Tim Blair

Bicycling Magazine: So, Senator, we understand that you own a few custom Serotta road bikes?

JFK: Why, yes, I do. I toured all over Europe on those bikes. I even beat Eddy Merckx in the 1966 Paris-Roubaix race before I went to Vietnam.

Knitting Magazine: So, Senator, we understand knitting is a favorite way for you to relax?

Kerry: Hell yeah! I knitted my way through Vietnam.

They're wrong about VC the Flying Dog. I have proof.

Hmmmmm.....given a choice between Rotweillers and Teresa, I'll take the attack dogs!

A sneak peek of next month's Car and Driver...

JK: "My first new car was a bitchin' Datsun 280ZX. When I was serving in Vietnam, I drove it everywhere."

C&D: "The 280ZX didn't come out until after the war ended."

JK: "How dare you question my patriotism?"

TIME Magazine:

TM: Senator Kerry, I'm Tony Karon with TIME Magazine. I've got a few questions for y--

JK: Ah, yes, TIME. You know, I've got a Rolex watch. Given to me by General Westmorton while I was on special forces duty under his command. Secret stuff, all hush-hush. I was in Vietnam, you know.

TM: Actually,--

JK: The French make a great watch, don't they?

Kerry reminds me of no one so much as Mary Stuart who, when asked to defend herself against charges of plotting with BOthwell to murder her husband, King Darnley, said that she would not stoop to answer such charges, being a queen and all.

She still has her idiot defenders to this day.

Kerry reminds me of no one so much as Mary Stuart who, when asked to defend herself against charges of plotting with Bothwell to murder her husband, King Darnley, said that she would not stoop to answer such charges, being a queen and all.

She still has her idiot defenders to this day.

So it didn't want me to post, then it posted twice. Dang computers.

I know there's a High Times joke, but it's been so long since I've smoked and I don't know the current terms.

Er, Jim: neither does Kerry.

High Times: So, Senator, what are your views on the War on [Some] Drugs?

Kerry: Well, that's a very nuanced question. Many of my band of brothers in Vietnam smoked reefer. So it was '69; I was stationed in Phnom Penh. Charlie had us pinned down near Hue. All that kept me going was some Laotian Gold we got in Saigon.[*]

HT: I must say it's refreshing to hear such honest talk from a candidate.

Kerry: Well, don't misunderstand me. I never inhaled.

[*]Line stolen from MST3K's version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

Who was King Darnley? Surely you mean Lord Darnley or somesuch.

Penthouse Letters:
...and that was when it became clear that these sixty-five lesbian midgets were all that stood between me and legend...

Air & Space Magazine: Senator, can you summarize your attitude about manned space exploration in the 21st century?

Kerry: Well, first of all let me tell you that I remember well the day that the explosive bolts on Laika's capsule blew and the poor dog landed on my Mercury capsule. I was able to give her mouth-to-mouth and save her life, but the grim pocketa-pocketa-pocketa of those bolts blowing is seared -seared - in my memory.

Asimov's Science Fiction magazine: Now Senator, the President has criticized you on your vote on the $87 billion appropriations bill...

Kerry: Now let me just make one thing clear, when I said "I voted for it before I voted against it", what had happened was that I had travelled through time. My first vote, the vote for it, created a parallel alternate universe of unspeakable horror. That vote lead to the crushing of a butterfly which led to, well it's a long story but suffice it to say it was bad. I went back in time to put right what once went wrong. I know it sounds strange, but it's the truth. The American people need a President who they can trust to navigate the swirly mists of time. We need to pass not just the Global Test, but the Intergalactic Test, and make allies on the globe and elsewhere... or elsewhen...

In TRAINS magazine:
"The Union Pacific's 4000 series Big Boys were a mighty locomotive. I wouldn't have designed any other."

To NATURE magazine:
"I don't have any clothes, these are the family clothes."

Now here is what really happened. Our boat hit a submerged mine and blew our beloved dog mascot sixty feet into the air, it landed on the deck of the following boat. It was only the Laotian gold that kept us going in times like this.

Easyriders Magazine: "I remember when I met Theresa on the Sturgis Run. She was standing there by the offramp in her daisy dukes and her engineer boots and a big ole smile and that was it, man, I shit you not...

To 2600 Hacker Quarterly:
"1968? - yes, that's when I phreaked Nixon's PC and downloaded all those mp3s of his conversations."

What if it isn't really a hat at all. Perhaps it's a boa constrictor swallowing an elephant.

"Er, Jim: neither does Kerry."

Right, but the High Times dude would.

To FLIGHT JOURNAL magazine:

"That's right, I drove over 300 hours in those Delta Darts, and let me tell you they were a rich widow to control."

BBQ Magazine
I remember cookin a fanatastic steak. It was in cambodia christmas 1967 and Nixon ordered me to drive the USS Brinkley down the river into Cambodia. It was really rare, there was blood on the deck - so I got a purple heart. It was seared in my memory.

Guitar Player Magazine,

'Well I did jam with Hendrix once, though there's only a bootleg of a few minutes of tape. Jim Morrison used the rest to tie off his arm...'

The other bit of Kerry's fantasy world is how he incorporates movies into his 'seared' memories:

Classical Music Review:

'The only piece of music I know well is the Ride of the Valkyries. We had a commander used to play it flying into battle... I can still smell the napalm in the morning...'