September 17, 2003
A BATTERY OF WISDOM FROM THE IMAM
As usual, the Imam’s advice is logical and sound:
The use of sexual toys to enhance foreplay is permissible on condition that these toys do not cause any harm or contain any forbidden ingredients. Similarly, these toys should not be inserted into the female private part, except in the case of dire necessity.
We should all bear that in mind. Too often have such insertions taken place well short of the crucial “dire necessity” point. Meanwhile I await the Imam’s ruling on this.
Posted by Tim Blair at September 17, 2003 02:51 AMNow that's funny, provocative and pointed, Timbo.
More of that and less picking on easy targets like poor old Margo K.
Why shoot fish in a barrel with a Mossberg 12 Gauge when you can pop the eye out of a vulture with a Ruger 10/22?
Posted by: Elitism For The People at September 17, 2003 at 03:07 AMWhile the Imam and I may disagree on a variety of matters, I suspect that when it comes to male breastfeeding we're of like minds.
Posted by: Otter at September 17, 2003 at 04:15 AMso all those man-boobs I see on the street have a use?
Posted by: Mr. Bingley at September 17, 2003 at 04:42 AMThis all making me a little queasy. *Urp_hurl_barf!*
Posted by: Mike James at September 17, 2003 at 05:07 AMI like the line about not containing any forbidden ingredients. You heard him-- no pork-based vibrators!
Posted by: Mike G at September 17, 2003 at 05:09 AM"Dire necessity?" Can we have another ruling on this?
Posted by: Geoff Matthews at September 17, 2003 at 06:07 AMSome warning labels are obviously needed for all such goods:
Do not remove under penalty of law!
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
INSERT IMMEDIATELY
...or perhaps the Imam's ruling on having to live with
this
or this. Does the Imam have any suggestions on which bras are halaal or haraam or will D-cup just be the size of the stone?
Ah, this advice reminded me of nothing so much as this classic from the Onion.
Posted by: John Thacker at September 17, 2003 at 07:30 AMTim, this was a sick story. I'm just having my lunch here man!
Posted by: Berend de Boer at September 17, 2003 at 12:03 PMIn my time at Uni I tried the 'Insert in case of emergency' line more than once with a few young ladies, but they rarely agreed.
Posted by: Razor at September 17, 2003 at 12:51 PMYes Habib, no pork sausages, however the pork sword may be used if handled properly.
Posted by: Imam Pshyco Muhammed at September 17, 2003 at 03:25 PMPraise Allah for his gift of nickel-cadmium portable power sources. What do they use to excite camels with? Perhaps an epileptic mongoose? Is a mongoose unclean? I must consult the Imam.
Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 17, 2003 at 05:32 PMBugger- the Imam seems to be on smoko. I need to know!
Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 17, 2003 at 05:39 PMJust to clarify - the "dire necessity" referred to here is the imam's. Right, Bilal?
Posted by: Clem Snide at September 17, 2003 at 11:05 PMRazor wrote:
In my time at Uni I tried the 'Insert in case of emergency' line more than once with a few young ladies, but they rarely agreed.
But SOME agreed. It's a numbers game, ask enough chicks and you'll find someone willing.
Posted by: Jabba the Nutt at September 17, 2003 at 11:12 PMi just don't know what to say. that is so freakin' hilarious.
dire necessity. i think i might use that line sometime. "Please insert my dildo for me immediately. I feel that insertion is a dire necessity."
Posted by: red at September 18, 2003 at 03:02 AMROTFL!
Everything depends on what the meaning of "dire necessity" is.
Posted by: Katherine at September 18, 2003 at 07:36 AM"Epileptic Mongoose"???
ROFLMAOSTCACMP!!!!
*SNARF! CRY! GASP! CHOKE!*
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Posted by: Emperor Misha I at September 18, 2003 at 08:14 AM