December 20, 2003

SILLY POLLY

Relative to the rest of humankind, how stupid is The Guardian’s Polly Toynbee? Well, just consider how many people you know who’ve been conned by Nigerian mail scams.

UPDATE. Iowahawk sends Polly a secret offer of opportunity:

HELLO HONORABLE GUARDIAN OPINIONING JOURNALIST OF ANTI-WAR ACTIVISMS, MY NAME IS THE HONORABLE EZEKIEL MBUTO, ESQ., OF LAGOS AND I FORTHWITH WRITE TO YOU WITH A SECRET OFFER OF OPPORTUNITY-IMPORTANCE. I AM TO BE THE OFFICIAL REPRESENTATIONER OF MY DEPOSED UNCLE, GENERAL PATRICK BONGAMBO, HOLDER OF VAST NIGERIAN PLATINUM RESERVES. HE WAS UNFORTUNATELY DEPOSED BY ACCURSED UNITED STATES CIA OPERATIVERS WHO DEVIOUSLY AND FALSELY ACCUSED HIM OF SELLING YELLOW-CAKE URANIUMS TO IRAQ, FOR SEXING-UP UNITED NATIONS WAR-ARGUMENTING.

MY FINE UNCLE WOULD NOW VERY LIKE MUCH TO BE CONTRIBUTIVE OF POUNDS STERLING TO THE CAMPAIGNINGS OF DOCTOR HOWARD DEAN, TO UNSEAT ILLEGAL WAR COWBOY BUSH. THUS HE SHALL BE IN RETURN OF HIS RIGHTFUL POWER SEAT IN LAGOS. HE REQUESTS YOUR ASSISTMENT IN THIS ENDEAVOUR. PLEASE BE OF REQUEST THAT YOU WILL BE SENDING YOUR ROUTING-BANK NUMBERS QUICKLY, AS TO STOP THE BUSH NEOCON WARMEN IN AMERICAN RE-ELECTIONS.

YOURS IN SINCERITY,

THE HONORABLE EZEKIEL MBUTO, ESQ.
439 MORON WAY
SUITE 21-A
LAGOS, NIGERIA E4G

Posted by Tim Blair at December 20, 2003 05:29 AM
Comments

hahahahahahahahaha

what an idjit

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at December 20, 2003 at 05:36 AM

What Mr. Bingley said.

Posted by: Ken Summers at December 20, 2003 at 05:45 AM

I love where she lays the blame.

"We reap from the third world what we sow: if some Nigerians learned lessons in capitalism from global oil companies that helped corrupt and despoil that land, it is hardly surpising they absorbed some of the Texan oil values that now rule the White House."

Posted by: Lawrence at December 20, 2003 at 05:53 AM

Say what you will about the spamcons, but they're clever sons of bitches. Notice how they always ask people to get involved in something shady, but for a good cause? That's so people who get burned by these guys are hesitant to report it to the police. "You say you sent $1000 to help embezzle a million dollars to feed starving aboriginies? I think we better do an audit of your other financial transactions, too."

Posted by: Tatterdemalian at December 20, 2003 at 05:56 AM

Priceless. First she cops to being the neighborhood window-licker, then she lectures us on politics.

Dumb-ta-dumb-dumb!

Posted by: spongeworthy at December 20, 2003 at 06:05 AM

"...but they're clever sons of bitches."

only relative to whom they're dealing with...

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at December 20, 2003 at 06:05 AM

Yeah, I loved the fact that the Nigerians scamming this idiot is all really the fault of the US!
"What's that? Both parents died of Ebola? Sad, very sad. In Nigeria, you say? Terrible. All sounds very reasonable to me. Very proper. Where do I sign? (Stupid Americans, I'll show you with my irresponsible charitable giving!)"

Didn't Ebola hit like a thousand miles south? (Could be wrong I guess) Man, maybe this lady should read a newspaper or something.

And where does this "regulation, restraint, control" crap she's talking about come from? That sounds like some creepy motto.

Posted by: Kyle at December 20, 2003 at 06:11 AM

"And where does this "regulation, restraint, control" crap she's talking about come from? That sounds like some creepy motto."

or the ad campaign for some incontinence product

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at December 20, 2003 at 06:27 AM

"And where does this "regulation, restraint, control" crap she's talking about come from? That sounds like some creepy motto."

A lifetime spent eating cheese would be my guess. Free your ass, Polly, and your mind will follow. Go hug a tree, maybe eat some fiberific bark. It's really not much worse than this Nigerian bite.

Let us all take a moment to channel Nelson Muntz from 'The Simpsons'. Point, en masse, in Polly's direction:

HAAAAH-ha!

Posted by: Carl H. at December 20, 2003 at 06:27 AM

"We reap from the third world what we sow: if some Nigerians learned lessons in capitalism from global oil companies that helped corrupt and despoil that land, it is hardly surpising they absorbed some of the Texan oil values that now rule the White House."

And yet those corrupted "Nigerians" had all their pilfered money sent to Japan. Funny that.
Still, I will take the word of an idgit, that it all had to do with third world "victims" trying to get even for their dispoiled land.
No sense muddying my agenda with anything as tawdry as evidence.

Posted by: Papertiger at December 20, 2003 at 06:53 AM

Did you notice that the people who came out best in Toynbee's hilarious tale were the evil capitalist bankers. It could happen to anyone though, Robert Fisk lost half of his life savings in a bogus penis enlargement scam.

Posted by: Ross at December 20, 2003 at 07:00 AM

"Robert Fisk lost half of his life savings in a bogus penis enlargement scam."

ah, the price of ego; most of us thought he was a big enough dick already

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at December 20, 2003 at 07:03 AM

My email to the rube "Ms. Toynbee"...who by the way is so dumb as to leave her email address in html "tag" format so that every spammer in the world can reach her.

I'm in the oil business in Texas where our values include honesty, business on a hand shake basis and loyalty. Like most self absorbed European journalists, repeating jingoistic blather, it is obvious that you know nothing of what you speak. And by the way, most European journalists worth anything more than a pence have learned by now that the "cowboy" reference to anyone in the U.S. is taken as a compliment.

And at least we're not dumb enough to fall for a basic con game.

Posted by: Wallace at December 20, 2003 at 07:05 AM

Nigerians were passing out fake $100 bills at the World Cup games at the old Foxboro Stadium back in 1994. The only asshats buying the 'official World Cup Soccer Ball' were the Nigerians because they cost $190 each. Made it much easier to corral 'em.

Posted by: Roger Bournival at December 20, 2003 at 07:14 AM

To: p.toynbee@guardian.co.uk
From: mbuto@viagra4less.spam.afr
Re: importance of opportunitys please

Hello honorable Guardian opinioning journalist of anti-war activisms, my name is The Honorable Ezekiel Mbuto, Esq., of Lagos and I forthwith write to you with a secret offer of opportunity-importance. I am to be the official representationer of my deposed uncle, General Patrick Bongambo, holder of vast Nigerian platinum reserves. He was unfortunately deposed by accursed United States CIA operativers who deviously and falsely accused him of selling yellow-cake plutoniums to Iraq, for United Nations war-argumenting.

My uncle would now very like much to be contributive of dollars to the campaignings of Doctor Howard Dean, to unseat the illegal war cowboy Bush, and thus be in return of his rightful power seat in Lagos. He requests your assistment in this endeavour. Please be of request that you will be sending your routing-bank numbers quickly, as to stop the Bush neocon war mens in American re-elections.

Yours in Sincerity,

The Honorable Ezekiel Mbuto, Esq.
439 Gullible Ave., Suite 21-a
Lagos, Nigeria E4G

Posted by: iowahawk at December 20, 2003 at 07:34 AM

She fell for the lamest scam in the book, but still manages to blame the White House. One can only be astonished by such a bravura display of idiocy.

Posted by: scaramouche at December 20, 2003 at 07:48 AM

Say what you will about the spamcons, but they're clever sons of bitches. Notice how they always ask people to get involved in something shady, but for a good cause?

Don't count on it -- you wouldn't believe how many of those I've gotten from the widows of Idi Amin and Sese Seko.

Posted by: Sean O'Hara at December 20, 2003 at 08:07 AM

Polly even gets the nature of the crime wrong -- it's not money laundering, it's, er, money vacuuming. Used to be called the "Spanish Prisoner" scam. Haaaaah-ha is right.

Iowahawk (love those Haikus, Dave) missed one detail -- THE LETTER HAS TO BE IN ALL CAPS....

Posted by: Jim Whyte at December 20, 2003 at 08:20 AM

Society and Culture > Crime > Afica > Spam Targets > Moronic Tools > Polly Toynbee

Posted by: Jerry at December 20, 2003 at 08:44 AM

I am so happy that sow lost 200 quid.

Nigeria is the home to several cities that were, 500 to 1000 years ago, seats of enormous power and wealth.

These city-states ruled empires built on war, international trade, and learning.

Nigerians were buying, selling, trading, sharing, and scamming while monks were holed up in Ireland trying to save what was left of Western Civilization.

To infer that West Africans had "not known sin" but lived as ignorant yet noble savages prior to the creation of the United States (in 1776 AD!) is an incredibly condescending and racist
statement.

Toynbee tries to rip Americans and ends up insulting every black African.

And she gets well paid to do it!!!

Posted by: JDB at December 20, 2003 at 08:51 AM

Loved that article!!

Got quite a laugh when she started going on about how it's the fault of the US! EVERYTHING is all our fault, including the Nigerian Scammers!

I wonder what it's like living in a country that never gets blamed for anything, even if it is their fault?

Posted by: Chris Josephson at December 20, 2003 at 09:11 AM

Holy crap, what an idjit.

Polly, dear, most Texans would be - are - laughing their asses off at you for falling for such an obvious scam.

I mean, anyone who has been on the internet for more than, say, a year has come across this thing. But even if you don't have familiarity with it, it has all the hallmarks of a ruse.

It just shows what happens when you mix ignorance of how basic banking works with the Bottomless Well of Caring known so well by the Left.

Posted by: Steve in Houston at December 20, 2003 at 09:20 AM

Dear Ms. Toynbee,

I am Samira Shahbandar, soon-to-be widow of ex-Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. I would like to plead for your assistance for my family. Before his imminent death, my husband managed to conceal $100 billion US dollars in a Syrian bank. We need to transfer that money to a bank in a Western country, for the support of my four nearly-fatherless young children. We would like to use your bank account for this purpose.

For your generous assistance in this matter, we would be happy to give you $20 billion dollars. Think of all the Nigerian schoolgirls you could support with that sum!

Please send the account and bank routing number to samira@murdering.tyrants.com.

We chose you because of your well-known generosity, and your newspaper's record of support for our cause.

Thanking you in advance,
Samira Shahbandar Hussein

Posted by: Angie Schultz at December 20, 2003 at 09:25 AM

Hurl moment:

"Think of the corruption that US and UK conservatives carelessly unleashed upon the former Soviet Union in the name of extreme free market ideology. "

She will be using that phrase again soon. Just cut and paste!

"Think of the corruption that US and UK conservatives carelessly unleashed upon Iraq in the name of extreme free market ideology. "

I think the Guardian is the one that is getting scammed bigtime everytime it transfers money into her account....in Japan.

Posted by: Rob at December 20, 2003 at 09:34 AM

Toynbee combines Phat Adams' mindless anti-Americanism with Dowd's transparent stupidity: It's the Coalition of the Shrilling!

Posted by: slatts at December 20, 2003 at 10:30 AM

No parody could hope to compete with that.

Posted by: Bud Norton at December 20, 2003 at 10:47 AM

Nigerians were buying, selling, trading, sharing, and scamming while monks were holed up in Ireland trying to save what was left of Western Civilization.

Some of that buying and selling would have included African slaves, wouldn't it?

These Nigerian entrepreneurs later traded with Europeans, and their products went to the Americas.

Early globalisation.

Posted by: Peggy Sue at December 20, 2003 at 10:57 AM

Give it your best shot.

Contest: Bilk the Guardian Columnist

/blogtrolling

Posted by: iowahawk at December 20, 2003 at 10:57 AM

all of you need to give toynbee more credit. sure, she uses the mindless meme that the u.s. = texas = cowboys = bush = oil = corruption = cheney/halliburton/corporate villainy = ills of the world, including hangnails. but, to her credit, she punches it up by adding = nigeria scammers who defrauded money from bleeding heart her in england as payback for u.s.-texas-bush-oil-cowboy capitalism-corruption. (now she's a victim, too, of the same hyphenated menace)

toynbee also manages to put some color back into dreary idealism. the silly used to sing "what the world needs now is love, sweet love", but she would whip the world into shape through the virtuous practice of "regulation, restraint and control"... nevermind freud, does paul krugman know about the new bdsm economics?


Posted by: charlotte at December 20, 2003 at 11:26 AM

What falling for this scam really reveals is how clueless Toynbee is of basic news. This idiotic Nigerian scam has been in the papers and on television shows for YEARS! How on Earth could you miss it? I read something about it nearly every two months. Unbelievable.

Posted by: brett at December 20, 2003 at 11:38 AM
"We reap from the third world what we sow: if some Nigerians learned lessons in capitalism from global oil companies that helped corrupt and despoil that land, it is hardly surpising they absorbed some of the Texan oil values that now rule the White House."

What about the muslims that took over Nigeria in the civil war in the sixties? They at least deserve some credit for this.

Posted by: random at December 20, 2003 at 12:29 PM

It's our Christian duty to make sure the fools are parted from their money, a.s.a.p.!

Posted by: nofixedabode at December 20, 2003 at 01:25 PM

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a dumb cow!!! For christ's sake...And this is the woman who gives lectures in politics and economics to the world to see?

Posted by: madne0 at December 20, 2003 at 01:52 PM

For that matter, corruption and scams has been the best way to survive in Africa since colonial days. And the biggest property owner of the time started with "United", but it didn't end in "States"...

Posted by: LabRat at December 20, 2003 at 02:28 PM

Back off everyone, she has a point. I mean, I never got any spam prior to GWB taking office...

Posted by: Jerry at December 20, 2003 at 02:53 PM

I remember the Green Card usenet spam--which happened in 1994, during the first Clinton term.

Posted by: Sam at December 20, 2003 at 03:25 PM

I started to wonder whether Polly blames Bush for everything that goes wrong in her life. Like, if she got a UTI & went to her gynocologist, how would she blame it on—& then it dawned on me. The left has found an object for its massively suppressed & displaced misogyny.

Posted by: ForNow at December 20, 2003 at 05:46 PM

This must be a joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surely the opposition to common sense CAN'T
be this stupid.

Can they??

Posted by: free at December 20, 2003 at 08:41 PM

Following up on JDB'S comment, Toynbee's "We reap from the third world what we sow" is an incredible bit of leftist racism. This is something I've been following and posting about lately. It's the thought, often unconscious, that poor stupid Africans (and other non-Westerners) are incapable of any initiative or action of their own and respond like unthinking animals to whatever stimulus we provide. This is convenient for the left because they can then assign blame to the West, or to the US, as Toynbee does, regardless of who's doing wrong.

Posted by: Brian O'Connell at December 21, 2003 at 12:40 AM

Tim enquires, "Relative to the rest of humankind, how stupid is The Guardian?s Polly Toynbee?"

If this and the rest of her turgid output is anything to go by, she is around the Margo Kingston level. In fact she is to all intents and purposes the UK's very own Margo. She's insufferably smug and as wrong as can be on just about every substantive issue. Stephen Pollard says he has to change the channel when she's on TV.

Posted by: David Gillies at December 21, 2003 at 01:37 AM

Mine:

Subject: Man, you are a dope.

You fall for a con that's known all over the world, and yet you still somehow manage to blame we "cowboys" from the U.S. for your dimwittery?

Incidentally, "Cowboy" is a compliment here in the States. You should come up with a cleverer insult, you news columnist, you.

Yours, and still shaking my head in disbelief at your dimbulbedness,

Posted by: ushie at December 21, 2003 at 01:58 AM

"It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money."
-W. C. Fields

Posted by: Ernie G at December 21, 2003 at 02:08 AM

"How could anyone be so stupid? Easily."


I agree. By being an ignorant moron. You work at a newspaper for crying out loud. You, of all people should have known better unless you never actually read it. Scamming in one shape or form has been around for a long long time. Blaming America for your ignorance after admitting to the same convinces me entirely. Hopefully you will soon grow up or get an education. Maybe you can write to some newspaper columnist and beg for money to get it.

Posted by: Felinda at December 21, 2003 at 04:57 AM

IMHO... what the heck, read In Defence of Polly Toynbee.
She's ignorant, racist and Daft about the "It's all the US's fault" bit. But she's also courageous, rational and compassionate. Look, read the whole thing.

Posted by: Alan E Brain at December 22, 2003 at 11:08 PM