October 15, 2004

SPINAL PROGRAM ANNOUNCED

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) -- Stung by allegations his administration has done little to advance spinal-damage research, President George W. Bush today announced a $10 billion government program to study the very latest initiatives in spinal care.

At the center of the study will be what the president described as a "breakthrough" in "pre-trauma spinal-maintenence therapy". Essentially, as explained by the president, this involves "telling people not to get on big stupid animals and try jumping them over stuff."

"I mean, hey," said the president, standing before a chart demonstrating the relative sizes of a show-jumping horse and a standard showbusiness human. "You want me to do all this stem-cell science. How about you donít get on the damn horse in the first place?"

Several million dollars from the program have been earmarked for a door-to-door education campaign in the nationís wealthiest areas, where horse ownership and related spinal injuries are rampant.

"Turns out a lot of folks get on these enormous, witless critters and then - get this - try to make 'em bounce over walls and hedges and such," said the president. "My panel of experts tell me this is no way to maintain viable spinal integrity."

In a demonstration illustrating the potency of Bush's claims, a sack of kittens equivalent in weight to a standard showbusiness identity was elevated to a height approximating that of the rider of a leaping horse and then dashed to the ground. Fewer than half the kittens survived without injury, and all were subsequently killed when a weight equal to that of a mature horse was dropped upon the writhing, howling sack.

"See?" said the president, holding aloft a bloodied, lifeless tabby. "Stem cells ainít going to do much for this little guy."

Posted by Tim Blair at October 15, 2004 03:17 AM
Comments

I wish someone wd tell Michael J. Fox to lobby Canada.

Posted by: julie at October 15, 2004 at 04:00 AM

I am genuinely torn and guilty about laughing at this.

On the one hand, I like cats.

On the other hand, my ex-wife is a show-jumping enthusiast.

Posted by: F451 at October 15, 2004 at 04:25 AM

Oh. My. God.

That was fucking hysterical!

Posted by: NukemHill at October 15, 2004 at 04:48 AM

Cat hater here. Fine with it.

Posted by: Big Johnny at October 15, 2004 at 04:54 AM

You know, in cruel hilarity that ranks right up there with the anti-famine program proposed by the late Sam Kinison.

Posted by: JPS at October 15, 2004 at 05:07 AM

I laughed, and now my cat would like to have a quiet word or two with you, Mr. Blair.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at October 15, 2004 at 05:15 AM

Coffee, nose, keyboard, etc.

Posted by: Dave S. at October 15, 2004 at 06:06 AM

Best chuckle of my day...

Posted by: Mark A at October 15, 2004 at 07:34 AM

So, Tim. When are you and Billy Connolly going on tour? Cuz, I want the tickety-boo, ya know.

craig

Posted by: craig mclaughlin at October 15, 2004 at 08:32 AM

I like cats. I just can't eat a whole one at a single sitting.

Posted by: joe bagadonuts at October 15, 2004 at 08:59 AM

Does Frank J. know you're stealing his material?

Posted by: Big Dog at October 15, 2004 at 09:03 AM

A poet falls off a horse, in the course of a rant against newspapers and The New York Metropolitan Museum of Art Vicki Hearne .

Posted by: Ron Hardin at October 15, 2004 at 09:48 AM

It is true that George Bush he killed Superman? That George he must be VERR strong!

Posted by: Drago at October 15, 2004 at 12:33 PM

But Tim!

You forget his most heavily funded program on cerebrospinal medicine...

The attempt to either implant or transplant spines into Europe and the Democratic Party!

The Aussies turned out not to need one.

Posted by: John at October 15, 2004 at 01:08 PM

I'd love to comment but my cat loving daughter will kill me
oh my------------

Posted by: Rose at October 15, 2004 at 01:41 PM

Laffin!! Just; frig'n laff'n.....?

Posted by: DNAZ at October 15, 2004 at 02:17 PM

"And if you fall off the horse onto the cat and break your spine, don't come running to me!"

Posted by: Mark from Monroe at October 16, 2004 at 12:03 AM

Holy crap! CBS News should be all over this! Forged film of crushed kitties at 11...

Posted by: tree hugging sister at October 16, 2004 at 01:02 AM

*wince*

I'm torn between laughing and hissing in rage. I like cats. Now if it had been dogs or some other indeterminate animal, I'd have had no beef with it. :-)

Posted by: Lashlar at October 16, 2004 at 09:39 AM

Believe it or not, I sailed over the head of a fine Arabian stallion not one week after the unfortunate Mr Reeves had his accident.

I walked with a cane for four months, and was actually happy to keep ice on my (may i say testicles?) for three weeks.

I haven't done anything but trail riding since then.

Posted by: Bobby at October 16, 2004 at 02:29 PM