October 08, 2004

HAT MAN

It's a global (con)test:

Some of Kerry's weirdest gaffes have come as a result of him telling magazines about some exploit of his that particularly suits that source. In Field and Stream, it's Kerry's encounter with a 16-point buck. In Runner's World, it's his first Boston Marathon. When contacted by the Humane Society, he told them the VC the Flying Dog story.

Beginning to see the pattern? Okay, here's the contest. Come up with a John Kerry submission to some magazine, real or imaginary, about some rather incredible incident that Kerry "experienced" that would be of interest to that magazine's readers.

I'm surprised Kerry hasnít already been interviewed by The Hat magazine:

The Hat: Thank you for joining us, Senator. Before we get to your strong - if evasive, two-faced, and pandering - views on the current administration's hat policy, we understand you have a favourite magical hat. Perhaps you could ...

Kerry: Who told you? My friends don't know about this.

The Hat: We have our sources. I notice youíre reaching into a black attache case there and retrieving something ... something frayed. Mildewy. Fading. A hat!

Kerry: My good luck hat.

The Hat: No kidding! Man, this is awesome!

Kerry: Given to me by a CIA guy as we went in for a special mission in Cambodia.

The Hat: This is so cool! Itís totally genuine-looking. Itís got ... hey, wait a minute. Senator, this label says the hat was made by Foxwell & Moon, and theyíve only been making hats since 1994. Wasnít the war in Cambodia like in the 1980s or something? And, looking slightly more closely, this seems to be a womanís hat, with feathers all in it. Mr. Kerry, if this is some kind of fake hat scam, weíll have to ...

Kerry minder: This interview is terminated. You have two minutes to leave before we call the Rottweilers. Three minutes, we call Teresa.

Posted by Tim Blair at October 8, 2004 03:57 AM
Comments

Bicycling Magazine: So, Senator, we understand that you own a few custom Serotta road bikes?

JFK: Why, yes, I do. I toured all over Europe on those bikes. I even beat Eddy Merckx in the 1966 Paris-Roubaix race before I went to Vietnam.

Posted by: Roger Bournival at October 8, 2004 at 04:13 AM

Knitting Magazine: So, Senator, we understand knitting is a favorite way for you to relax?

Kerry: Hell yeah! I knitted my way through Vietnam.

Posted by: Dr Alice at October 8, 2004 at 04:41 AM

They're wrong about VC the Flying Dog. I have proof.

Posted by: Ken Summers at October 8, 2004 at 04:43 AM

Hmmmmm.....given a choice between Rotweillers and Teresa, I'll take the attack dogs!

Posted by: The Real JeffS at October 8, 2004 at 04:50 AM

A sneak peek of next month's Car and Driver...

JK: "My first new car was a bitchin' Datsun 280ZX. When I was serving in Vietnam, I drove it everywhere."

C&D: "The 280ZX didn't come out until after the war ended."

JK: "How dare you question my patriotism?"

Posted by: Damian P. at October 8, 2004 at 04:55 AM

TIME Magazine:

TM: Senator Kerry, I'm Tony Karon with TIME Magazine. I've got a few questions for y--

JK: Ah, yes, TIME. You know, I've got a Rolex watch. Given to me by General Westmorton while I was on special forces duty under his command. Secret stuff, all hush-hush. I was in Vietnam, you know.

TM: Actually,--

JK: The French make a great watch, don't they?

Posted by: david at October 8, 2004 at 05:19 AM

Kerry reminds me of no one so much as Mary Stuart who, when asked to defend herself against charges of plotting with BOthwell to murder her husband, King Darnley, said that she would not stoop to answer such charges, being a queen and all.

She still has her idiot defenders to this day.

Posted by: ushie at October 8, 2004 at 06:01 AM

Kerry reminds me of no one so much as Mary Stuart who, when asked to defend herself against charges of plotting with Bothwell to murder her husband, King Darnley, said that she would not stoop to answer such charges, being a queen and all.

She still has her idiot defenders to this day.

Posted by: ushie at October 8, 2004 at 06:02 AM

So it didn't want me to post, then it posted twice. Dang computers.

Posted by: ushie at October 8, 2004 at 06:03 AM

I know there's a High Times joke, but it's been so long since I've smoked and I don't know the current terms.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at October 8, 2004 at 06:05 AM

Er, Jim: neither does Kerry.

High Times: So, Senator, what are your views on the War on [Some] Drugs?

Kerry: Well, that's a very nuanced question. Many of my band of brothers in Vietnam smoked reefer. So it was '69; I was stationed in Phnom Penh. Charlie had us pinned down near Hue. All that kept me going was some Laotian Gold we got in Saigon.[*]

HT: I must say it's refreshing to hear such honest talk from a candidate.

Kerry: Well, don't misunderstand me. I never inhaled.

[*]Line stolen from MST3K's version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Posted by: Angie Schultz at October 8, 2004 at 06:25 AM

Who was King Darnley? Surely you mean Lord Darnley or somesuch.

Posted by: chuck at October 8, 2004 at 07:36 AM

Penthouse Letters:
...and that was when it became clear that these sixty-five lesbian midgets were all that stood between me and legend...

Posted by: W. at October 8, 2004 at 07:48 AM

Air & Space Magazine: Senator, can you summarize your attitude about manned space exploration in the 21st century?

Kerry: Well, first of all let me tell you that I remember well the day that the explosive bolts on Laika's capsule blew and the poor dog landed on my Mercury capsule. I was able to give her mouth-to-mouth and save her life, but the grim pocketa-pocketa-pocketa of those bolts blowing is seared -seared - in my memory.

Posted by: Dave S. at October 8, 2004 at 08:36 AM

Asimov's Science Fiction magazine: Now Senator, the President has criticized you on your vote on the $87 billion appropriations bill...

Kerry: Now let me just make one thing clear, when I said "I voted for it before I voted against it", what had happened was that I had travelled through time. My first vote, the vote for it, created a parallel alternate universe of unspeakable horror. That vote lead to the crushing of a butterfly which led to, well it's a long story but suffice it to say it was bad. I went back in time to put right what once went wrong. I know it sounds strange, but it's the truth. The American people need a President who they can trust to navigate the swirly mists of time. We need to pass not just the Global Test, but the Intergalactic Test, and make allies on the globe and elsewhere... or elsewhen...

Posted by: dorkafork at October 8, 2004 at 09:55 AM

In TRAINS magazine:
"The Union Pacific's 4000 series Big Boys were a mighty locomotive. I wouldn't have designed any other."

Posted by: bc at October 8, 2004 at 10:01 AM

To NATURE magazine:
"I don't have any clothes, these are the family clothes."

Posted by: Craig Mc at October 8, 2004 at 10:17 AM

Now here is what really happened. Our boat hit a submerged mine and blew our beloved dog mascot sixty feet into the air, it landed on the deck of the following boat. It was only the Laotian gold that kept us going in times like this.

Posted by: Paulm at October 8, 2004 at 10:27 AM

Easyriders Magazine: "I remember when I met Theresa on the Sturgis Run. She was standing there by the offramp in her daisy dukes and her engineer boots and a big ole smile and that was it, man, I shit you not...

Posted by: Richard McEnroe at October 8, 2004 at 11:26 AM

To 2600 Hacker Quarterly:
"1968? - yes, that's when I phreaked Nixon's PC and downloaded all those mp3s of his conversations."

Posted by: Craig Mc at October 8, 2004 at 12:10 PM

What if it isn't really a hat at all. Perhaps it's a boa constrictor swallowing an elephant.

Posted by: Tom at October 8, 2004 at 04:49 PM

"Er, Jim: neither does Kerry."

Right, but the High Times dude would.

Posted by: Jim Treacher at October 8, 2004 at 05:01 PM

To FLIGHT JOURNAL magazine:

"That's right, I drove over 300 hours in those Delta Darts, and let me tell you they were a rich widow to control."

Posted by: Craig Mc at October 8, 2004 at 07:50 PM

BBQ Magazine
I remember cookin a fanatastic steak. It was in cambodia christmas 1967 and Nixon ordered me to drive the USS Brinkley down the river into Cambodia. It was really rare, there was blood on the deck - so I got a purple heart. It was seared in my memory.

Posted by: Rob Wallace at October 8, 2004 at 09:51 PM

Guitar Player Magazine,

'Well I did jam with Hendrix once, though there's only a bootleg of a few minutes of tape. Jim Morrison used the rest to tie off his arm...'

The other bit of Kerry's fantasy world is how he incorporates movies into his 'seared' memories:

Classical Music Review:

'The only piece of music I know well is the Ride of the Valkyries. We had a commander used to play it flying into battle... I can still smell the napalm in the morning...'

Posted by: Om at October 9, 2004 at 12:20 AM