September 16, 2004

THE WORLD WOULD BE SAFER IF ...

Joshua Micah Marshall issues a request:

Kerry needs a catch phrase or catch question about the Iraq war, one that provides offense against President Bush's oft-stated, extremely lame, but also somewhat effective line that the world is safer with Saddam Hussein out of power.

Suggestions:

The world would be safer if Saddam Hussein was President of the United States!

The world would be safer if Uday and Qusay were still alive and raping!

The world would be safer if it was a Nerf ball!

The world would be safer if John Kerry activated his Magic Hat!

The world would be safer if Teresa didnt keep finding the keys to the medicine cabinet!

The world would be safer if everybody was friendly!

The world would be safer if I wasnt so brooding and sad!

UPDATE. More, from LGF:

The world would be safer if ... Osama bin Laden had been born a woman!

The world would be safer if ... John Kerry stayed off the bike path!

The world would be safer if ... there werent so many asteroids!

UPDATE II. And yet more suggested Kerry slogans from Iowahawk in comments:

The Thinking Man's Self-Confessed War Criminal

Vote For Me or My Running Mate Will Sue

Those Atrocity Stories? Man, I Was Just Shitting You

I Will Do For You the Many Things I Did For Massachusetts

Fear Not, America, I Have Deigned to Lead You

I Will Never Recuse My UN Ambassador from the Decision to Ask for a Permission Slip to Defend This Country

Posted by Tim Blair at September 16, 2004 06:32 AM
Comments

Let's be realistic, this is John Kerry we're talking about: The world would be safer if I engaged in a legitimate effort to try to really transform the ability of the world to find a legitimate way to be safer.

Posted by: Rob Bernard at September 16, 2004 at 06:43 AM

"If the world's so safe, why are you so angry?"

Posted by: Jim Treacher at September 16, 2004 at 06:51 AM

The world would be safer if those stupid Americans would just believe Dan's memos were real.

Posted by: Brent at September 16, 2004 at 06:57 AM

Two evil regimes deposed in four years! Only one hundred and thirty seven to go, and they'll be just as easy.

Posted by: Alan Green at September 16, 2004 at 07:02 AM

John Kerry: The world would be safer if the French grew a backbone, I picked a position and stuck to it, and pigs flew.

Posted by: Rebecca at September 16, 2004 at 07:25 AM

"The world would be safer if it was a Nerf ball!"

Bad choice. Who can forget the Brady kids lamenting, "Mom always said, 'don't play ball in the house!'"

Posted by: Gerry at September 16, 2004 at 07:30 AM

John Kerry: The world would be safer if I could wear my flip-flops to the office.

Posted by: markm at September 16, 2004 at 07:49 AM

The world would be safer if people just stopped asking questions.

Posted by: Sortelli at September 16, 2004 at 07:53 AM

Bush's line is "extremely lame", and yet "somewhat effective". Probably because it's pretty obviously, er, true.

Silly Marshall.

Posted by: Sigivald at September 16, 2004 at 08:20 AM

At least Saddam was elected! So there!

Posted by: Dean at September 16, 2004 at 08:37 AM

The world would be safer if we deferred to the United Nations when making all foreign policy decisions.

Posted by: gubbaboy at September 16, 2004 at 08:37 AM

The world would be safer if we all punched a pacifist?

Posted by: Rob Read at September 16, 2004 at 08:44 AM

I've posted this as my forgery, it contains all the CBS memos, plus all other possible short memos anyone could write or refuse to write.

http://www.rain.org/~mkummel/stumpers/23mar01a.html

This extract from the Uniiversal Library also contains all possible slogans Kerry could use, so Josh's problem is solved.

Posted by: Ripper at September 16, 2004 at 09:06 AM

John Kerry: I voted for a safer world before I voted against it. Soon, I can get the French to vote against it also, then the world will be safe from the French.

Posted by: bullwinkle at September 16, 2004 at 09:06 AM

The world would be safer if we all just put our fingers in our ears and go "la la la la la".

Posted by: SteelStorm at September 16, 2004 at 09:24 AM

Hilarious post.

When you're looking for a new catch phrase for your number one issue 40 odd days from the election, it's kinda over.

Posted by: Darwin Finch at September 16, 2004 at 09:33 AM

The world would be safer with John Kerry as pres-- no, that's obviously not going to work.

The world would have more esprit de corps with John Kerry as president? More elan? More joie de vivre?

Posted by: Mike G at September 16, 2004 at 09:36 AM

The wold will be safer because of my secret plan which, no, I'm not going to reveal until after I'm elected.

Trust me!

Posted by: Sean M. at September 16, 2004 at 09:44 AM

The world would be safer if we still had those two murderous dictatorships. O, George Bush! Why must you make the world less safe! Aiaiaiaiaiaiaia!

Posted by: Amos at September 16, 2004 at 09:45 AM

The world would be safer if all monkeys were dead!

Posted by: Frank J. at September 16, 2004 at 09:47 AM

The world would be safer if Congress authorizes the use of force, but we don't do anything about it.

Posted by: Me at September 16, 2004 at 09:55 AM

"It Takes A Kerry To Raze A Village."

Posted by: N. O'Brain at September 16, 2004 at 10:21 AM

N. O'Brian wins, hands down.

Posted by: Kerry Is Unelectable at September 16, 2004 at 10:27 AM

Only a "Herbert" would vote for Bush, Brother!

Heading out to eden, Yeah brother.
Heading out to eden, Yeah brother.
No more trouble In my body or my mind.
Goin' to live like a king on whatever I find.
Eat all the fruit and throw away the rind.
Yeah brother.

Posted by: Dear Johns at September 16, 2004 at 10:32 AM

Perhaps John Kerry needs to prop up his sagging poll numbers with botox.

Posted by: Terry at September 16, 2004 at 10:36 AM

Perhaps John Kerry needs to prop up his sagging poll numbers with botox.

Posted by: Terry at September 16, 2004 at 10:37 AM

Wait a minute. Run this by me again - I wasn't paying attention. Josh Marshall actually THINKS all Kerry needs to win the election is a good catch phrase about Iraq. He said THAT when so many of us bloggers are trying to figure out how to make money for our work. What a traitor!

Posted by: Roger L . Simon at September 16, 2004 at 11:11 AM

Nuance means never having to say you're sorry.

Posted by: freakyboy at September 16, 2004 at 11:13 AM

The world would have been far safer if BusHitleRasputin hadn't presented that vile, Halliburton-manufactured, plastic turkey to soldiers in Iraq; in which the toxic fumes emitted from it will undoubtedly afflict them with the next generation of Gulf War Syndrome.

Posted by: Cpl. Menno at September 16, 2004 at 11:19 AM

John Kerry: Together, we can still make the world accept our surrender.

Posted by: Andrew at September 16, 2004 at 11:29 AM

The world would be safer if John Kerry hadn't successfully undermined the American people's confidence in its own military during the "Winter Soldier" hearings; and if the stigma Kerry helped create against those who sacrificed so much while asking so little in return hadnt held sway for 30 years.

Posted by: fretless at September 16, 2004 at 11:36 AM

The world would be safer if all world leaders were French-looking.

(No-one would know who to invade, or who to surrender to).

Posted by: Habib at September 16, 2004 at 11:39 AM

"The world would be safer if the US just surrendered to the French."

Posted by: Alex at September 16, 2004 at 11:41 AM

I Will Keep Our Enemies Guessing, Too

Projecting American Strength Through Intricately Complex Nuance

The Thinking Man's Self-Confessed War Criminal

Vote For Me or My Running Mate Will Sue

Those Atrocity Stories? Dude, I Was Just Shitting You

I Will Do For You the Many Wonderous Things I Have Done For Massachusetts

Fear Not, America, I Have Deigned to Lead You

I Will Never Recuse My UN Ambassador from the Vote to Ask for a Permission Slip to Defend This Country

Posted by: iowahawk at September 16, 2004 at 11:45 AM

Together, we can leverage our synergies with horizontal strategy.

Posted by: Dear Johns at September 16, 2004 at 12:19 PM

"George W. Bush. Wrong about Rutherford B. Hayes. Wrong for American."

Posted by: Brian at September 16, 2004 at 12:27 PM

Who amongst us does not see my Truth.com?

Posted by: Dear Johns at September 16, 2004 at 12:49 PM

Vote for me you fucking unwashed commoners.

Posted by: Dear Johns at September 16, 2004 at 12:52 PM

1) The world would be safer if it wasn't so dangerous.

2) As a matter of fact, I do have some Grey Poupon.

Posted by: timks at September 16, 2004 at 01:39 PM

"Josh Marshall actually THINKS all Kerry needs to win the election is a good catch phrase about Iraq."

I'm already getting this from my lefty friends-- "Kerry is losing because he didn't dumb it down enough like Bush." I usually defy them to express Kerry's positions in dumbed-down terms, and they can't.

If being in advertising 20 years has taught me anything (besides stay out of advertising), it's that if you CAN'T express it clearly in a few short, sharp words, you haven't thought it through clearly enough yourself-- or you're trying to have it both ways. If John Kerry had strong positions, there'd already be a way to sum them up as short and clear as "Carthago est delenda" or "The Union forever."

Posted by: Mike G at September 16, 2004 at 01:44 PM

Oops, make that "I usually defy them to express Kerry's positions in NON-dumbed-down ways..."

Posted by: Mike G at September 16, 2004 at 01:44 PM

The world would be safer if we just bent over and tried to enjoy it.

Posted by: Freddyboy at September 16, 2004 at 02:00 PM

Nice, Freddy.

Posted by: Dylan at September 16, 2004 at 02:50 PM

I have a lovely bunch of coconuts.

Posted by: Dear Johns at September 16, 2004 at 03:10 PM

The world would be safer if that sonofabitch hadn't tripped me.

The world would be safer if...wait a minute, I have to check what my current position on this issue is.

Posted by: Sean M. at September 16, 2004 at 03:26 PM

Le monde serait plus sr s'il y avait plus de nuance.

Posted by: MrPhilipBeaufoy at September 16, 2004 at 03:55 PM

Le monde serait plus sr s'il y avait moins de nuance.

Posted by: MrPhilipBeaufoy at September 16, 2004 at 03:59 PM

I asked for more nuance before I asked for less nuance.

Posted by: MrPhilipBeaufoy at September 16, 2004 at 04:00 PM

If you vote for me, free Purple Hearts for everyone!

Posted by: Syl at September 16, 2004 at 05:17 PM

John Kerry, 57 varieties of truth.

Posted by: Lulu at September 16, 2004 at 07:10 PM

The world would be safer if we put it in a lockbox.

/Kerry-Gore mindmeld.

Posted by: JB at September 16, 2004 at 07:51 PM

How about:

Je suis un Vietnam Vetaran Godd*mmit !

Oops ! wrong electorate.

Posted by: willy at September 16, 2004 at 08:32 PM

The world would be safer if it wasn't for the voices in my head.

Posted by: Travis Bickle at September 17, 2004 at 12:11 AM

The world would be safer if we just kept Tuh-RAY-zuh locked in the attic.

Well, at least until November 5th.

Posted by: Reginleif the Valkyrie at September 17, 2004 at 12:33 AM

(1) What do you mean I married the wrong Republican?

(2) I wonder what Sam Walton's widow is doing after the election?

Posted by: Andy Freeman at September 17, 2004 at 01:59 AM

---"Safer" is the wrong word, at the wrong place, at the wrong time.

---"Safer? Oh, I thought he said funner."

Posted by: sentinel at September 17, 2004 at 02:12 AM

With apologies to Burt Bacharach:
"What the World needs now
Is nuance, nuance"

You have to slur the first 'nuance's two syllables into one.
You go now. Practice a few hours.
Soon we'll all be singing the same tune comma looney.

Posted by: h at September 17, 2004 at 03:01 AM

* the world would be safer if we restored the French veto
* the world would be safer under dhimmitude (riiiight...)

Posted by: m at September 17, 2004 at 04:11 AM

"Whatever your position is, I support it, or did before I voted against it."

Posted by: Clancy at September 17, 2004 at 04:54 AM

WARNING, this is really bad. Allegedly a bumper sticker:

Vote Kerry!
The Sears Tower is an eyesore anyway!

Posted by: zeppenwolf at September 17, 2004 at 05:14 AM

"The world will be safer when they stop developing new flavors of Coca-Cola."

Posted by: Jersey Matt at September 17, 2004 at 06:07 AM

The world would be safer if we focused on al Qaeda.

Posted by: Sassy at September 17, 2004 at 06:14 AM

Vote Kerry: He Cries When He Ejaculates

Posted by: Neil at September 18, 2004 at 02:12 AM

Vote for Me, or my Thugs will make your Daughter Cry.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/040916/480/wvrs10309162250

Posted by: Neil at September 18, 2004 at 02:17 AM

Let's roll...over...

Posted by: MrPhilipBeaufoy at September 18, 2004 at 10:51 AM

The world would be safer if...

...our government stopped training insurgents at SOA, stopped invading other countries to impose government by gunpoint, stopped allowing pretenders who don't win the vote from becoming president, stopped allowing men who care more about their oil interests or Halliburton stock than people to become leaders and if all Americans woke up and demanded the truth.

Posted by: Scout at September 21, 2004 at 11:42 AM