July 17, 2003

ASK THE IMAM, PART IV

Donít ask the Imam how to avoid prostate cancer.

Posted by Tim Blair at July 17, 2003 06:01 AM
Comments

"The one who discharges his seminal fluid with his hand is damned. This evil practice removes the normal bright look of a man's face, and he looks melancholy and dejected."

well, that explains michael moore...

"Beyond the wife and slave woman all ways and means of sexual satisfaction are unlawful."

what else does a guy need?

Posted by: Mr. Bingley at July 17, 2003 at 06:31 AM

Dear Imam, I like to stick sand, rocks and gravel up my posterior portions, is this too banned?

Posted by: Rusty at July 17, 2003 at 06:35 AM

The Imam does not acknowledge the ranks of masturbating Muslim females in his midst. Is that not seen as a problem in Islam, since no "seed" is spilled in the act? At least not reproductive seed. Or is he ... hmmm ... unaware that women get off too? I am considering writing into his column and asking for advice, just to see what he will say.

The Michael Moore comment above is hysterical. Love it.

Posted by: sheila at July 17, 2003 at 06:46 AM

Dear Rusty:

As long as your posterior portions are properly shaved, I don't see a problem.

Yours in Mohammed,

Imam Onnamommona

Posted by: Bruce at July 17, 2003 at 06:51 AM

"This accursed practice affects equally the heart, the brain, the liver, the
stomach, the kidneys along with the reproductive organs."

And your clinical evidence for this would be...? I sure haven't heard of this, Imam, and I'm an MD.

"This practice makes
the muscles and the nerves of the reproductive organ sagging and lifeless.
Accumulation of fluids in the veins makes it unfit for its normal function."

That's how it WORKS! That's what's supposed to happen, you idiot!

"The heat of the
friction between the delicate muscles of the organ and the tough hide of the
hand damages the former beyond repair."

I don't know too many people who have tough hide on their palms these days, now that we don't pick oakum in workhouses anymore.

Posted by: Alice at July 17, 2003 at 06:57 AM

In another context, this would be interesting:

"This sense of guilty [sic] and humiliation deepens as the years go on, into a suppressed rage, because of the impossibility to escape.... And this is, perhaps, the deepest and most dangerous cancer of our civilization."

What's that - resorting to terrorism? Ignorance? Poverty? Slavery?

Nope. Wanking.

Definitely not slavery: "Beyond the wife and slave woman all ways and means of sexual satisfaction are unlawful."

Now when you say the wife AND the slave woman, does that include together?

Posted by: Bob71 at July 17, 2003 at 07:44 AM

By the way, Imam fans, don't miss this bit of highly practical advice:

http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=7944

Posted by: Bruce at July 17, 2003 at 08:24 AM

"No part of society caters for them"

Certainly nothing on the internet! Nudge, nudge, say no more.

"Sex life for most of them is fairly empty."

Unlike their hands. But aren't idle hands the devil's workshop?

"The following extracts from the writings of a dignified physician of the Unani medicine ..."

Shouldn't that be Onani?

Beyond the wife and slave woman all ways and means of sexual satisfaction are unlawful.

Anything I write here is bound to get me in serious trouble.

Therefore, the jurists of this school are of the opinion that if masturbation was permitted, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) would have acknowledged its permissibility because this is much simpler than fasting. Since the Prophet Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) did not mention it,
demonstrates that it is prohibited.

Perfect. What isn't permitted is verbotten. But, isn't the killing of innocents forbidden?


Posted by: charles austin at July 17, 2003 at 09:57 AM

Between the Imam and Professor Giles, it seems a chap is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.Hobson's law number .... let me see; article 2million, subsection, 5,677,001,A/b2pr56789, paragraph - oh, bugger, forget it , there are too many subsections to list.

Posted by: d at July 17, 2003 at 10:02 AM

For those who can get a copy of TISM's "Been Caught Wanking", it's a great song with an important message ;-). I think it's on Macheavelli and the Four Seasons.

Posted by: Jake D at July 17, 2003 at 10:13 AM

whoops, make that cd "www.tism.wanker.com". For those outside Australia you can buy them through eBay. These guys are one of the best live acts around and the CDs are well done, funny rock/electronic/funk/rock sort of thing, with extra rock.

Posted by: Jake D at July 17, 2003 at 10:19 AM

Devout followers of the prophet can avoid prostatic cancer by following the word of the Ayotollah Khomeini and shag goats, camels and other ruminants; otherwise they can avoid all worry about late onset cancers by stepping in front of some incoming ordnance. How does Islam reconcile it being ok to interfere with critters, when one of the terms used to describe such activity is "to pork"?

Posted by: Paul Bickford at July 17, 2003 at 11:32 AM

So, all that tugging's been keeping me healthy, as well as getting my rocks off. That's great to know.
Well, damn the Imam, it's time for another...aah,aah,oh,oh,oh,oh!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaaaaah!!

That was soooo good.

Posted by: Fred at July 17, 2003 at 11:32 AM

What is the correct punishment for a wet dream under Sharia law?
A lobotomy,perhaps?

Posted by: Paul Bickford at July 17, 2003 at 11:33 AM

OK, as a moist pinko greeny social democrat type, I've tried being 'tolerant' - that's practical.

I've tried being 'accepting' - that's mature.

But after pissing away a lot of company time going through the Imam's website yesterday (for the most part, weeping with stupefied laughter), I have come to the only possible conclusion one can - these mediavel lunatics are totally fucking insane.

Sorry - I really, really tried.

And go have a look at any reference to Shi'ite Islam on the site, particularly the Ayatollah Khomeini - very revealing. Just one big happy faith, eh?

By the way - Dr Alice? "Picking Oakum"? That's hilarious. You're a Goddess, lady. :-D

Posted by: Brendan at July 17, 2003 at 11:41 AM

"The heat of the
friction between the delicate muscles of the organ and the tough hide of the
hand damages the former beyond repair."
Awrightee, it's mine and I'll damage it as much as I like, as much as I like, as much as....

Posted by: slatts at July 17, 2003 at 12:50 PM

people are no longer surfing the net....
They are at the forefront of cancer prevention and prostate relief

Posted by: Dr Jack at July 17, 2003 at 07:04 PM

One must be careful to strike a balance between cancer prevention and the possibility of going blind, or, in mild cases, needing glasses.

Posted by: Ernie G at July 17, 2003 at 11:18 PM

Okay, so I am NUTS, but I just spent a bit of time searching the Imam's site for references to female masturbation. What has happened to my life?? Anyway, question #9047 addresses this issue. The Imam forbids masturbation for any gender. Big surprise.

I'm with Brendan's comment above. The Imam's Q&As reveal a society full of absolute friggin' WACKOS. I guess I'd be a wacko too if I didn't masturbate (or, as my cousin calls it, "dialing zero") every once in a while.

Posted by: sheila at July 18, 2003 at 01:55 AM

Sanity, it is the holy grail , seek it and be made miserable.

Posted by: d at July 18, 2003 at 12:44 PM