June 02, 2004
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO HOME-INVADE AGAINST US
The 23rd Psalm has been updated. Meet Psalm 23 version 2.0:
In a new version published by the Church of England, the words: "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil" are replaced by: "Even if a full-scale violent confrontation breaks out I will not be afraid, Lord." The new version shares with the traditional one the opening line "The Lord is my shepherd", but the psalmist goes on: "He lets me see a country of justice and peace and directs me towards this land" and that His "shepherd's power and love protect me" - instead of "thy rod and thy staff they comfort me".
Readers are invited to submit their own rewritten Biblical verse, after the modern fashion.
Posted by Tim Blair at June 2, 2004 05:38 AM
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors power tools or John Deere lawnmower.
And Moses said unto Pharaoh, "I'm Rick James, Byatch, so let my peeps go"
And God said "Let there be light" and the first class action lawsuit was filed on behalf of skin cancer victims.
Honor thy father and thy mother, or both your mothers/fathers, whichever the case may be. For the ophans out there, here are my 9 commandments.
So I get to be afraid if less than a full-scale violent confrontation breaks out?
Shouldn't there be something about recognizing the root causes? And realizing that they have good reason to throw rocks at me?
Just as people debate whether Shakespeare had a hand in the King James, in 300 years they'll ask, "Does this bear the mark of the hand of that master of 21st century prose, the divine Fisk?"
TO: Tim Blair
How about this...
"And the third trumpet sounded, and I saw a run-away nuclear reactor and it poisoned the waters and many men were killed by the poison it spewed forth and the name of the reactor was Chernobyl, which means Wormwood."
Then again, there's that business about the fifth and sixth trumpets too.
And the fifth trumpet sounded, and from the furnaces of war came a swarm of attack helicopters. And these helicopters flew for five months, after which a great war was fought in the Euphrates River valley, which was the sixth trumpet.
Just some thoughts...
"The race is not always to the swift, nor victory to the strong, but that's the way to bet." --Damon Runyon
It's times like these that I'm glad I'm an atheist. I'd be heartbroken if I actually believed and semi-literate oafs like this Namibian guy kept buggering about with the Bible.
Blessed be the UN Peacekeepers and French, for they shall inherit the Earth.
The Big Dude is my lifeguard, I shall not drown.
He lets me cut short and not get crushed...
sort of reads like Book of SubGenius.
Thou shalt not kill ... unless you have prior approval from the United Nations Security Council even though it is populated by some of the world's most dangerous countries who could write a damned book about the judicious application of torture, maiming and genocide.
Thou shalt not worship false idols ... unless they wear blue helmets.
Thou shalt obey thy father and mother ... and Kofi Annan.
Jesus, feeling and understanding the pain of others, wept.
And in the beginning, there was Light. And then God sent Kerry to Vietnam.
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
4 God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.
5 Not that He thought that the darkness was inherently bad, but for the sake of it's further growth and development, the light had to have an equal chance to express itself and contribute to the full diversity He wanted to flourish in Creation.
"Thou shalt not make people sad."
Ever listen to the late Lord Buckley?
Jonah say, “Ain't that crazy, out of the six million cats for the Lord to put his finger on, and to say he like Jonah. Ain't that groovy!”
And the Great Lord said, “Jonah, I'd like you to cross the Red Sea and put the message on the Israelites. They're squarin' up over there!!”
And Jonah said, “Man, you don't mean this here big pool do you, Lord?!”
Theology is my wash-pot; over orthodoxy will I cast out my shoe. (Ps. 60)
Blessed be the peacekeepers: for they shall inherit the French.
And "Pops" blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and subdue one other: then switch places."
TO: The Real Jeffs
RE: About That "Beginning" Thing
And the Lord said, "Let E equals MC squared."
I suspect some of these people of using North Korean translating computers. I once saw a 'verse for the day' from one of those 'Have a Nice Day Bibles' or 'Keepin' it Real Bibles' or whatever: 'By Jesus' wounds we are healed' had become 'By His cuts and bruises we are healed'.
RE: Funny Translations
We did something for a group mag some time ago, running titles of famous novels into translators and then back through the translators again to bring them back to English.
The real hoot was You Can't Go Home. To Japanese and back again came out....
As for you. It is not possible to go into the house a second time.
"St. Atilla raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy."
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil"
"Because verily I have close air support, armour and the most awesome firepower in the whole accursed valley."
In the beginning there was the word, and the word was nuance.
Jesus saves. But Esposito scores on the rebound.
I guess only Boston Bruin hockey fans will remember that one.
I once worked for two weeks in a Republican Party phone bank where we had to watch our language.
"Yea though I walk in the valley of death I shall fear no evil, for I am the kind of person whose character and conduct can not be discussed in the call center."
...readers are invited to submit their own rewritten Biblical verse, after the modern fashion....
Thanks, but the original will do me, just fine.
And the Lord did look apon this mess and was wroth and spake and said "Damn it, can someone clean this shit up, I mean seriously" and he did cast down thunderbolts and plauges and that just made things worse. Nice thinking, Lord.
Might as well put in that partially phony passage Jules quotes in Pulp Fiction, Ezekiel 25:17. Except we can't have any Tarantino tendencies--
"The path of the better sort of Green Party activist dudes is beset on all sides by the inequities of the globalists and the tyranny of Halliburton. Blessed is he who, in the name of NGOs and the better sort of Green Party activists, shepherds the asylum applicants through the paperwork of the Immigration Service. For he is truly way cooler and more laid back than those fundies. And I will strike down upon thee with pretty severe irritability and considerable bitchiness those who attempt to harsh on my buds. And you will know I am into bondage & discipline when I spank you, unless you say the safety word, which is THE LORD, if you are OK with that.
'Jesus freaked' is the winner but here's my take:
Blessed are the meek: for they shall receive government largesse.
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be offered counselling.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have free legal aid.
Blessed are the merciful judges: for they shall have their house robbed by some low life crack head released years too early.
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they are, like, totally naive.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall wander the earth for years without achieving one goddammed thing while terrorists everywhere carry on murdering thousands.
"The Lord is my entitlement program, I shall not want."
Why change the Scriptures? Ezekiel's account (chapter 19) of the lusty Aholibah can't be improved:
19. Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt.
20. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.
21. Thus thou calledst to remembrance the lewdness of thy youth, in bruising thy teats by the Egyptians for the paps of thy youth.
The issue of horses indeed!
Superboot, there is actually a version that translates the text "the big-membered Egyptians"
THe next thing the CE will do is to make a Golden Calf.
4:44 This is the law which Moses gave to Israel. These are the stipulations, laws, customs which God commanded and dictated to Moses after God had rescued the Israelites form Egypt:
5:7-10 Thou shalt not worship any gods but Rousseau, Descartes, Comtes, Keynes, Jung, freud, Weber, Durkheim... thou shalt not bow down to any other god, not to Yawhweh nor the the Trinity... thous shalt obey us and our descendants who shall liveth in even the 21 st century after the death of some one called Christ... keep my commandments or you shall be executed, imprisoned, counselled, hectoring, have a finger wagged against you.
:13-14 You must keep international common commie man day: never shalt thou earn profit nor own property not subject to theft called taxation. You may fuck they who are of the same sex, donkeys, your neighbour's ass and claim family support and reproduction rights and govt support for all such purposes.
:15 you were free, but by our outstretched arms have enslaved you..
:16 obey us so that thou shalt have a short, nasty and brutish life.
Yea, thoust Jesus and Barney shall love you, everyone else shall think of thou as an asshole.
Judge not lest ye be judged, you bastard.
And the Lord thus spake unto them "What the hell are you staring at?"
Where is the Spanish Inquisition when we nee— "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
14 And when they were come, they say unto him, presumptive democratic nominee Kerry, we know that thou art true, and carest for no man: for thou regardest not the person of men, but teachest the way of Carter in truth: Is it lawful to give tribute to Caesar, or not?
15 Shall we give, or shall we not give? But he, being intelligent yet nuanced, said unto them, Why tempt ye me? bring me a penny, that I may see it.
16 And they brought it. And he saith unto them, Whose is this image and superscription? And they said unto him, Caesar's.
17 And Kerry answering said unto them, Render to Caesar everything, and to God whatever’s left over, and did you know I served in Vietnam? And they marvelled at him because he never gave back the penny.
Helen: Big Egyptians? They must have left their fezes on.
Speaking of Boston...
So the LORD put a mark on Cain, lest anyone should kill him at sight. A red "B" was burned into his blue forehead.
Now, I'm not saying God is a Yankee fan, but there is enough evidence for a lively debate.
To: Corinthians (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Fr: Paul (email@example.com)
Sb: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY EPISTLE!
13: And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love. Especially with our EXCLUSIVE Herbal V1agra!
I liked Eddie Izzard's take on the Church of England in place of the Romans dishing out justice to criminals in ancient Jerusalem:
"What will it be? Cake or Death?"
Um, cake please..."
Nothing, I repeat nothing, in the Bible or the Koran for that matter, can beat the Song of Solomon for sheer pornographic content:
"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine. 1:2
"He shall lie all night betwixt my breasts." 1:13
"His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. I charge you ... that he stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please." 2:6, 8:3
Our heroine takes her lover into her mother's bedroom and asks not to be disturbed "till he please." 3:4-5
"Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins." 4:5, 7:3
"My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." 5:4
"The joints of thy thighs are like jewels." 7:1
"Thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine." 7:8
"We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts ... But my breasts [are] like towers." 8:8, 10
Taht, Quentin George, as I child, I read, avidly the Bible, the eortic bits to a child of 2 years old was the incentive, aim, the delight and the advantage, uncensored no one suspected nor accused one that was why I read I read it, oh, and also for the war bits: I particuallry liked the children's horror story Revelations, most satisfying to fall to sleep on.
How about Psalm 121:4 -
"The protector of Israel never dozes or sleeps ... until the IDF came along, and now He can sleep in and take the weekends off"
And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say, Y'all come and see.
Do unto others, pre-emptively.
Dear Mr and Mrs Corinthian:
I write to tell you that I happily and humbly accept your invitation to join your toga party at the Greeks. It will be welcome relief from the double secret probation that the authorities are keeping me under.
Yes, I'm still working on my book. To tell you the truth, it's a little plodding, and I am afraid it may put people to sleep. I wanted to give it a provocative title like "Asian Sluts" or "Stupid White Men", but our idiot publisher insists on something less racy like "Nude Testament" so we don't scare off the children's market. Siimon and I are working on a marketing plan to force people to read it and get it all tax deductible. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also there is no need to apologise about our threesome at the Roman baths last week. After all I too have experienced sudden outbreaks of diarrhoea, and can fully sympathise with your embarrassment. You can rest assured that it didn't spoil my enjoyment of the occasion in the slightest.
Carn the Saints,
in Revalations, regarding signs of the end times:
"... and there shall be all manner of doggly digging."
in the gospels:
"... and an angel of the Lord appeared before them saying 'Take it easy'."
(Inspired by ilibcc's comment above)
Blessed are the Peacemakers: for Colt hath made all men equal.
Okay, so like Jesus and his mother went to this wedding. I dunno, it was his mother's friend's daughter or something. She married some guy from Haifa. So anyway, Jesus is just sitting there at a table with some of the apostles, and his mom comes up and she's like, They're out of wine. And Jesus is like, Ma, I'm talking here. And I don't care if they're out of wine. I'm drinking beer. And his mom is like, No, you have to do something. Jesus goes, Like what? You know I'm not supposed to be doing that stuff yet. But his mom just crosses her arms and stands there with that kind of mom look on her face. So Jesus gets up and says, oh alright. Geez. I'll do it. But you're going to have to get a ride home with Aunt Maureen, 'cause we're going out after the reception.
Vengeance is mine subject to UN approval, saith the Lord.
"He lets me see a country of justice and peace and directs me towards this land" and that His "shepherd's power and love protect me."
So God's a mild-mannered travel agent who protects the innocent using his Super Shepherd powers far beyond those of mortal man. Truly a message for the ages.
TO: Operator, Spleenville
SUBJ: Cease and Desist
We regret to inform you that if you do not cease and desist within two weeks we shall be forced to file a class action...
Oh...wait...you're making FUN of scripture.
Nevermind then...carry on.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil because I'm the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley"
Peace at any cost. There is no god but Allah and Muhammad is his messenger.