September 12, 2003


Itís been two years. Can we please move on? Can we please move on from lame jokes like this?

For example: say you want them to help you invade a little oil-producing nation.

Let's call it, say, "Iraq". First, you should talk about freedom, democracy, the mutual threat that terrorism has on all countries - even the ones that aren't superpowers. On no account mention the oil.

Thatís from ABC satirist Charles Firth. Funny as John Pilger.

Posted by Tim Blair at September 12, 2003 04:17 AM

And just before that, we 'invaded' that notable hub of ooooiiiiiiiilll wealth called Afghanistan, where the men are men and the goats are nervous.

By the way, what's so 'little' about Iraq, besides its former army's ability to fight?

Posted by: Roger Bournival at September 12, 2003 at 05:40 AM

So it's *that* easy to become a Superpower. Just not so easy to *stay* one. Just ask Russia, Germany, and France. Apparently, the *staying* there part is beyond Colonel Firth's admittedly limited analytical skills. Perhaps he should stick to what he knows best, like coloneling.

Posted by: Tongue Boy at September 12, 2003 at 06:04 AM

Yes, and aren't we supposed to be building a massive oil and/or natural gas pipleline through Afghanistan, since that was (according to the oil and/or gasbags) the only reason we went into that country in the first place (because what other reason could there have been?). Likewise, I guess we can expect gas prices in the U.S. to be cheap as hell now (eyewitness testimony: they ain't).

Posted by: Jeremy Brown at September 12, 2003 at 07:59 AM

Go back and watch the Simon Target documentary "Uni," from ABCTV a few years back. Watch as Firth campaigns strongly to be elected into the SRC or union, watch his self-absorbed attitude and putting-down of people who think differently to him, and watch as everyone decides he's a wanker and no-one votes for him...

Posted by: Red Engineer at September 12, 2003 at 08:54 AM

You don't have to be a superpower to be the target of the Islamofascists, just ride a bus in Jerusalem, go to a mosque in An Najaf, be a UN bureaucrat in Baghdad or go to a BAR IN BALI.

I haven't forgotten 9/11, nor Bali, nor An Najaf, nor Baghdad. How can this wanker show his face in public? Where's that beer fund again?

Posted by: Jabba the Nutt at September 12, 2003 at 09:16 AM

Say you want them to help you overthrow a peace-living regime and take over the country.

Let's call them, say, the Nazi regime and Germany.First you should talk about the international threat they pose and show the Battle of Britain and convince the U.S. the war is about freedom and bringing an end to an evil regime.On no account mention volkswagons,black bread, beer and clogs.

Posted by: d at September 12, 2003 at 09:18 AM

Charles Firth. Stewart Firth. Do you Aussies haveg a breeding colony of self-loathing leftists down there?

Posted by: Harry Eagar at September 12, 2003 at 09:29 AM

Do you have a couple more Firths? I get very few chances to use my Firth of Fourth joke.

Posted by: Ken Summers at September 12, 2003 at 10:33 AM

I had a passing acquaintance with Charles Firth in uni when he was in the Labor Club (left) and I was in the ALP Club (right). He could do a lot better than that.

Posted by: Jason Soon at September 12, 2003 at 10:40 AM

Study reveals average Australian "too stupid" for democracy.

Posted by: PK at September 12, 2003 at 10:59 AM

From Harry Eagar:
'Do you Aussies have a breeding colony of self-loathing leftists down there?'

Can't imagine the breeding would be much fun.

Posted by: pooh at September 12, 2003 at 11:26 AM

How to Become a "Satirist" in Three Easy Steps!

Many people are wondering, if (an idiot like) Mr. Firth can actually make money as a "satirist," why can't I? Let's follow the example:

1) Convince everyone you're witty, even though you actually just peddle the same tired arguments that appeal to no one but the fringe (most Leftys have even given up the ridiculous OOOOIIILLL argument).

2) Land a job at a place that actually takes this stuff seriously, and where the writing ability actually appears consistent with yours (such as the SMH) -- note, this doesn't mean it's actually any good, just consistent.

3) Do not, under any circumstances, mention your glue-sniffing habit, left temporal lobe injury, or whatever other issue it is that actually causes this drivel to spout from your snoot.

There it is -- follow these three steps, and you too can get paid for nonsense!!!

Posted by: Jerry at September 12, 2003 at 11:28 AM

(shrug) Firth and the whole CNNNN team are quite funny and apolitical most of the time. It's just occasionally that they let their political agenda shine through and descend into lameness.Kinda like The Onion.

Also like the Onion, they used to be funnier.

Posted by: Jorge at September 12, 2003 at 11:44 AM

Watch it, Jerry -- you may have just outed Tim Blair's modus operandi :-)

Posted by: Geoff at September 12, 2003 at 11:45 AM

Oh yeah, but he sure as hell _was_ a first-class dickhead on that Uni documentary. Actually he wasn't running himself, he was helping his friend Sholto campaign. And yet when he lost, it was Firth who started crying about it.

Posted by: Jorge at September 12, 2003 at 11:54 AM

Jorge said:

'Firth and the whole CNNNN team are quite funny and apolitical most of the time.'

This is outrageous. Tax-payer funded comedy on the ABC must always be 100% political and as funny as a car accident.

Bring back Rod Quantock.

Posted by: ilibcc at September 12, 2003 at 12:04 PM

Oh, no, not Rod Quantock. Not the hilarious chook on a stick routine. Laugh? I tell ya....

Posted by: slatts at September 12, 2003 at 01:15 PM

Who says Pilger isn't funny? Try reading "Heroes" and keep a straight face. His last item on SBS made me laugh so much I nearly followed through.

Posted by: Habib Bickford at September 12, 2003 at 02:44 PM

Leftists can be funny. "The Firth Factor", on the original Chaser Election Special and the original CNNNN was good.
But by far the funniest leftist was - is - continues to be Slammin' Sam the Man Kekovich. At least, I assume that he is on the left - he doesn't really mean those things he says, does he? Say - perhaps the right could adopt him as one of their own?

Posted by: TimT at September 13, 2003 at 11:49 AM