Tim Blair

ah, so it's the distance you travel that matters, not how long it takes you to get there...

But fortunately she has more than enough leeway to travel from the Palestinian side to the Israeli side and blow herself up.

that's well under 48 miles, mike

well, that takes you to the boundaries of the city of Melbourne.After that, you're stuck.

As the resident Mufti of the Muff at XXX Mosque, I often receive emails from young women hoping to resolve sexual dilemmas and remain faithful to the teachings of the Prophet. On the advice of several scholars who regularly trawl your site, I am putting one such question to you you in the hope that your esteemed and devout readers can provide an answer to one particularly thorny issue presented to me in the last few weeks. My correspondent wrote:

Dear Muffi [sic]:

I've followed your advice and trimmed my beaver to confirm to ISO Short-grain Rice Standard 90069 - Islamic Version. But I'm wondering now if I did the right thing. The chick that runs Beaver Trimming for the Faithful behind the Mosque said that I should go all the way and shape my pubes. It sounded kewl and she had lots of Islamic motifs to choose from. I ended up going for the Osama Bin Laden profile in silhouette. It looks great. But now my husband refuses to go down on me because he thinks it would be a mark of disrespect for Osama and Islam in general. I say that going down on me would put him closer to Osama. He says the opposite. What is your ruling on this?

BTW - that chick at Beaver Trimming for the Faithful sounded a bit like you, Mufti. Are you related?

Bye for now,

Beauty with Bin Laden Bush.

You and your readers will surely appreciate my dilemma. Advice welcomed.

Mufti of the Muff

ps. Ignore any remarks about the similarity of voices. The poor women is clearly deluded on this issue.

The "Dear Imam" site is an absolute goldmine!!

Legitimate work has been suspended for hours while I study the wise and worldly advice of the Imam on all manner of life's dilemmas.

Mufti of the Muff, your correspondent has put a question which, noting the time delay of posting authoritative fatwah ( none so far), the content of the letter has injected a pornographic stimulant which, according to the Mufti leads to masturbation,then homosexuality, then adultery, then collapse into a state which denizens of Soddom and Gommorrah perfected, around the clock orgies.

A complication is the mention of Osama, or was it thrown in as a metaphorical chastity belt, needs to be asked of Muffi's correspondent.

It all seems quite technically difficult on the legals of Shari.Including , the content all pertains to a married couple.Perhaps, however, if an image of the Koran could be included, her dilemma might thus be satisfactorily resolved.

a cautionary , however,is according to one fatwah, women must shave arm -pits and below the navel. This doesn't suggest much is left for the decorative art.

Why would any woman be more than 48 miles from her kitchen?

Assalamu Alaikum Iman and respected mufti d:

You've taken the hadith right out of my mouth. My good wife takes her Hijaab off to you. You are one cool Iman and mufti to boot.

They say Allah Ta'ala Knows Best, but Iman d is my man.

Allah will reward you for your efforts (nudge, nudge, wink, wink..,)

Mufti of the Muff

Dear ZsaZsa:

A muslim woman should only travel more than 48 miles from her kitchen to facilitate my - err... - Muslim polygamous rights.

Allah Ta'ala [and Iman d] Knows Best

Mufti of the Muff

Geez, you've got to wonder how many posts to "Ask Imam" are real and how many are put-ons. Coming up with the wildest "Ask Imam" question would be an amusing diversion.

By 48 hours her pubes will surely be longer than Basmati.

Iman The of the Fatwa Department has raised an interesting dilemma regarding pubic trimming and rice grains. It is a well known fact that different varieties of rice exhibit varied specifications. For example, Japanese Short Rice is around 5.3mm in length, while Basmati rice, the variety mentioned by the esteemebed Iman The, comes in at around 7.0mm. The longest rice is the Kaffir Long Australian Rice at 7.5mm. According to the Prophet of the Pudenda, pubic hair of this length is not acceptable. Thus, we suggest that young girls use Arborio rice, which is on average is 6.3mm in length.

Allah Ta'ala [and Iman The] Knows Best

Mufti of the Muff

ps. I hold lessons in measuring and trimming for select good looking girls under 17 every Friday afternoon behind the mosque

Mufti of the Muff , you are most kind and generous. My Allah reward you with many muffs on this earth aslo.

Assalamu Alaikum Iman and respected mufti d:

It is no problem. Generosity is my middle name. In Arabic of course. Please note that I am a dude of the first order, and hung like an ox to boot. Young women flock to my mosque like homicide bombers to plastic explosives.

Just call me if you need help on any religious question of a sexual nature.

Allah Ta'ala [and Iman d] Knows Best

Mufti of the Muff

ps. I notice a distinct absence of young women of marriageable age in here. Do any of you good Muslim men have daughters?

Heh, my favorite Imam question/answer is this one on breast creams.

::makes noise Arab women make with their tongues::

Mufti of the Muff: would you agree with the young lady's supposition that her breasts are "a very touchy issue"?

Mufti of the Muuff, now I have to make gulhs; and other reparatory and purifcatory rituals - it is difficult being a mufti when a loyal son of Islam like your esteemed self has the fortune to be such an attractant to so many beautiful daughters.
What is your secret - I need to examine it before I can decide how decptive it is for young men who walk in the way. Or is it unique and...well, sigh, such good fortune is rare.

Newly created Iman and Mufti bearing L plates.

Assalamu Alaikum Iman and respected mufti The:

As the Prophet noted in his recently discovered Not the Koran:

Gratuitous boobie shots. We need more gratuitous boobie shots. Mmmmmmmm, nice.

Imans (you know, after all these years I don't know the plural of iman - is it two imans or two imi?) have debated this topic for many years. I don't keep abreast - a little mufti humour there - of these issues, but I can tell you this: young girls between 15 and 17 years of age have the most touchy breasts. Older devotees don't come within a grenade lob of the mosque on this.

Allah Ta'ala [and Iman d] Knows Best

Mufti of the Muff

Assalamu Alaikum Iman and respected mufti d:

We do not know what the gulhs are, but are satisfied that if an L-plate mufti is doing them they can't be all bad. As the Prophet once said: "Stick with the rituals, kid." On a personal note, I have good reason to believe unscrupulous scholars inserted the word 'with' into that sentence. But that's another story.

You asked about the secret. It's all under the jubah, and that's all I can say. But look, we need only turn to the words of the Prophet for enlightenment:

'Allaahumma inniy a'oodhu bika minal khubuth wal khabaa-ith

I know you understand this, but for the sake of others I will offer my humble translation: Man hung like ox better than one hung like fox.

No matter what the Kaffirs say, the Prophet had his shit together.

Allah Ta'ala [and Iman The] Knows Best

ps. Ox is damned big, and I can say that with authority. I remember one night behind the mosque, and that bloody big horny ox ... What the hey did he think he was doing?

Mufti of the Muff, your scholarship is exquisite, I sit at your feet and learn.

Only Allah knows but a pair of scissors shall correct the writings of the masters to their true expurgated orginal tracts.By judicious excision by the learned, new hadith shall pour forth like wine or something else involving something else but fulsome women is a divine sign of blessed things, and pics.
Thou, Muffi, thou surely art the Mufti of Muftis , the prophet has come foretold so long ago, in the days when no pics were available , only camels.

Allah Ta'ala only knows.