March 03, 2004
THE COLUMN THAT WON ELEVEN OSCARS
Mentioned in this week’s Continuing Crisis column for The Bulletin are Tony Blair, Clare Short, Kofi Annan, Saddam Hussein, Don Bramich, Stumpy the lobster, John Simplot, Peter King, Malcolm Turnbull's dog, Malcolm Turnbull, Ian Hughes, and Merv Hughes.
Posted by Tim Blair at March 3, 2004 02:46 AMFor those who never saw the awards they were as follows :
In the category for actress with most becoming lobotomy scar : Clare Short (Tony Blair has sent her to Haiti to film her life story...where, as we understand it, she'll be shot on location).
Continuing Crisis footnote : Ms Short is living proof that while the MMR may not cause Autism, who gives a fuck if she is an example of what other damage it can do.
In the category of best film : Robin Cook. Voters felt that Robin is as close to film/slime as one can get without actually being film/slime.
In the category of best animated film the award went to Michael Moore. If you get a chance to see Michael (The Fuck) Moore you will see how animated he is and of course like Robin he's pure slime.
(There was a short interval while Rummy went on about known knowns and unknown knowns etc.....Fuck knows but we think we may have missed the odd winner or two while he was at it)
In the category of best actor in a gay marriage condemned by George W. but remembered for his part in The Fucking Quiet American, where he asks all the men in a pub if he can push their stools in, the winner was Saddam Hussein.
What?
I know he's not American, he can't even speak the lingo.....why do you think they called it the Fucking Quiet American?
Imagine the deathly silence when he was down that fucking hole?
Why do you say you're not"actually a celebrity?" I think you're teriffic and I'd love the chance to show you how teriffic I think you are!!!
Posted by: sue at March 3, 2004 at 04:26 AMSTUDIO VOICE : The part of Xaviera Hollander sans dog, will now be played by Sue.
For Fucks Sake do I look like Encyclopedia Brittanica.....how should I know...possibly it's been kenneled or shot.......yes,yes of course I love dogs as well but that hardly means I take roll call ......
Mind you while I'm on this heading....3 dogs at the vet.....they turn to the Poodle..."What are you in for?
"I shat on her Persian so they're putting me down", says the Poodle.
"Me too, I broke her vase so my time is up", says the Daschund.
"Well," says the Great Dane, "I'm sure you saw the belter of a blonde, well she's my mistress. Loves padding about the house butt naked she does. Last night she was bending over the bath to turn off the taps when I lost it. WHALLOP I gave her a large portion from behind...."
"That's awful you must be a cert for the needle."
"Not really, I'm in to have my nails clipped!"
Posted by: Traps at March 3, 2004 at 04:53 AMThanks for that Sue. I thought my posting confirmed I was aware of that.....
But you show a rare sensitivity which is never a bad thing.
Now yachting.......
Posted by: Traps at March 3, 2004 at 06:04 AMAmong complaints from servicemen: "At least 50% of my men are not happy..."
Does this mean that the other 50 of servicemen are happy? Or maybe it means that 48% were unhappy, 3% were not happy but were not unhappy either, and the other 49% were happier.
The guy who made this complaint didn't try very hard...
Posted by: TimT at March 3, 2004 at 08:34 AM"Don't these people realise that two decades ago I played for a cricket team captained by the father of Merv Hughes?"
You were out for a Werribee duck?
(To those not in the know, Tim hails from the city of Werribee to where Melbourne's sewerage is pumped. Hence 'You're in more shit than a Werribee duck.'