January 12, 2004
MOON ASS OWNERSHIP DECLARED
"The new Vanity Fair is out," writes a reader in New York. "This month's edition has a page of mocked-up bumper stickers, which are meant to be bitter (and, I suppose, also meant to be funny). They say things like: 'America: Inventor of the Gated Community' and 'America: Almost All Paved' (except, of course, for all that god-forsaken desert and wilderness you see from the air).
"But some of them I would actually quite like to put on my car: 'America: You Just Try to Knock That Smile Off Our Face' and 'America: You Want Fries With That?' (well, absolutely, with everything).
"But my personal favorite is: 'America: The Moon's Ass Belongs to the US. So Don't Be Landing Your Skanky Rocket on It. Don't Even Be Looking at the Moon.'"
Posted by Tim Blair at January 12, 2004 10:28 AMYou'd need to shake some serious booty to fit that on the back of yo' car, yo.
Posted by: Marty at January 12, 2004 at 10:37 AM"But my personal favorite is: 'America: The Moon's Ass Belongs to the US. So Don't Be Landing Your Skanky Rocket on It. Don't Even Be Looking at the Moon.'"
You'd need a pretty L O N G bumper, to put all that on it!
Posted by: May Lee at January 12, 2004 at 10:38 AMVF could have better captured the national spirit thus: 'America: Let's Roll'
And roll they did.
You'd need a pretty L O N G bumper, to put all that on it!
Fits on a Humvee, I'll bet.
Posted by: Angie Schultz at January 12, 2004 at 11:27 AMFrance: Don't Shoot!
Australia: No Worries
New Zealand: Me Too
Michael Moore: Hell yeah I want fries.
So I take it from their staunch antiwar stance that Vanity Fair is some kind of Utne Reader, Mother Jonesish alternative magazine, probably printed on hemp paper and completely disavowing advertising as well as the whole trashy culture of celebrity fawning, wealth worship and society asskissing, Anglophilia, lust for luxury objects and tawdry true crime tales.
I shall have to look for it the next time I'm at the womyn's alternative book collective.
Posted by: Mike G at January 12, 2004 at 11:31 AMDamn, I guess all those gated communities in Europe were built AFTER the US was founded. And here I thought those -- what were they called? 'castles'? -- were built during the Middle Ages.
Posted by: Robert Crawford at January 12, 2004 at 12:20 PMAustralia: Much nicer than Austria
Australia: No, we're not in Europe.
Australia: The REAL landing place of Spirit.
Australia: So much better than france.
France: ... except America - America keeps calling us "bitch" and won't talk after.
Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 12, 2004 at 12:41 PMLeichtenstein: Cool name, but where the hell are we???
Posted by: Jake D at January 12, 2004 at 12:56 PMWell if Dubya get his moon base and sticks a fence up we'll have no chance of getting our balls back.
Posted by: Jake D at January 12, 2004 at 01:17 PM"You'd need a pretty L O N G bumper, to put all that on it!"
All Americans have big cars. That fits nicely on an SUV.
Posted by: Fred Boness at January 12, 2004 at 01:32 PMYes, all your Moon are belong to us, and don't you forget it.
BWAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Posted by: Tim in PA at January 12, 2004 at 01:52 PM"America: Almost 3% Paved" - really.
"Vanity Fair Editors: Stupid"
Posted by: Tim Shell at January 12, 2004 at 01:53 PMAustralia: Proud of our humility.
Australia: Our egalitarianism makes us better than you.
(I read these in the SMH. They weren't kidding.)
New Zealand: A little bit of Europe in the beautiful South Pacific.
Turkey: Less crazy than you might expect.
Belgium: Crossroads of Germany.
Andorra: Unforgettable
Zimbabwe: Caution: Loose nut behind the wheel.
Iraq: Now with 100% fewer psychotic dictators.
North Korea: Diet capital of the world!
Cuba: Come see our fossil leader!
Venezuela: The Revenge of Castro.
Canada: Please love us. If it isn't too much trouble.
China: We're not Communist, just totalitarian.
New Zealand: We're behind Australia in every way
New Zealand: We'll fight to the last Aussie
New Zealand: With 30 million sheep, who needs women?
Vanity = Self posession
Fair = celebration; party
So Vanity Fair is a celebration of self posession.
I think Golfers Digest has a greater circulation.
Posted by: Random Numbers at January 12, 2004 at 08:25 PMThat's our flag on the moon, ain't it? Well, thirty-three plus years on, and not a single other country up there to plant a flag, kinda leads me to believe we own it by default.
Here's a bumper sticker I'd buy - "America, just go ahead and try to stop us!"
Yup, squatter's rights, I'd say.
Amerikka: World's Premier Swastika Manufacturer since 2000
France: Don't You Wear That Thing On Your Head In My Classroom -- No, Don't Even Think About It
Canada: Don't Blame Us!
New Zealand: You've Seen Our Tolkienesque Landscapes, Now Come Feel Our Sheep
Posted by: Tongue Boy at January 13, 2004 at 12:39 AMVanity = self possession, pride in oneself.
Fair = having the quality of being not so bad if not quite average.
Thus,
Vanity Fair = Extreme pride at being not too far below average.
Posted by: JorgXMcKie at January 13, 2004 at 02:21 AMDamn, I guess all those gated communities in Europe were built AFTER the US was founded. And here I thought those -- what were they called? 'castles'? -- were built during the Middle Ages.
Cool! Not only did we invent the gated community, we also invented time travel!
Posted by: Arnold at January 13, 2004 at 03:18 AMYou're right on, Tim, about the miles of uninhabited terrain in the USA. Last year we drove from the Niagara Peninsula to Pinehurst,North Carolina through miles and miles of country with nary a habitation anywhere. Even in California, it's difficult to find the huddled mass settlements once away from the well-known conurbatins. These urban sophisticates at VF are so geographically challenged, it's painful.
Posted by: Millie Woods at January 13, 2004 at 03:25 AMBy the way, I'd like to point out that the "moon's ass" claim employs a certain, shall we say, patois peculiar to, or at least originated by, a particular socio-ethnic group. Vanity Fair's use of this idiom in its mockery of American attitudes could seem to some as smacking of, well, RACISM.
Are white sheets and hoods fashionable attire in the VF offices? Does Graydon Carter prefer to be addressed as "mein Fuhrer"? Stay tuned!
Posted by: Angie Schultz at January 13, 2004 at 03:33 AMAmerica: Assimilating Poor, Huddled Masses For Over 200 Years!
Posted by: Tongue Boy at January 13, 2004 at 04:18 AMHomer Simpson had the motto "America: Try and Stop Us" on his t-shirt in the "going-to-Brazil" episode, along with a comic of Uncle Sam devouring the globe. I personally would be tickled if that became our new logo, if only to see The Guardian's reaction.
Posted by: Percy Dovetonsils at January 13, 2004 at 04:25 AMI came up with only 0.5% nationwide, assuming 3 lanes of 12 ft each with 2 ft shoulders on each side and 2.4 million miles of paved road. All the places where the libs live are fully paved. They never leave the city. Can't get a decent latte anywhere.
Posted by: Jim at January 13, 2004 at 05:53 AMDamn, I guess all those gated communities in Europe were built AFTER the US was founded. And here I thought those -- what were they called? 'castles'? -- were built during the Middle Ages.
Until about the time of Napoleon, in Europe, all towns were walled and gated.
If fact, it was a pretty common feature just about every where.
Wall Street is so called because there was a wall there, with a gate where Broadway later came to be.
Remember the Alamo? It was a gated
community.
You're right on, Tim, about the miles of uninhabited terrain in the USA.
Click for the nighttime map , which gives you a pretty good idea of where the people aren't in the US.
Posted by: Peggy Sue at January 13, 2004 at 08:28 AMAmerica: And who are you, exactly?
Austrailia: At least the cows aren't mad!
Switzerland: We'll sit this one out!
Israel: The 21st Century's Alamo!
Canada: Hey, over here! Look at us! Hello...
France: We hate you...please come again!
Germany: We call do-over! or...
Germany: Let's make it best 3 out of 5!
England: America's Mini-Me! (stole that from Maxim)
Scotland: Wear a kilt, because zippers scare the sheep.
Posted by: MonkeyPants at January 13, 2004 at 10:52 AMDiggs: if nobody claims it in 66 years, the Moon is yours ;-).
Posted by: Sam Kington at January 13, 2004 at 02:09 PM