and no self-respecting first-grader should either.

Puce and Claire are the perfect emblems of the American Library Association.

Posted by: Rhod at November 9, 2004 at 10:50 AM

Jim Treacher. Mojo is correct. You broke it so you bought it.

Posted by: YoJImbo at November 9, 2004 at 11:17 AM

Well, she IS a Red Stater, after all. Wait, why am I defending her? You're damn right she's an idiot! An idiot WHO MAKES FALSE ACCUSATIONS.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at November 9, 2004 at 01:23 PM

False accusations? You mean about the bath?

Posted by: Michael Lonie at November 9, 2004 at 03:41 PM

Reminds me of that Bad Boy Bubby with Salvo Army lass scene. "Jesus is my special friend "

Posted by: Dan at November 10, 2004 at 01:06 AM